If You Can't Be Kind, Be Quiet

Author Deb DeArmond focuses on strengthening relationship. In this Communication UPGRADE, she suggests we check our words before they cause damage.

"Did you know each year there is a National Say Something Nice Day? It was new to me," Deb says, "and made me think of my mama. It would have made her happy."

My (Dawn's) mom knew I was a "word person." Perhaps that's why she often encouraged me to be careful how I used words. It sounds like Deb's mom was a lot like mine!

 Deb continues . . .

Mama often shared her belief that “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all.” It wasn’t just a slogan; she lived it every day.

I never heard her say a mean or critical word about a single person, with the exception of her second cousin Hattie, who deserved it according to Mama.

“That girl had a mean streak.”

She once bit my mother hard enough to draw blood, so I think it’s a valid observation. But with this one exception, Mom was a gentle and generous soul.

She looked for the goodness in every person and as a result, she almost always found it.

Easier said than done.

If you have family, you already know this can be tough duty. Especially in the face of what we often call at my house, “an intense moment of fellowship.”

If you overheard the discussion, you might think we’re engaged in an argument. Some may claim it’s a matter of semantics since the two are quite similar. We prefer to position it in a more friendly way.

Definition aside, when it gets heated, something nice is not always the first phrase that occurs to us or rolls off the tongue.

And the tongue is often the problem with conflict, isn’t it?

The scripture gives us that heads up:

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way (James 3:2 NLT).

Every other way?

You mean, if I could manage my mouth, I’d also be able to resist the call of Cappuccino ice cream? Now there’s some motivation!

Over the years, I’ve become aware of the need to be more intentional, more grace-filled, when conflict arises.

God's Spirit has been persistent to point out missed opportunities, little slips, and major mishaps of the mouth.

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4 NLT).

I’m working on it.

Just remember, we do have an enemy—but our friends or loved ones are not our adversary.

God expects us to speak the truth in love when we’d prefer to give someone a piece of our mind.

Making our point cannot be more important than making our Heavenly Father happy.

Today, identify an opportunity to say something nice. Find something genuine, not manufactured, and smile when you say it.

If you want to make a super-powerful positive impression—write it down. Slip a note in his pocket, the kids’ lunchbox, or tuck a card in her purse.

A discovery of a compliment or acknowledgement is a prize, and when it’s unexpected, it’s so much sweeter. It just might make your someone’s day.

And it will make your mama so proud!

Take a quick inventory

Be honest with yourself.

• How often do you walk away regretful of a harsh or unkind word you’ve spoken? What pulls you into that behavior?
• How are relationships impacted when the communication—and your best intentions—get away from you?
• Identify one strategy to remind you to be quiet if you're struggling to be kind—perhaps a simple prayer or scripture before a conversation that might be difficult.

We can't fix what we don't acknowledge. Enhance your self-awareness and use your answers to set a new course!

Proverbs 15:4 reminds us,

Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (NLT).

If you can't be kind, be quiet.

What is the strategy you identified to remind you to be quiet if you struggle to be kind? Ask God for wisdom, and don't give up. Your relationships are worth the effort.

Deb DeArmond is the author of Related by Chance, Family by Choice, I Choose You Today, and Don’t Go to Bed Angry. Stay Up and Fight! All three books focus on relationship dynamics, communication, and conflict resolution. For more information about Deb and her ministry, visit her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Candid-Shots at Pixabay.

Left Unsaid: Two Perspectives

In this Relationship UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson reminds us there are words best left unsaid, but others that need to be said.

"Words, along with all the manifestations of Christlike love, are a key to good relationships," Dawn says, "but do we truly care how we use our words?"

Ecclesiastes 3:7 tells us there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak,” and the wise Christian will learn when and what words are appropriate.

I. Some Words Need to Be Left Unsaid.

There’s a time to be silent.

I cannot count all the times I’ve “bit my tongue” during my marriage. Once I actually bit it as I started to say something sarcastic, then shut my mouth quickly and my tongue ended up between my teeth. My sarcasm bit me back!

Words can bless and encourage, but wisdom guards the tongue, knowing how hurtful and destructive words can be.

Words best left unsaid come from heart issues.

For example:

• Haughty words come from a proud heart.
• Ungrateful words come from a selfish heart.
• Condemning words come from a jealous heart or an unforgiving heart.

James warns we need to bridle our tongues (James 1:26) or tame them if we want to live as a true Christ-follower. We must discipline the tongue, because it is unruly and rebellious.

My friend Kimberly Wagner shared 10 excellent ways to guard and tame the tongue. My favorite is to learn the H-A-L-T Principle. Learn to restrain your words—shut your mouth—and delay conversations when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. (Smart lady!)

Basically, in the flesh, we tend to spout off with "corrupting talk," but the Holy Spirit can give us the wisdom and grace to speak life-giving words (Ephesians 4:29).

II. Some Words Must Never Be Left Unsaid.

Yes, there's a time to be silent. But then, there’s a time to speak up!

Many Christians who have learned when to be silent have forgotten what it means to not be silent when speaking up is important, helpful, or sometimes even crucial.

1. We need to speak up about our greatest love—Jesus!

We need to fearlessly speak up about Jesus, because we have the promise that the Holy Spirit will help us (Mark 13:11) and His Word will not return to Him empty (Isaiah 55:11).

David Robertson, a minister in Dundee, Scotland, wrote that he was once a “secret Christian” because he wasn’t sure he could bear the social stigma of living in post-Christian Scotland. He says a group of Christians at his school asked if he would speak on their behalf in a debate and he reluctantly agreed.

After the debate, the head of the English department congratulated his "performance," but added, “You almost had me persuaded that you really were a Christian.” Robertson replied, “Sir, I am. And that is the last time anyone will say that to me.”

Robertson learned to speak up—what he calls “ordinary, courageous speaking”—out of love for the Lord.

“We speak up because we love Jesus and we want to see Him glorified,” he said. “We speak up, not to defend ourselves, but because we love those we are speaking to and want them to share in the greatest gift of all: Christ.”

2. We need to speak up when evil seems to prevail.

In a culture gone wild, with social norms crumbling and evil prevailing, Christians can’t sit back and “observe.” We have to speak up.

Rather than running away and hiding, we need to turn and face the enemy and speak the truth.

How the enemy responds is not our responsibility. Peter and John responded to the rulers who told them not to speak in the name of Jesus anymore (Acts 4:13-20) because they knew their culture’s only hope was the Savior.

“… we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard,” they said.

We don’t have to “win” arguments. We only have to stand up and speak up, and tell people God’s perspective as found in the Word.

It’s not about our opinions; it’s His truth.

When we speak the truth—always with the motive of love (Ephesians 4:14-15)—the Holy Spirit can use our words to make an impression for righteousness in the world and help our spiritual brothers and sisters mature into Christ.

3. We need to speak up when our brothers or sisters struggle or hurt.

Christians are meant to speak encouraging words to one another to build each other up (1 Thessalonians 5:11), especially in times of struggle or pain.

We may think about sharing words of comfort, encouragement, challenge or hope ... but unless we act and actually speak up, how will our friends and family be helped?

Words of encouragement are sometimes like soothing oil, helping others to bear up under their burdens (Galatians 6:2). Other times they are like motivating cheerleaders, lifting people up (Proverbs 12:25) and stirring them up to love and good works (Hebrews 10:23-25).

What should be left unsaid, and what should not be left unsaid?

It might be wise to examine our hearts regularly, because we must never forget: the tongue has power to hurt and also power to heal.

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue...." (Proverbs 18:21).

What about you? Do you need to seek forgiveness for hurtful, destructive words? Are there words someone in your circle of influence desperately needs to hear?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for Revive Our Hearts  and a writer at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in Southern California and have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Prawny at Morguefile.

Communicate Well with that 'Irregular' Person

Kathy Collard Miller speaks well to relationships, and especially how we get along. In this Communication UPGRADE, she offers biblical insight into communication skills we all need.

“Someone has said, ‘An irregular person is anyone we don’t get along with,’” Kathy says. “But we should remember someone may be calling us their irregular person! And maybe it’s because our communication skills could improve.”

That is so true! I (Dawn) discovered that when the Lord opened my eyes about someone I thought was too direct and a bit critical in our conversations. As it turned out, I was hyper-sensitive and reactive—something I needed to change.

Kathy continues . . .

It’s easy to think negatively about someone when there is a lack of harmony between us.

“After all, if she weren’t such an irregular kind of person, she wouldn’t misunderstand me. All my other friends understand me. It must be her."

I’ve been studying the biblical book of Proverbs and communication is an important topic in that practical book. Let’s see what insights God offers us for better communication. Maybe we are more irregular than we think.

There are always skills we can learn.

1. Talk less than you think you should even if you feel defensive.

Proverbs 10:19 urges us, “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (ESV).

How true, how true. We all are able to hold our tongue and, at that point, things are going well.

But then we reach our limit and we try to defend ourselves with many words.

Most of the time, many words get us in big trouble.

The more we say, the less we are heard and understood. One temptation is adding points that aren’t relevant to the current topic.

“Oh, and by the way, I’ve been meaning to tell you also about how a month ago you….”

Our many words have now become more complicated and the real issue is harder to deal with.

Less is more in relationships, and especially with someone we aren’t connecting with well. Let’s ask God to help us speak less than more.

2. Keep your voice soft.

Of course such advice as “keep your voice soft” seems impossible, but it really is possible to learn. You’ll be motivated even more when you begin to see the advantages it brings.

Proverbs 15:1 tells us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

At the time of dealing with someone who seems against us, we feel powerless. They won’t listen nor heed what we’re saying. Everything within us wants to be heard and by golly, we’ll raise our voice to make it happen.

DON'T.

It’ll be the hardest thing ever, but don’t. Instead, use the “broken record technique.” Just say the main point over again in a normal voice.

For instance, “I hear you think I said … but I really said ….” When the person raises her voice and is defensive, again repeat softly, “I hear you think I said … but I really said…” Repeat again as needed—softly!

This is extremely hard but it is possible in God’s power. As a result, you’ll see anger is less likely to be stirred up and there’s a better possibility of a positive conversation.

3. In the end, God must be the one we depend upon to protect us.

After all we’ve done, our efforts may not gain us what we want. Our “irregular” person may respond more aggressively, and we wonder what they are thinking of us. Is it even worse than before?

Our only peace must come from the truth of Proverbs 30:5: “Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.”

Our words haven’t gained us what we wanted, but God’s Word never goes wrong. The Lord knows the truth about us and our intentions, and He will protect us according to His loving will for us.

We can trust Him.

What can I do to help communicate with the person who seems irregular to me? When my efforts don’t turn out the way I’d prefer, how can I find God as my refuge?

Kathy Collard Miller is the author of over 50 books, her most recent is No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom (Elk Lake Publishing, Inc.). She loves to speak at evenats and has spoken in more than 30 US states and eight foreign countries. Learn more about Kathy at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pasja1000 at Pixabay.

When It's Best to Hold Your Tongue

I “met” Lina AbuJamra when I read one of her books, Thrive, a book primarily for singles. I was impressed with her grasp and practical application of biblical truth. I recently saw a post she wrote for a True Woman ministry and wanted to share it, with her permission, with UPGRADE readers so we can Upgrade the use of our tongue.

“I talk too much,” Lina wrote. “Way, way too much.”

Lina had me there … I just finished a discussion with my husband Bob about how I tend to talk too much in the car. Maybe it’s because poor Bob is a captive audience.

Lina continued …

But God is committed to teaching me when to hold my tongue. With that in mind, let me share ten situations where I'm learning it's better to refrain from talking:

1. When you have no idea what to say

Proverbs 17:28: "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent."

2. When you're wrongly accused

1 Peter 2:23: "When he was reviled, he did not revile in return."

Isaiah 53:7: "He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth."

3. When you're mad

Proverbs 25:28: "Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control."

4. When you're confused about life

Lamentations 3:25–28: "The Lord is good for those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord . . . Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth to the dust—there may yet be hope."

5. When you wouldn't want someone else to find out you said it

Luke 12:3: "Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops."

6. When you don't really mean it

Proverbs 3:28: "Do not say to your neighbor 'Go, and come again, tomorrow I will give it,' when you have it with you."

7. When you can't stop yearning for the good old days

Ecclesiastes 7:10: "Say not, why were the former days better than these? For it is not from wisdom that you ask this."

8. When you have a lot to do and you don't like it

Philippians 2:14: "Do all things without grumbling or complaining."

9. When the timing is wrong

Proverbs 25:11: "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in setting of silver."

10. When you don't have anything to say that gives grace

Ephesians 4:29: "Let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear it."

Got any other tips on when to refrain from talking? Share them with our UPGRADE readers.

Lina AbuJamra is a Pediatric ER doctor, author, and speaker. Her passion is to apply her life-saving, decision-making, and hope-giving skills from the Emergency Room to rescue and recover people from spiritually deadly situations. Lina shares stories of faith at her popular blog. She has written two books:  Thrive: The Single Life as God Intended,  and Stripped: When God’s Call Turns from Yes to Why Me? Lina lives alone in Chicago, although she does have many friends. You can connect with her daily at livingwithpower.org.