Holiday Hope for Aging Parents

Including aging parents in our holiday plans can take some extra thought, but as Cynthia Ruchti shows us in this Holiday UPGRADE, it's so worth the time and effort!

"Aging parents—and caring for them—can upgrade the holidays for us," Cynthia says. "And it’s about time."

I (Dawn) like that. I like any time we can upgrade the holidays. We do it with decorations and events, but what about the people in our lives? How do we give a meaningful dose of holiday hope to our aging parents?

Cynthia continues . . .

In many families, Grandma and Grandpa once provided the setting for all the holiday memory-making.

Theirs was the groaning dining room table with a feast and decorations that revealed days’ worth of cooking, baking, preparation.

Theirs was the backyard hill for sledding and snow forts.

The presents under the Christmas tree might have crowded against each other with the grandparents’ generosity and homemade gifts.

But now, a hospital bed might occupy the spot a glittering tree once claimed.

The living room of the grandparents’ home is “decorated” with the trappings of ill health and aging—walkers, commodes, lift chairs. The sounds of Christmas music in the background competes with the sound of the oxygen machine.

Or Grandma and Grandpa are in reasonably good health, but living in a small apartment or an assisted living home.

We can change the setting for holiday gatherings. Christmas at Aunt Cheryl’s this year. Or Thanksgiving dinner at the home of Grandma and Grandpa’s eldest child.

But how do we keep our grip on cherished traditions, include rather than exclude the aging, and find new ways to “Honor thy father and mother” (Exodus 20:12 KJV) when the holidays include tasks of caregiving for aging parents?

And how will doing so upgrade our holiday experiences?

I love how God included the elderly in the original Christmas story.

Luke 1 starts not with the angel Gabriel’s visit to Mary, but with Zechariah, an aged priest, who by God’s grace had a son despite his wife’s lifelong barrenness. That son—John—prepared the way for the coming Messiah.

Bookending the story of the birth of Christ are other characters of many years—Simeon, who blessed the eight-day-old infant Jesus in the temple, and Anna, a prophet described as “very old.” She’d been married only seven years, and at the time of Jesus’s birth was an 84-year-old-widow.

Anna was among the first to Tweet the news about the birth of the Messiah.

(She “tweeted” with whole sentences, though, telling everyone she knew, everyone who had been looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem that He had been born, according to Luke 2:38.)

Zechariah, Simeon, Anna—their ages added to the encompassing picture of the Christmas story.

And so can the elderly in our families, even if their needs require special accommodations during the holidays.

• Encourage Grandpa or Grandma to pray over the holiday meal, if that’s long been a tradition in your home and they are still able to communicate.
• If you host the holiday gathering at some place other than their residence, consider bringing something familiar to anchor them in the new scene—a favorite afghan, their heirloom nativity set, Grandma’s good china or silverware.
• Use double-sided name tents at each place setting to boost Grandma’s or Grandpa’s memory about the names of their loved ones.
• Unless it’s physically impossible, include them in safe but meaningful ways in the food preparation. Some aging parents/grandparents grow restless and uncomfortable around the holidays because it’s a reminder of traditions in which they can no longer participate. Even if someone else needs to yield the knife, can Grandma arrange the vegetables on the crudité platter? If Grandpa once carved the turkey but can no longer manage the task, can he be given the honor of making the first slice?
• Reserve time for aging parents to tell their stories.
• Show consideration for their tolerance for noise and commotion. Plan quiet activities in addition to what was once delightful chaos for them.
• Consider, too, their nutritional restrictions. Rather than making them bypass their favorite foods, find ways to accommodate an extra bowl of salt-free gravy or seedless blackberry jam for their dinner roll.
• If aging parents or grandparents are confined by health needs to a nursing home facility, give the gift of your extended presence sometime during the holidays. Unhurried. Reminding them, and the staff, that they are treasured, dearly loved. If they live far away from the family festivities, bring video messages from their children and grandchildren, so they know they were thought of, remembered, cherished.
• Even if you send Thanksgiving or Christmas greetings only by email and Facebook, take the time to send cards to the aging.

God did not tell us to honor our father and mother when it’s convenient.

Or when their needs don’t interfere with our plans.

Or only when they … and we … are young.

What does your family do to honor elderly members during the holidays? In what ways have you discovered that “it’s about time”?

Cynthia Ruchti tells stories hemmed-in-Hope through award-winning novels, nonfiction, devotionals, and through speaking events for women. Her recent book—As My Parents Age: Reflections on Life, Love, and Change—addresses many challenging and tender aspects of caring for aging parents or grandparents. http://www.cynthiaruchti.com, http://www.hemmedinhope.com

Face-to-Face Friends Go Beyond Facebook

Leave it to counselor-coach Gail Goolsby to remind us to pursue real friends. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she encourages us to go beyond Facebook.

“As of January 2016, Facebook leads social network activity with approximately 1.6 billion regular monthly users,” Gail said. “The average Facebook user has about 340 friends, but are they real or fake friends?”

I (Dawn) think Gail is hitting on a great truth. How we define friends has truly changed in recent years. And with that redefinition comes some difficulties.

Gail continues…

In 2010, TV talk host Jimmy Kimmel proclaimed November 17^th as National UnFriend Day.

For UTube, he created humorous videos to help his viewers determine who to dismiss from their overloaded friend list on Facebook.

He playfully demonstrated that:

• If people posted countless selfies/baby/pet/vacation photos,
• or if they complained about their health repeatedly,
• or sent online game invites too many times—

CLICK. They were unfriended.

Kimmel proposed social media users should reflect on what true friendship means, and how to be a better online friend with less people.

A Good Friend is Hard to Find

How do we develop real, meaningful relationships in short phrases, food and family pictures, and emoticons from a cell phone or a computer screen?

What do online friends actually contribute to our lives?

A dozen synonyms from the thesaurus for friendship include: affection, closeness, intimacy, love, understanding, alliance, attachment, company, empathy, familiarity, fondness, and regard.

Can we form a genuine attachment to people that we do not share physical presence with on a regular basis?

Can we read others’ theological debates, political rants, favorite Bible verses, daily updates and hope to become emotionally or spiritually connected?

Let’s review friendship examples and exhortations that come from Scripture and compare them to online friendship potential.

1. Job 2:11 (ESV)

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.

The three friends went to sit with Job in his troubles.

Are twenty postings of encouragement on a Facebook wall as powerful as a person in physical proximity to communicate support? I don’t think so.

2. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (ESV)

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Loneliness can be challenging as well as sad. Friends together can accomplish much and share the burden of moving, repairing, cleaning, planting, harvesting, and building.

Typed words alone will not get the tasks done.

3. Proverbs 27:6, 17 (ESV)

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Online friends can be sincere or not—who would know? Compliments and likes are easy to provide with a few clicks of computer keys or adding cute faces and heart symbols.

To speak the hard truth to a friend that could really help her life situation requires a deep knowing and foundation of trust built over time and shared experiences.

People need facial expressions and eye contact to fully comprehend risky messages and to grow from the interactions.

4. Proverbs 18:24; 17:17 (ESV)

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

How many friends should be gathered, or is quality more the question than quantity?

• Needed are the companions who stick around when cancer strikes, to tenderly hold up a friend’s weak body after chemo.
• When divorce erupts or a child dies, real friends offer more than comforting scripture memes.
• Friends provide meals for the family when the wife/mother cannot get out of bed as well as online prayers.
• People need to feel a hand on their shoulder or see an empathetic expression of sadness on their friend’s face sitting across the table, not just a teary emoji in a text box.

Face-to-Face Works Best!

Should we unfriend? Forget about spending time sorting your Facebook friend list this month. Close the laptop and get together with actual friends for some real-time activity.

Communicate with the people right in front of you instead of working your fingers to talk to others in cyberspace.

Be a live, human friend, present and engaged with the important people in your life.

Facebook can wait.

What friendships have been neglected or reduced to brief digital messages that need your personal attention and care?

Gail Goolsby, MA, MEd, is a lifelong educator, including past leadership at an international school in Afghanistan. Gail and her pastor husband of 39 years live where the wind blows over the prairie in south Kansas. She counsels and coaches using God’s Word to help others learn to live well. Get to know more about Gail here.

Graphics adapted, social media courtesy of geralt and Best Friends courtsy of cherylholt—both at Pixabay.

Choosing Leaders, Casting Votes & Raising Voices

In this Election UPGRADE, Julie Sanders encourages us to consider godly wisdom when we vote this year.

"Elections raise a lot of questions and stir up even more emotions," Julie says. "Scan social media or listen in to nearby conversation during Election Season, and you’re likely to hear conflict."

I (Dawn) do hear it, and I'm weary of all the name-calling and lies. But Christians can't pull away from the election process. We need to make our votes count.

Julie continues . . .

Casting our vote has become a tense business. To choose wise leaders in hard times, we need truth.

The voter’s guide arrived a month ago. Descriptions of experience, opinions, alliances, and promises filled the pages to help make decisions about who to follow.

People have had to “choose this day whom you will serve” (Joshua 24:15) since the Garden, but when it comes to elections, one thing is sure. 

We will vote for a flawed human being. 

1. Choosing my Leaders

Passion, rhetoric, or vision may cause us to cast our vote for a candidate.

Since no one is righteous, “no not one,” (Romans 3:10) every leader will let us down. It’s human habit to look for someone to see, hear, and touch (to physically follow); but every human leader will someday be a let down in some way.

If you’re looking for a leader who won’t let you down, look up.

Only Jesus is worthy of our total commitment and confidence. When we look to a man or woman to be what only Jesus can be, we’re on a collision course with disappointment. We won’t find flawless leaders to follow.

Eventually, a leader will stand up or sit down at the wrong time. A world hinging on human performance is a world in conflict.

Human leaders are flawed leaders. Our heavenly Leader is the faithful leader.  Though we cast a vote in our community, our trust remains in Christ alone.

2. Casting my Vote

While a follower of Christ knows her citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20), she can prayerfully approach the chance to influence her government with her vote.

After reading the voter’s guide where I live, I am more prepared for God to direct my vote to work out His plan. Nations and governments use varied ways to identify leaders; voting isn’t a Biblical mandate. God allows leaders to rise or fall (Romans 13:1).

In every people group, God lets leaders lead.

Our vote results from who we are.

When our identity is in Christ, the process or results of an election shouldn’t overturn the Holy Spirit as the “incumbent” resident in our heart and mind; He has no term limit and cannot be impeached.

Jesus should never share the throne of our allegiance with earthly issues and candidates.

Whatever the conversation stirred by election coverage, when I am in Christ, I am His follower alone.

3. Raising my Voice

A Christ-like vote should have a Christ-like voice.

Followers of Christ cast their votes and raise their voices as representatives of the Light of the World. Too often, it’s not that way.

“From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.  Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water?” (James 3:10-11)

Inflammatory language and emotion have poured out from those who don’t claim to follow Christ and those who do. Too often, words have sounded the same. Angry. Attacking. Untruthful. Proud. When we have the privilege of a vote and voice to shape government and life, a Christ-like vote should have a Christ-like voice.

“Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom ... But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.  And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace" (James 3:13, 17-18).

Every human leader will let us down. 

Only Jesus deserves to be followed with our whole heart, to have our identity tied to His.

Whatever the outcome of Election Day, God is in control, listening for sweet words and attitudes to pour from a heart filled with His Spirit.

Our vote matters and our voice matters, no matter who sits on earthly thrones.

May our Christ-like votes be heard in our Christ-like voices.

Questions to consider:

• How could I include government and leaders in my prayer life?
• What are those around me on social media and in person hearing me say about leaders?
• What kind of conversations am I listening to?
• How does my voice and my vote reflect my identity?  

Julie Sanders grew up near the Nation’s Capitol, with a front row seat to watch and learn from elected leaders. She has served with her husband on ministry teams around the world, in nations without the privilege of a vote. Now they call the Northwest home, where she is the director of early learning programs across urban and rural regions. Julie writes from her online home, “Come Have a Peace.”

Graphic adapted, courtesy of maialisa at Pixabay.

Upgrade Your Fear Factor

Cindi McMenamin's specialty is strengthening women in their various roles. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she addresses something that holds many women back—the wrong kind of fear.

"Can fear ever be a good thing? It can," Cindi says, "but only when you are fearing the Right Thing."

I (Dawn) am a naturally fearful person, but I add my testimony to Cindi's here. Perspective is everything!

Cindi continues . . .

It occurred to me, as I was writing my book, Drama Free, that most of the drama we experience in life is a result of fear.

We tend to fear people—or circumstances—more than we fear God.

For instance, I was recently stressed out because I feared not being able to complete a deadline. But my fear was really rooted in failing to meet the expectations of others and then fearing what they would believe about me as a result.  

It bothered me to realize I was fearing what people thought of me more than I feared the God who had my back and could clear my name.

And couldn’t God equip me with what I needed to meet my deadline as I surrendered it to Him?

Throughout Scripture we are instructed to fear God (Ecclesiastes 12:13).

A friend once told me:

To fear God is to have a wholesome dread of ever displeasing the Lord.

That implies a love relationship with God in which we fear disappointing Him. That results in obedience, respect of His authority, and a careful intention to not break His heart.

The Bible also tells us, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom….” (Psalm 111:10, NASB).

I’ve come to realize the opposite of wisdom is drama.

When we exercise wisdom, we use discretion and we don’t make a scene.

When we demonstrate wisdom, we don’t bring distress to others.

When we display wisdom, we are not putting ourselves on display. 

If fearing the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, which negates drama, then fearing anything other than God is likely to trigger drama.

Instead of fearing God, you and I can tend to fear:    

• being misunderstood
• being treated unfairly
• being embarrassed (by appearing weak or incapable)
• being rejected
• being in a situation where I am not in control (My daughter has a fear of flying because she fears not being in control. And let me tell you, she can be drama on the airplane because of it!)

Sometimes we simply fear the worst. That is still a fear of something other than God. It is giving more power to what we fear than to God, who can handle those fears.

In Exodus 14:14 we are told: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” (NIV).

That is ONE CAPABLE GOD—able to do far more than our fears, worries or drama can accomplish.

The more you and I get to know who God is and what He is capable of, the more our worries, fears, and freak-outs can be stilled.

We can be full of drama, or full of trust in an all-capable God.

I know which one I want to be.

What do you tend to fear more than God? I’d love to hear it in the comment section below.

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the author of sixteen books, including her newest, Drama Free: Finding Peace When Emotions Overwhelm You, upon which this post is based.  For more on her ministry, discounts on her books, or free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.                        

Graphic adapted, courtesy of John Hain at Pixabay.

Lessons Learned During Sickness

Yvonne Ortega loves to help women move forward from the broken places in their lives, having experienced tough times herself. In this Spiritual Growth UPGRADE, she invites us to think about how we experience the brokenness of sickness.

Yvonne asks, “I hate being sick, don’t you?

"Sickness means I’ll miss events I looked forward to attending. If the doctor says the illness is contagious, I dread it even more."

Going through two years of recurring illnesses, I (Dawn) know what Yvonne means. When we are sick, it's just plain hard. But God brings wisdom in those tough times too!

Yvonne continues . . .

Days of being alone are not my preference. If a cough grips me and makes talking difficult or impossible, that adds to my torture.

One of my friends emailed me, said she’d pray for me to get better soon, and told me to talk to God.

I do that every day in my quiet time. I didn’t need a burning bush experience like Moses had or to be knocked to the ground the way Paul was. I longed for social interaction with my friends in town.

I learned three lessons—or rather had a refresher course in those lessons—during that illness. I offer them to you as tips.

1. I learned to ask for help.

I like to help others, but I don’t like to ask for help.

However, I was too sick to drive to the doctor and the pharmacy. I had to ask a friend for a ride.

I longed for a Green Passion Power Smoothie from Panera, my favorite restaurant. Once again, I had to ask a friend for it. God made me and you as social beings. He made us into the body of Christ.

In 1 Corinthians 12:26, the Bible says, “If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” 

2. I asked God what He wanted me to do during my sickness.

I sensed He wanted me to listen to a set of mp3s from a conference I had attended. After listening to almost every session and several twice, I asked Him again.

That time, I felt led to take three days as a personal retreat at home. I had planned to go to the beach for a personal retreat, but sickness prevented that trip.

As I rested with my Bible, journal, and pen and listened to praise and worship music, I sensed God’s presence, power, and purpose in allowing me to be sick. I drew closer to him. 

James 4:8a says, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”  

That personal retreat blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.

3. I grew in patience.

Patience tops the list when it comes to difficult lessons.

I had hoped to recover overnight.

Unlike instant coffee, instant oatmeal and microwave popcorn, my recovery didn’t happen fast.

James 5:7–8 says, “Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.”

I don’t pray for patience because I don’t want the tests that will follow to help me develop it.

Since I live in an imperfect world with imperfect people, and an imperfect body, opportunities to learn patience will come my way.

I pray I learned the lesson, so I don’t have to repeat the same one.

What will you do the next time you’re sick?

Yvonne Ortega is a bilingual speaker, author, professional counselor, certified teacher, and speaking coach. She is the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful® through Grief, Moving from Broken to Beautiful® through Forgiveness, Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward, and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer. Yvonne’s passion is to help women facing life transitions or challenges move from broken to beautiful through God’s Word. Her books are available on her website, www.YvonneOrtega.com

Graphic adapted, courtesy of mopje at Pixabay.