The 7 Friendships We All Need

In this Friendship UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson shares some important things she has learned about friendships, and the "Girlfriend Power" that comes when we cultivate a number of kinds of friendships—including friendship with Jesus Christ.

This article includes some general thoughts about friendship, the four levels of friendship, seven kinds of friendship, and a little about Jesus—the friend of sinners.

Some General Thoughts about Friendship

Our Father God created us to be social creatures. Friendship is an important element of that.

The New Testament gives us three words for "friends."

• A Phlios friend - This is a friendship that is endearing or dear.
• A Hetairos friend — This is more like companionship or partnership; a common goal, but not necessarily like a philos friend.
• A Peitho friend — This is someone we try to persuade or influence, and in some cases, it can disintegrate into manipulation (which is not something we want to do).

The Bible warns us about friends who that can corrupt us (1 Corinthians 15:33) or friends who can turn on us—"false friends" like Pharaoh's butler (Genesis 40:23), Ahithophel, David's counselor (2 Samuel 15:12), Judas Isariot (Matthew 26:48-49).

But positive friendships can build us up in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a—the qualities of genuine love.  

What should be the scope of our friendships?

We need to cultivate friendships in the world (while not becoming like the world)—with neighbors, co-workers, etc.,—so we can be used of God in their lives. We also need to cultivate friendships in the family of God (Psalm 119:63), which will be a great source of strength.

Potential friends might be introverts, extroverts (or ambiverts, a combination). You will be wise not to exclude people who are not "like you." God will lead you to the kinds of friends that you need the most, or that need you the most, so that you can minister well and bring Him praise.

Most people experience FOUR LEVELS OF FRIENDSHIP. Jesus, our example, experienced all four during His earthly ministry.

1. Acquaintances

These are people you say "hi" to all the time, or even a one-time contact. But don't take them lightly; they are likely divine appointments.

Like most of us, Jesus had many acquaintances, and He took time to interact with them. He asked simple questions to get to know them better (on a human level) or help them understand or evaluate their own needs.

In the story of the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-26), Jesus asked the woman at the well a simple question, "Will you give me a drink?" He asked blind Bartimaeus (Mark 10:46-52), "What do you want me to do for you?"—and then, responding to the man's faith, Jesus restored his sight.

You might ask an acquaintance general questions—like "Where do you work?" or "Can you help me with this?"—to open the door to getting to know her better in a public way.

2. Casual Friends 

These are most of the friendships you'll make. A casual friendship can develop quickly from acquaintances. (Note: Many friendships are begun and developed online that might be described as casual or a higher level, over time.)

It's been said that casual friendships are "soulish"—connections are made through the mind, will and emotions. Casual friends may have common interests or activities. They may express similar concerns.

Jesus told wealthy Zacchaeus He was going to visit in his home, but He recognized the tax collector's curiosity and eagerness, and He turned the conversation to spiriitual things (Luke 19:1-9). Jesus' acquaintance-level encounter with the inquiring Nicodemus led to a casual (but meaningful) conversation as He taught the Jewish council member biblical truths he'd missed (John 3:1-21).

Casual friendships are built by asking more personal questions: (1) to discover strengths and weaknesses, and (2) for mutual spiritual growth. For example, ask casual friends for their opinions and goals. Seek out ways to help them, pray for them, or encourage interest in the Bible.

Be trustworthy and many of these relationships will grow closer.

3. Close Friends

These are a smaller group of friends. While the first two levels can be with believers or non-believers, for the Christian, close friendships are meant to be "spiritual." A oneness of spirit develops IN the Spirit (2 Corinthians 13:14; Philippians 2:1-2; 1 John 1:5, 7).

Jesus' relationship with most of His disciples would be this kind of friendship; and Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were likely also close friends. Mary Magdalene was a committed follower too, and likely a close friend. There are many biblical examples of how He built into their lives in spiritual ways, encouraged them, and helped them understand biblical truth.

There's a higher level of responsibility in close friendships. We are instructed to exhort one another and  "provoke one another" to love and good works (Hebrews 3:13; 10:24).

At this level, friends should invest in each other. Perhaps they might join in a Bible study togehter or work on a projects together that lead to mutual maturity and spiritual success.

4. Intimate Friends

At each level, the number of friends decreases. Jesus seemed to have a special friendship with an "inner circle" of friends. These kinds of friends are special and rare.

Three disciples are mentioned as being with Jesus at extraordinary times when His glory and power were manifest, and when He was sorrowful and needing physical strength. These three—Peter, James, and his brother, John—were with Him at the Transfiguration (Mark 9:2-13; Luke 9:28), when He raised Jairus' daughter (Mark 5:37; Luke 8:51), and during His agony in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-38).

A natural-born and proud leader, Peter led the disciples in a profound statement of faith (Matthew 16:17-19); but the Lord—in His sovereign love for His friend—had to take Peter through a tough learning process, teaching him humility after he denied the Lord (Luke 22:54-62).

The "sons of thunder"—James and John—were likely together with Jesus a lot. John was described as the "one Jesus loved" (John 13:23)—they were essentially "best friends." It was to this John that He entrusted the care of His earthly mother (John 19:26). Faithful James was the first martyr for his testimony of faith in Jesus (Acts 12:2).

With our intimate friends, our goal is to help each other mature in godly character and obey the Lord. This may take on many forms: Correction or pointing out "blind spots;" Helping discern root causes and suggesting biblical solutions; Honest conversations with humility; Discretion and discernment, etc. And loyalty, faithfulness, and prayer are givens.

(Note: In general, women's friendships tend to be more intimate and involve more emotional sharing than men's friendships, and women generally self-disclose more than men, especially in intimate relationships. Some caution should be taken to keep these intimate friendships pure and God-honoring.)

We all need a lot of different kinds of friends, because NO ONE earthly friend can meet all our needs ... except Jesus.

Expecting any one friend to be all things to you isn't fair or wise.

There are at least seven kinds of friends we all need (though not necessarily at the same time).

As you read through these descriptions, ask THREE QUESTIONS:

• Who has been that kind of friend to you?
• Does someone consider YOU this kind of friend?
• Is there a type of friendship you might need to cultivate?
  

The Seven Friendships You Need

Try to intentionally cultivate these kinds of friendships:

1. A LAUGHING Friend — Someone who helps you create fun times.

You might say to her, "I love to be with you. You make me laugh!"

Maybe she's funny. Maybe she's witty. Maybe she has a unique and refreshing way to look at circumstances that makes you giggle or laugh. She enters into your joy.

Joy is a healthy thing, and some friends will lead you to joy easier than others. Sing to the Lord in joy together. Rejoice in Him together. (Proverbs 17:22a; Psalm 5:11)

2. A LOYAL Friend — Someone you can count on!

She's someone who says, "Don't worry, I'll stick with you through this" or "I'll stand by you, no matter what."

You know you are safe with her. You can trust her to be there for you. (It's been said that a good friend is like a good bra—she'll never let you down!)

She might even rush to defend you when you're attacked (or help you trust the Lord in the midst of it).

Proverbs 18:24 says unreliable friends can lead to our ruin, but "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (Yes, we use that in regard to Jesus, but the principle is true for us too.)

3. A LOVING Friend — Someone who truly cares about you and shows it in loving ways.

If her heart could speak to you, it would say, "No matter what, I choose to love you."

She isn't put off by your foibles and failures. She knows you'll make mistakes. She know you might even hurt her. She sees past all that (Proverbs 17:17a) and simply loves you with the love of Christ. She selflessly loves you as Jesus loves her (John 13:34). 

King David and Saul's son Jonathan had a great friendship because Jonathan's love for David was "wonderful"—strong and courageous love (2 Samuel 1:26).

4. A LEARNING Friend — Someone who cares enough to confront you, desiring to help you grow in Christ.

At first, you might feel uncomfortable with such a friend, but with maturity you will treasure her wisdom and discernment.

She says, "I will always speak truth into your life."

She's not afraid to challenge or warn you. But she isn't caustic or harsh. She speaks words of truth in love to help you mature (Ephesians 4:15). She speaks words of hope, grace and truth, and she'll suggest ways you might apply truth (Proverbs 25:11-12).

This is the friend who takes the risk to share what you need to know, but then gives you room to change without pressuring you. The Bible describes this special interaction as "wounds from a friend" and iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:6a, 17).

5. A LISTENING Friend — Someone who listens to your heart, not just your words.

She might say, "I'm not only listening; I really HEAR you."

She's quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19)—carefully weighing any advice—because she wants you to know you're valued and really heard. She wants you to get it all out on the table. She enters into your sorrows.

[In a delightful scripture, Exodus 33:11, we see the Lord speaking to Moses, face to face, "as one speaks to a friend." It was up to Moses to listen. If we would be a friend of God, we need to carefully listen when He speaks to us in the Word—intending to obey.]

Remember that a good "listening" friend is also discreet and confidential.

6. A LEANING Friend — Someone you can "lean into" for practical help and emotional support.

She says, "I'll help you, and if you need me to be strong for you, I'm here!"

She is available to pray for you, serve or minister to you in times of need.

This is where spiritual gifts can play out to encourage our friends (Romans 12:6-8; 1 Corinthians 12:8-10; 1 Peter 4:11).

Not only does your helpful sister-friend love you, she is born for a time of adversity you might face  (Proverbs 17:17). Don't be afraid to ask for her help.

7. A LIFTING Friend — Someone who encourages you and lifts you up. She's your human sparkplug and your  "cheerleader."

She says things like, "I know you can do it" and "I'm in your corner!"

She refreshes you with encouraging counsel (Proverbs 27:9), rejoices with you (Romans 12:15a) when you accomplish great things. She helps you back up when you fall (Ecclesiastes 4:10) and help you find solutions.

What qualities do you treasure in your friends? How do you let them know you appreciate them?

A Few More Tips

• Don't make close friendships with angry, hot-tempered people (Proverbs 22:24-25). Toxic friends poison or sabotage your life ... to deal with them, think: "What would Jesus do?"
• Don't gossip with (or about) friends (Proverbs 16:28).
• Act friendly—good friendships take effort, so study how to be a good friend (Proverbs 18:24a).
• Ask God to help you choose friends wisely (Proverbs 13:20).
• Always forgive your friends (Proverbs 18:19). Remember: the friends we keep the longest are friends who forgave us the most.

The ULTIMATE Friend

Speaking of forgiveness, Jesus is the ultimate Friend, the "Friend of Sinners" (Luke 7:31-34).

• Jesus wants to rejoice with you.
• He is loyal to you and will stick closer than your nearest relative.
• He will always love you unconditionally.
• Jesus is your wise and wonderful counselor.
• You can pray to Him and He listens.
• He wants to encourage and bless you.
• He invests in your life.
• He invites you to trust Him, lean on Him.

Do you know this "Ultimate Friend"?

The Lord wants us to enjoy many kinds of friendships, including His own.

Jesus said to His followers,

"This is my command. Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. ... You are My friends when you do the things I command you" (John 15:12-14, Msg).

It's very clear. The best "Girlfriend Power" begins with God's Love!

Now ... go back and re-read the questions about friendship (before the seven types of friends).

Did you discover some powerful friends you didn't realize you have? Did you discover new ways to be a powerful friend? Do you need to cultivate these friendships? How's your friendship with Jesus going?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

I Can Fly with a Little Help from My Friends!

Deb DeArmond loves to see the Lord transform relationships through the wisdom of His Word. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she shares some tips for cultivating stronger friendships.

“In a recent email,” Deb said, “my friend, Jeanne closed with the words, ‘Thank you for being my friend. In the moment, the phrase caught me off guard and my eyes quickly filled with tears.”

I (Dawn) understand the depths of emotion we can feel because of our friendships, and sometimes our poor responses to friends we love. Deb addresses both.

Deb continues . . .

The content of my friend's note was not emotional, and yet I became a puddle without warning. Why?

Jeanne and I met at a writer's conference seven years ago. She invited me to record an interview about my first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice. It would be broadcast on Heritage of Truth, the ministry she and her husband built together.

Though our time was brief, our hearts made an immediate connection that's grown stronger over time.

• We can’t meet for coffee; we live 1000+ miles apart.
• We rarely email and have never spoken on the phone.
• In a good year, we see each other once or twice.

So why did her expression of friendship impact me so deeply?

It's simple: God made us for CONNECTION.

It stirs us. And heart-to-heart friendship is tough to come by. I believe it’s rare.

We may call many people friends, including co-workers, neighbor, and our regular church companions in the 6^th pew back from the stage on the right side of the sanctuary. We may stay in touch with many who date back to childhood.  

I went from kindergarten to college with most of the same kids. They are important to me. We keep up with one another through social media—I know who has a new baby in the family, a promotion, or the loss of a loved one. I’m grateful we grew up together.

• Are these heart connections? Not so much.
• Do we all share the same faith? No, and sadly, some have none at all.

But I love them because we were witnesses to one another’s lives.

We have a shared history.

Could I call on them for encouragement, prayer, or a reminder of the God’s love in a time of hopeless despair or spiritual rebellion? With a few exceptions, the answer is no.

Life demands of us. A friend's encouragement or a loving rebuke is needed at times to remind us who He’s designed us to become.

A good friend is willing to do so, comfortable or not.

I’ve been blessed to experience this level of friendship; to have people—like Jeanne—in my life. She’s been a cheerleader, encourager and role mode. She’s open, candid and kind. I’m blessed to be her friend.

We’ve all had fair-weather friends. Those who tell us what we want to hear and when the going gets tough, they get gone.

Some of us may have been that friend on occasion. God’s not impressed with this approach.

The Bible says,

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:14-15 NIV).

I hear my mom (gone for 20 years) remind me: “If you want a good friend, you have to be a good friend.”

How can we do that? Here are some possibilities.

Tips and Challenges

1. Ask the Lord to Guide Your Approach.

Pray when you feel impatient with a friend who’s in a tailspin—again.

Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s discouragement, or a lack of faith. Remember, love wins.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2 NIV).

2. Take Inventory.

Be brave and ask your closest friends how you could support or love them better.

Ask yourself, “Do I dispense advice, or do I seek God to discover what He’d like me to share?”

“The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” (Proverbs 27:9 NLT).

3. Be Brave.

Proverbs 17:17 reminds us, “Iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”

Lord, give us fearless obedience to You and Your Word. Let us be a channel to lift one another higher.

After all, that’s what friends are for.   

Which of these tips and challenges might help you further cultivate a cherished friendship today?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the relationships within families in general. Her first book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice: Transforming the Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationships explores tools and tips to building sound relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Book #2, I Choose You Today, helps couples strengthen their marriages. Deb's new book on marital conflict, Don't Go to Bed Angry, Stay Up and Fight! was co-authored by her husband, Ron. They live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of StockSnap at Pixabay.

3 Suggestions for the Next Time You Feel Lonely

Becky Harling shares transformational messages, encouraging her audience to think biblically—and she does so with both depth and humor. In this Biblical Thinking UPGRADE, she offers three things to try if you're feeling lonely.

"What if your loneliness wasn’t something to dread but a vehicle for God to use?" Becky said. "What if instead of running from loneliness or hiding from it, you embraced it and ran to God?"

I (Dawn) seldom feel lonely, but when I have, it was tough. I think Becky's suggestions here are realistic and helpful.

Becky continues . . .

In our lives, we bristle against loneliness. We avoid it at all costs.

Yet many of us are experiencing soul weariness because we run from loneliness.

I remember a few years ago, during a heavy season of travel and ministry, I collapsed on my hotel bed and had a rather bizarre thought: “I’m lonely”.

After thinking about that, I almost giggled out loud reflecting, “How on earth can I feel lonely when I’ve been with people non-stop?” That’s when it hit me!

“I’m lonely for God!”

I had been pushing hard, and I needed time to sink into God’s presence and simply be at home with Him. He is my heart’s true home, and I needed the soul refreshment that comes only from enjoying His presence.

The Psalmists who wrote Psalm 84 understood. They penned,“My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God” (Psalm 84:2).

In our fast-paced, over-caffeinated, non-stop culture, we need refreshment and renewal.

In order for that to happen, we must embrace our loneliness and recognize it as a divine signal inviting us to our heart’s true home—God. There in His presence we can relax, re-group, rest and simply be loved.

All of this may sound ethereal to you.

How do you experience God’s presence when there’s so much pressure from our society to perform and accomplish? It’s not as difficult as you think.

Here are 3 simple suggestions to get you started.

1. Read a Psalm.

The Psalms are a great place to find connection. These poetic masterpieces help you connect with God.

In addition, the authentic words and feelings of the various Psalmists will help you feel connected to their emotions.

As you hear them crying out—

• “How long God” (Psalm 13:1)
• “Why Lord, do you stand far off?” (Psalm 10:1)
• “Hear me, Lord” (Psalm 17:1a)
• “I love you Lord, my strength” (Psalm 18:1)—

you’ll find yourself whispering, “Me too!”

The Psalms offer empathy to the feelings we experience in our journey with God and help us connect with Him at a deeper level.

2. Recognize the Ache in Your Soul Is Your Call Back to God.

The ache you feel deep in the innermost parts of your soul has been placed there by God Himself. It is a hunger that only He Himself can fill. Nothing else will completely satisfy.

In our culture, we don’t like to feel pain, so we run from pain, hide from pain or numb our pain. The truth is, pain can be a fabulous signal alerting us that something is wrong.

When you feel the pangs of loneliness, rather than turning on Netflix or vegging out in front of an Amazon movie, consider whether you’ve had adequate time soaking in God’s presence.

Set aside some extra time to relax unhurried in His presence. In your time, read a few verses, listen to some worship music, journal your prayers, and ask the Holy Spirit to give you a deeper awareness of God’s presence.

3. Re-connect with Heart Friends.

Not only were our souls created with a hunger for God, they were also created with a thirst for friends.

In Psalm 95, the Psalmist invites others to join him in worship, writing, “Come let us sing for joy to the Lord” (Psalm 95:1).

When my soul is bone weary, I know I need extra time alone in God’s presence; but then I also need my heart-connection friends.

• With these friends we can have a conversation about what God’s teaching us and how we’ve experienced Him in the mundane of everyday life.
• We can share prayer requests and encourage each other in the journey.
• With these heart friends, I experience the presence of God in our fellowship, and I walk away refreshed and uplifted. 

Friend, the next time you feel lonely, read a Psalm out loud, recognize your soul is aching for God, and re-connect with heart friends who understand your spiritual journey.

Don’t run from loneliness or hide from it. Instead, embrace it and then celebrate that loneliness can lead you back to your heart’s true home—God.

Think about the last time you felt lonely. How could these three suggestions have helped you get back on track?

Becky Harling is authentic. Passionate. Funny. She brings a life-transformational message to every audience. Becky has a Biblical Literature degree and is a Certified Speaker, Leadership Coach and Trainer with the John Maxwell Team. She is represented by Outreach Speakers. Her experience as a pastor’s wife, women’s ministry director, breast cancer and childhood sexual abuse survival all bring depth and realism to her message. Becky wrote eight books. Her latest, Who Do You Say that I Am?—an 8-week Bible study/video series—looks at the “I Am” statements of Jesus. Listen Well, Lead Better, written with her husband Steve, releases in February 2020. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Engin Akyurt at Pixabay.

Face-to-Face Friends Go Beyond Facebook

Leave it to counselor-coach Gail Goolsby to remind us to pursue real friends. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she encourages us to go beyond Facebook.

“As of January 2016, Facebook leads social network activity with approximately 1.6 billion regular monthly users,” Gail said. “The average Facebook user has about 340 friends, but are they real or fake friends?”

I (Dawn) think Gail is hitting on a great truth. How we define friends has truly changed in recent years. And with that redefinition comes some difficulties.

Gail continues…

In 2010, TV talk host Jimmy Kimmel proclaimed November 17^th as National UnFriend Day.

For UTube, he created humorous videos to help his viewers determine who to dismiss from their overloaded friend list on Facebook.

He playfully demonstrated that:

• If people posted countless selfies/baby/pet/vacation photos,
• or if they complained about their health repeatedly,
• or sent online game invites too many times—

CLICK. They were unfriended.

Kimmel proposed social media users should reflect on what true friendship means, and how to be a better online friend with less people.

A Good Friend is Hard to Find

How do we develop real, meaningful relationships in short phrases, food and family pictures, and emoticons from a cell phone or a computer screen?

What do online friends actually contribute to our lives?

A dozen synonyms from the thesaurus for friendship include: affection, closeness, intimacy, love, understanding, alliance, attachment, company, empathy, familiarity, fondness, and regard.

Can we form a genuine attachment to people that we do not share physical presence with on a regular basis?

Can we read others’ theological debates, political rants, favorite Bible verses, daily updates and hope to become emotionally or spiritually connected?

Let’s review friendship examples and exhortations that come from Scripture and compare them to online friendship potential.

1. Job 2:11 (ESV)

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.

The three friends went to sit with Job in his troubles.

Are twenty postings of encouragement on a Facebook wall as powerful as a person in physical proximity to communicate support? I don’t think so.

2. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (ESV)

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Loneliness can be challenging as well as sad. Friends together can accomplish much and share the burden of moving, repairing, cleaning, planting, harvesting, and building.

Typed words alone will not get the tasks done.

3. Proverbs 27:6, 17 (ESV)

Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

Online friends can be sincere or not—who would know? Compliments and likes are easy to provide with a few clicks of computer keys or adding cute faces and heart symbols.

To speak the hard truth to a friend that could really help her life situation requires a deep knowing and foundation of trust built over time and shared experiences.

People need facial expressions and eye contact to fully comprehend risky messages and to grow from the interactions.

4. Proverbs 18:24; 17:17 (ESV)

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

How many friends should be gathered, or is quality more the question than quantity?

• Needed are the companions who stick around when cancer strikes, to tenderly hold up a friend’s weak body after chemo.
• When divorce erupts or a child dies, real friends offer more than comforting scripture memes.
• Friends provide meals for the family when the wife/mother cannot get out of bed as well as online prayers.
• People need to feel a hand on their shoulder or see an empathetic expression of sadness on their friend’s face sitting across the table, not just a teary emoji in a text box.

Face-to-Face Works Best!

Should we unfriend? Forget about spending time sorting your Facebook friend list this month. Close the laptop and get together with actual friends for some real-time activity.

Communicate with the people right in front of you instead of working your fingers to talk to others in cyberspace.

Be a live, human friend, present and engaged with the important people in your life.

Facebook can wait.

What friendships have been neglected or reduced to brief digital messages that need your personal attention and care?

Gail Goolsby, MA, MEd, is a lifelong educator, including past leadership at an international school in Afghanistan. Gail and her pastor husband of 39 years live where the wind blows over the prairie in south Kansas. She counsels and coaches using God’s Word to help others learn to live well. Get to know more about Gail here.

Graphics adapted, social media courtesy of geralt and Best Friends courtsy of cherylholt—both at Pixabay.

Avoid Drama by Choosing Your Friends Wisely

Cindi McMenamin would love to see women display more and more strength as they embrace life-changing truth. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she explains how we can have less drama and more soul-strength by choosing friends carefully.

She asks, "Do you find there’s much drama in your life? If so, it may have to do with your choice of friends."  

I (Dawn) know this is true. Today I have different "levels" of friendships—intimate, ministry-based, casual, and sad to say, "guarded." Friends are truly a blessing, but we still need to pray carefully about the people we invite into our hearts.

Cindi continues . . .

Christian women often get the idea that they must be friends with everyone. Yet the Bible tells us,

“The righteous choose their friends carefully” (Proverbs 12:26, NIV).

Sometimes you and I don’t actually choose our friends—they just find us and before we know it, we’re hanging out with someone who is either helpful or a hindrance. But if you and I want to dial down the drama in our lives, it would be wise to take inventory of our friendships.

As I was writing my book, Drama Free, I included a list of the five types of friends you and I need in our lives. As you read through this list (which is not in any particular order), you might want to take mental note of the kinds of friends you currently HAVE to get an idea of how balanced you are.

You might also use this list as a guide to praying about the friendships you might STILL need.

1. The Fun Friend

Let’s admit it. We all need someone who is fun to be with, who makes us laugh, who encourages us to set the work aside, have some fun, live a little.

You and I can’t spend every waking moment with this friend because if we did, we’d never get anything done. But if you have a friend who can balance the fun with responsibility and maturity, and encourage you to let go of work now and then and not take yourself so seriously, you have found a treasure.

Who encourages you to not take yourself so seriously?

2. The Firm Friend

I’m not talking about the woman who is constantly working out and has considerably less body fat than the rest of us. Although you and I need her too (we’ll get to her later), we need a friend who will firmly tell us what we need to hear, not just what we want to hear.

While your fun friend may encourage you to laugh it off or live for the moment, your firm friend will often remind you of what’s best for you, even if it isn’t fun or even comfortable. She does this because of her love for you and her ability to see beyond the moment to what really matters.

And if she’s able to be firm with a generous dose of grace and love, hold onto her. She is a rare gift.

Who tells you what you need to hear instead of just what you want to hear?

3. The forward-moving friend

You’ve seen her. You probably even admire her (or maybe you can’t stand her because she has it all together!).

She gets excited about New Year’s resolutions and seeks out people to join her in them each January. She talks about what she’s reading, what she’s learning in her Bible study, or the latest class she’s taking to explore something new.

Do you have someone to challenge you to be more healthy, read more books, think more deeply, hone your skills?

We all need to keep moving forward personally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Who challenges you to move beyond where you are right now? 

4. The Faithful Friend

Every woman needs a friend who will be there through thick and thin. Through the dark days, through the sick days, through the days you are having difficulty and just need someone to understand.

Not only is the faithful friend always there, but she’s loyal—meaning she would never talk behind your back or re-evaluate the friendship if she thinks she’s giving more than you are.

A faithful friend doesn’t keep track of how many times she has called you vs. how many times you take the initiative to call her.

She will pick up with you wherever the two of you left off.

The opposite of the faithful friend is the gossip or critic. Proverbs 16:28 says “a whisperer separates close friends.” Your faithful friend is the one who will never be whispering to others about you.

Who can you always depend on, regardless of season or schedule?

5. The “Faith-filled” Friend

Do you tend to be a worrier? Do you stress out when a situation seems out of control? If you hang around others who do the same, you will fuel each other’s fire of fear and doubt.

That’s why every woman needs a faith-filled friend who doesn’t worry or talk about the “what ifs,” but trusts in the Lord and helps fill up others with her faith.

When your concerns cross the line into worry, doubt, and fear, that’s when you need your faith-filled friend to remind you Who is ultimately in control. 

If you have at least one friend in each category above (or all the categories are covered by the few friends you have), you are rich beyond measure.

And if there’s a friend on that list that you don’t yet have, you know what to look for—and the kind of friend to be as well.

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the author of fifteen books, including her newest, Drama Free: Finding Peace When Emotions Overwhelm You, upon which this post is based.  For more on her ministry, discounts on her books, or free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.                        

All Graphics adapted, courtesy of Pixabay, except for the Faith-filled friend graphic, courtesy of Lightstock.