Finding Peace When Regret Cripples Your Heart

Dianne Barker is a positive author with a caring heart. In this Biblical Perspective UPGRADE, she reminds us where our peace comes from when our hearts are filled with regrets.

Dianne asks, "Are you looking back on what appears to be a colossal failure?"

I (Dawn) think we all have them—regrets about our failures. But we don't have to let regrets settle into our hearts. God made a way to confident peace, and Dianne helps us understand how that can change us.

Dianne continues . . .

Looking back on failure thrusts me into a reflective mood:

• wondering where I messed up,
• how I could have made better decisions, and
• what else I could have done to get the desired result.

The cliché hindsight is 20/20 is on target.

Sadly, we don’t have hindsight when we need it—BEFORE the colossal failure.

When it does show up, we beat and blame ourselves for not handling matters better, crying, "If only!"

A friend’s wise words helped me move beyond crippling regret.

I had arrived at our Bible study feeling discouraged and defeated after giving an angry response to someone I loved. Now my friend and I would teach other women about the Christ-filled life.

Feeling like a failure, I shared the situation with my co-leader, Amy, a precious and godly young woman who loved me unconditionally. 

She knew my angry response was out of character and that I would make amends. But at this moment, I needed to move beyond the incident and focus on the lesson.

With eyes communicating love and concern, she said,

“'Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.' If something happened five minutes ago, it’s behind.”

Learning to apply Philippians 3:13 in such a practical way changed me.

Our amazing minds do not forget, but we can choose to put a matter out of mind.

The top two reasons to forget the past: 

• It wasn’t very good.
• It’s unchangeable.

Why do we continue thinking about a disappointment that caused hurt? It’s past… unchangeable.

If we don’t put it out of mind, failure will rob our peace and joy going forward.

Maybe you had a colossal failure in a relationship. Maybe you made a devastating personal choice.

Here's how I've learned to deal with regrets:

1. Run to Jesus and confess the failure.

2. Accept His forgiveness.

3. Seek His wisdom and go in His strength to make amends, if amends are required. (Sometimes the issue is mine only).

4. Choose to put the incident out of mind and go forward giving praise to the Lord.

Our Enemy loves to berate us, reminding us of failure and pouring on regret.

Friend, it is past! Forgiven!

Actively trust in God's forgiveness, release the past to His grace, and surrender your life to walk in obedience.

King David had a colossal failure. Remember the Bathsheba-Uriah incident? He suffered unthinkable consequences for his poor judgment, but he confessed and received God’s forgiveness and blessing.

Let 1 Kings 15:5 encourage you:

“because David did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and did not turn aside from anything that he commanded him all the days of his life, except in the matter of Uriah the Hittite.” 

Is there a colossal failure you need to get past? When the Enemy pours on regret, how can embracing what God's Word says about intentionally "forgetting" your past—your regrets—give you peace?

Dianne Barker is a speaker, radio host, and author of 11 books, including the best-selling Twice Pardoned and award-winning I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck Down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life. She’s a member of Advanced Writers and Speakers Association, Christian Authors Network, and Word Weavers International. Visit her blog for more information. www.diannebarker.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Foundry Co at Pixabay.

We Make Our Plans, but ...

In this Trials UPGRADE, Dawn writes about the coronavirus and how Christians might want to respond with biblical thinking.

A week ago, my husband's ministry trip to Ecuador was canceled. My brother-in-law's ministry trip was canceled (as well as his and his wife's vacation).

So many ministry friends are rescheduling and hoping new dates will work after the rampant COVID-19, caused by the coronavirus named SARS-CoV-2, turned into a pandemic.

Life with our new normal—at least for months to come—means holding on to our plans with a loose hand.

I'm reminded of the wise words in Proverbs 16:9 (NLT)—"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." I've always taken that as the Lord desires to create a plan for us to move forward.

God is sovereign and He "determines" our steps. But we still need to listen to His voice and obey when He speaks.

Back in January, knowing I would likely be recovered from a recent stem cell transplant by now, I made a lot of plans for March and April. The Lord had other plans for me.

We make our plans, but when they change, we need to be sensitive to what the Lord might be saying to us about how to deal with those changes!

In this current pandemic, the COVID-19 disease caused by SARS-CoV-2, the Lord is speaking to me about eight "be" concepts in the book of Ephesians—there are likely more—that can help me each day during the required shelter-in-place mandate.

Perhaps they will help you focus too.

"Be" ... in Ephesians

1. Be Still

Althought the word "be" isn't in Ephesians 1:17-21, it is a prayer Paul prayed for Christ-followers to help them become better acquainted with God (v. 17b).

In essence, Paul encouraged believers to do what the psalmist said in Psalm 46:10:

Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

Paul said he wanted believers to have wisdom from God, with the "eyes" of their hearts enlightened. And why? So they might "know the hope" to which He has called us. We have hope IN the Lord, and we can receive hope FROM the Lord.

Our hope is based in God's "power for us."

The risen Christ reigns, and it is His power that energizes us to face our struggles today—even a pandemic.

We need to be still and contemplate who God is, and the power we have in the mighty "exalted" One!

2. Be Wise

Ephesians 5:15-16 says we should "be very careful" how we live. We need to live with God's wise truths in mind. Why? "Because the days are evil."

We need to make wise choices in these days, and make the most of every opportunity we have to live for the Lord and proclaim who He is.

Verses 18-20 compare foolish living with wise living. Rather than indulging in things that will dull our senses, we need to be fully engaged by making the wise choice to "be filled" with the Spirit—another powerful "be" concept.

When we filled with the Spirit and making wise choices, we will speak and sing things that glorify our Father God, and we will be grateful.

3. Be Patient

Ephesians 4:2 reminds us to "be completely humble and gentle; be patient...."

Although I focused here on patience, don't miss the link to humility and gentleness!

• It takes humility to be patient in long lines at stores or airports.
• It takes humility and a patient, gentle spirit to be bear up with kids who are getting on our "last nerve" during pandemic.
• It takes patience when members of our family are going stir crazy—not knowing how to deal with sudden boredom, or reacting with anger born out of frustration.
• It takes patience when quarantined.

I'm sure you can think of other examples where patient humility and gentleness must be the rule of the day.

4. Be Compassionate

It's important to remember we are not alone in this coronavirus struggle.

This is not a time for "it's all about me."

Spiritual maturity will help us live out Ephesians 4:32a: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other...."

In times of crisis, we may feel like we're one minute away from a meltdown.

It's easy to become self-focused. It's easy to over-react when we feel slighted or hurt by others.

This is the time to forgive with Christ-like forgiveness—("...just as in Christ God forgave you" (4:32b).

This is the time to be kind and compassionate. This is the time to give people the benefit of the doubt and be understanding—and when necessary, to show mercy!

Others are going through tough times too, and they may not know how to cope.

5. Be Loving

We are to follow God's example as His beloved children (Ephesians 5:1). We need to be "rooted and established in (His) love"—the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:16-19).

Loving like Christ is not an option for the believer. It's part of our godly stewardship.

Joe Carter, editor of TGC Weekly (The Gospel Coalition) wrote, "While Christians rightly poiint out that God is sovereign over all things—including the economy—we whould also recognize that we have a role to play as stewards of God's creation. ... Ultimately, stewardship is all about love."

Years ago, it seemed everyone was asking, "What Would Jesus Do?" In the stewardship of love, we seek to see people and their needs through the eyes of the Lord.

And as much as possible, and as the Lord leads, we move in love to meet needs.

It may mean something like:

• buying a package of baby wipes for a mom with little ones,
• taking a meal to a shut-in (and lingering for a conversation if he or she seems lonely), or
• filling a tank with gasoline for a doctor or nurse who still reports for duty to help those with COVID-19.

What would Jesus Do?

6. Be Light

In times of crisis, this is often the opportune time to "be light" in the darkness.

In Ephesians 5:8-10, Paul reminded the Ephesian believers they were once in spiritual darkness, "but now," he said, "you are light in the Lord."

We need to recognize we are all lost and in spiritual darkness without the Lord and His mercy. We need to remember the grace of the Lord Jesus to us from the cross.

When we remember well, we will likely want to "live as children of light." We will to make a difference in people's lives around us, and we'll want our attitudes and actions to please Him. We'll want to "shine as lights in the world" and allow our good works to glorify the Father (Philippians 2:15; Matthew 5:16).

Paul made a special request of the Ephesian believers. He wanted them to pray he would be fearless in sharing the Gospel (6:19-20).

And that should be the prayer we pray for ourselves and our brothers and sisters in Christ as we shine together for the Lord.

7. Be Strong

In these stressful times, it is important that we "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power" (Ephesians 6:10-12). Our own strength may wane as we struggle with all the changes we need to make in fighting this pandemic.

We're supposed to wear the "armor of God" every day, but it's important to be SURE we're wearing it now (Ephesians 6:13-17) so we can "be strong and courageous" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

And when the battle gets especially tough, we need to remember to run to our refuge in God—He is our "strong tower" of safely (Psalm 46:1-3; Proverbs 18:10). 

8. Be Alert

Ephesians 6:18 says, "be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people."

Although we need to be loving and compassionate to all people, this is a special admonition to be alert to the needs of our brothers and sisters in Christ.

We may not have the needed resource to help them in practical ways, but we always have the resource of prayer to petition God for their needs.

As we live as children of light, we also need to be alert to our adversary's strategies to attack God's flock (1 Peter 5:8).

Believers can have tough physical needs during times of trial—but sometimes the attacks of Satan in their minds and hearts are just as tough and destructive.

Be alert to ways you can encourage individual members of the family of God who are struggling with Satan's lies.

Be aware of fresh action steps that can lead to your growth, others' good, and God's glory.

Which of these "Be" concepts are you practicing now? Is there another "Be" you might consider?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, initial graphic courtesty of congerdesign at Pixabay.

God Chose You, Sins and All!

Janet Thompson is an accomplished author of many books on many topics that point us to the goodness and faithfulness of God. In this Easter-is-coming UPLIFT post, Janet reminds us of the reason for the cross, and the joy of being chosen by the Lord for redemption from our past.

"Imagine an opportunity," Janet says, "to write your past sins on a slip of paper and nail it to a wooden cross. A symbolic visual that the purpose of the brutal crucifixion and glorious resurrection was to afford you and m, the opportunity for repentance and forgiveness!

"Yet still, we can’t imagine that anyone, even Jesus, could forgive our past."

I (Dawn) once attended a women's conference where the women did exactly that. On a file card, we each wrote some sins the Lord was speaking to us about, and then we nailed them to a tall, rough, wooden cross.

I was a spiritual mess at that point, and I remember thinking, "How many cards can I have?"

Janet continues . . .

Mary Magdalene was a woman with a tortured past. People, especially in her own town of Magdala, knew this Mary as the woman possessed by seven demonic spirits.

We don’t know what kind of life she led before we meet her in Scripture or how she became demon possessed.

Was she part of the occult or witchcraft?

Was she addicted to mind-altering drugs like opium or alcohol?

Somehow, some way, evil spirits overtook her mind, body, and soul. Evil oppressed and possessed her.

And then . . . Jesus came to town.

He saw her wretched life and took pity and compassion on her as He called her to Him, surprising everyone trying their best to avoid her. But He wanted to do something miraculous for them to see.

At the sound of His voice, all seven demons that had made their home in her body vanished. What a transformation! How could anyone deny He was who He said he was with such a dramatic example of His healing and restoring powers!

Set free from spiritual bondage and oppression, her eyes sparkled and a joyous smile lit up her face as she felt the surge of good replace evil in her spirit.

How could she ever repay this teacher and healer who cared enough about her to give her a renewed life?

She would devote herself to serving and following Jesus wherever He went, sharing her story with others living a miserable life, as hers was before Jesus. They too could overcome their past and become a new person with the help of Jesus Christ.

As she stood in the crowds that surrounded Jesus while He was teaching, she frequently told her story to whoever would listen. There’s no more compelling testimony than that of someone attesting to the bondage of living a sinful, burdened, afflicted, hellish life before meeting Jesus and then joyfully celebrating the peaceful person they’ve become.

“Look at me now!”

Mary Magdalene never wavered in her trust and belief in Jesus during his ministry, and so it was that she woefully suffered and grieved, watching her cherished teacher and healer tortured and crucified.

How could this happen to the man who gave her life back to her, who healed and helped so many?

Sunday morning after the crucifixion, Mary Magdalene knew she must go with the other women followers to the tomb where they buried Jesus to see him one more time and anoint His body with perfumes and oils after He was so brutally tortured and murdered.

But wait? He isn’t there? The stone is rolled back and the tomb is empty? Where did they take Him?

The other women ran back to tell the disciples.

Mary Magdalene, all alone and sinking to her knees outside the tomb, crying bitter tears, hears a man—probably a gardener—ask her, “Why are you crying? Who are you looking for?”

Thinking the gardener had taken him somewhere, she asks where he took Jesus so she can go get Him.

Then the “gardener” said to her, “Mary.” He called her only by her first name.

This once outcast-of-society, demon-possessed woman, who overcame her past afflictions and never wavered in her commitment to Jesus Christ, was the first person to see and hear Jesus’s resurrected body.

Then she realizes, “I have seen the Lord!”

He chose her.

Like Mary Magdalene, do you remember how it was when you first asked Jesus into your heart?

• When Jesus freed you from your past sins and spiritual bondage?
• How happy and grateful you were?

Your life radically changed. The old life exchanged for a new life in Christ.

If you suffered from effects of addictions or trappings of the past, people now saw joy on your face and a kick in your step. Your countenance was radiant and confident. You were a new creation and excited to tell everyone what knowing Jesus Christ did for you.

You’re still that new creation, so never lose your joy in Christ or tire of telling others about him.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins (Colossians 1:13-14).

He chose you!

How does knowing God chose you and redeemed you encourage you today? Does His great love and mercy inspire you to tell others about Him?

Janet Thompson is a speaker and author of 20 books. Janet’s new release is Everyday Brave: Living Courageously As a Woman of Faith. She’s also the author of Mentoring for All Seasons: Sharing Life Experiences and God’s Faithfulness; Forsaken God? Remembering the Goodness of God Our Culture Has Forgotten; Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?; Dear God They Say It’s Cancer; Dear God, He’s Home!; Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter; Face-to-Face Bible study Series; and Woman to Woman Mentoring Ministry Resources. Sign up for her weekly blog and online newsletter at womantowomanmentoring.com. 

*Article includes excerpts from Everyday Brave.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of CongerDesign at Pixabay.

Clear Your Hardened Spiritual Arteries

Kathy Collard Miller writes much about the heart, because she wants people to have a right heart with God. In this Biblical Thinking UPGRADE, she focuses on the problem of bitterness, and God's solution, forgiveness. 

"Unforgiveness gives us hardening of our spiritual arteries," Kathy says. "God wants only the best for us, so he says, 'Forgive!'"

I (Dawn) know from experience the "hardening" of an unforgiving heart. I also know how forgiving my offender released me from the prison of bitterness. Kathy's personal story describes the power of living life God's way.

Kathy continues . . .  

I knew my heart had hardened toward my father-in-law. His commitment to another religious viewpoint kept him occupied when we visited, and he constantly, angrily debated his ideas with us. He could go on and on about his beliefs without ever being willing to hear anything we said.

I felt frustrated. Without realizing it, I believed I had to protect my heart by becoming bitter.

I could never think of anything he did right, only his faults whether we were visiting him and my mother-in-law or not. I focused on his lack of care for his son and his grandchildren.

Although he gave some attention to our children, I longed for him to be a patient and encouraging grandfather investing in their spiritual growth.

It appeared to me he only represented his view of God as mean and spiteful.

I knew my responses weren’t representing God well either, but I felt trapped in my bitter rehearsing of his faults.

Over time I learned three important truths to set me free from my bitterness and bring joy into our family.

1. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.

At times, I tried to forgive him. I knew my hard heart wasn’t helping the situation and didn’t help my young children either—supposedly the very ones I was so concerned about.

I forced myself to think, “Don, I forgive you,” but later, the old feelings surfaced again. I concluded I hadn’t really forgiven him.

Eventually, I realized I had made a conscious choice to forgive him and that is forgiveness.

Feelings are fickle and will return. It doesn’t mean I hadn’t forgiven him.

2. We can be motivated to cooperate with God's call of forgiveness when we really understand it’s God’s plan for our good.

God doesn’t want us to forgive because he wants us to be hurt again.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we are obligated to allow someone to continue to hurt us. Forgiveness can involve boundaries and loving strength to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).

The reason God says forgiveness is for our good is because we are set free from having another person control us.

After all, if we are constantly negatively rehearsing the way they hurt us, then we aren’t thinking about the wonderful parts of our lives and God’s love for us.

3. We can forgive because God has forgiven us far more than the hurt from another person.

We don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. But Jesus’s death made God’s forgiveness possible, because He paid the debt we owed. God’s loving graciousness declares we are in His forever family and set free from our sins. We can’t earn that by being good; it’s a free gift.

Colossians 3:13 inspires us: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Gratitude for God’s unearned and undeserved love can motivate us to release punishing someone else.

As God continued over time to help me with these truths, my anger toward Don diminished and I could more easily make that choice to stop rehearsing his faults.

He even turned from his erroneous thinking and returned to true faith in Jesus as his Savior and Lord when he was 83. He became a different person of love and joy.

Although he never acknowledged how he had hurt our family, including my husband’s mom, we knew his hugs loved us authentically.

After he had a sudden brain aneurism at age 90 and lay in the hospital dying, I was able to read him the letter of forgiveness I’d written him.

I doubt he heard me, but I knew God had heard my heart’s cry and released me totally from the bitterness I had harbored.

I also included in the letter the ways he had loved his family, though they had seemed so insignificant over the years. Just as I fail, he couldn’t be perfect. That helped me see the good parts of our family dynamics.

Today, I know the power of forgiveness, which clears our hardened spiritual arteries.

Who is God calling you to take an initial conscious step to forgive? Ask God to help you make that decision.

Kathy Collard Miller is a wife, mom, and grandma who speaks and writes about God’s work in her life, family, and marriage. She has authored 54 books including Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory. She lives in Southern California with her husband, Larry, of 49 years. For more information about Kathy, visi www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Giralt at Pixabay.   

Remove the Ink Stain

Kolleen Lucariello reminds us words wound us, but God doesn't want us to stay hurt. In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE she shares a personal story about how the Lord helped her deal with her anger and pain.

“Sometimes,” Kolleen says, “words can leave a stain on a heart—like ink on paper.”

Oh yes. I (Dawn) dealt with horrible, painful words some 30 years ago. I cried for weeks! But I'm glad the Lord taught me the lessons Kolleen shares here.

Kolleen continues…

Within a few months of my wedding day, a letter arrived in our mailbox from a family member who decided my husband Pat needed help with a decision he and I were in the process of making. Of course, even though the letter was addressed to him, I read it.

That was when the words—which had been written in ink on notepaper—left a stain on my heart I was convinced could never be erased away.

Truthfully, for a very long time, I didn’t want it to be. 

The letter held words of criticism and words that hurt, and it also held my heart and mind for many months following its arrival.

I tucked it away in the drawer of our nightstand where it was within easy reach when I needed a reminder of why I was mad. Rereading it helped me remain steadfast in my anger, so I would read it almost every day—sometimes more than once.

Any moment I felt the grip on my anger begin to loosen, I would retreat to the bedroom nightstand, remove the letter, and read it over one more time.

Oh, what fire that little spark could ignite.

Until one day when I was advised to throw the letter away and I didn't want to throw it away. It felt good holding onto it. Or so I thought.

Until I finally threw it away.

I was surprised how much better I felt when it was no longer in my possession. Throwing it away, so it was no longer something I could hold physically and look at, released me from the stabbing pain I felt when I read that letter over and over again.

Why do we inflict pain like this upon ourselves? 

Next, I needed to stop rehearsing it over and over in my mind.

I had read that letter so many times it was memorized.

It was easy to access because it was stored like a file, and at any given moment I could search my memories filing system and retrieve it. I just needed the name of the offender to flow through my mind and boom—just like that—the file was pulled, revealing all misdeeds against the offender.

Then I began to sense it was time to delete the file. I knew this meant I needed to change the direction of my thoughts every time the words of that letter began to enter them.

That was a hard choice.

It was also a constant battle. But, I knew it was one that needed to be done if I were ever to be free from the pain of that letter.

It wasn’t enough to just delete the file and let it go.

I thought it was. I wanted it to be! However, the Lord revealed I would never truly be free until I was able to forgive. Ouch.

Extending forgiveness takes courage when you’ve been wounded.

God would never ask us to offer grace to others if He didn’t know we would benefit from it.

You upgrade your life when you . . .

1. Remove anything you are holding that keeps you tied to anger.

Holding on gives it power over you and the ability to become an idol in your life.

Remember, Jesus said to remove anything causing us to stumble (Matthew 5:29). And God has strong feelings towards idols.

2. Stop rehearsing the conversation or situation over in your mind.

"Set your mind and keep focused habitually on the things above [the heavenly things], not on things that are on the earth [which have only temporal value]. For you died [to this world], and your [new, real] life is hidden with Christ in God" (Colossians 3:2-3 AMP).

3. Forgive.

The Word is clear that we are called to forgive. When we nurture hurt and anger with the result that it interferes with our relationship with God, well, then our Father will not forgive us (Matthew 6:15, AMP).

Where we set our mind matters.

Has your heart been stained by ugly words, accusations and insults that continually fill up your thoughts? Make today the day you find the courage to remove the ink stain.

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book The ABC’s of Who God Says I Am. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She’s a mother of three married children and Mimi to four incredible grandkids. She desires to help others find their identity in Christ, one letter at a time. Find out more about Kollen on her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of imelenchon at Morguefile.