When Mom Is in Heaven . . .

In this Mother's Day UPGRADE, Dawn reminds us to honor our moms for as long as we can. Why? "When Mom is in heaven," she says, "a big piece of our heart is there too." This is my first Mother's Day without my mom; and my husband's mother went to heaven in late 2021.

A few days after I wrote this post, I received news that a dear friend's elderly mother was in transition. Family members have gathered, and they will likely experience Mother's Day without their mom too.

The simple fact is, Mother's Day looks a lot different when a loving Christian Mom is dying or already in heaven with Jesus.

It's just so hard!

My sister was my mom's caregiver for so many years. I know she is hurting too. While there is relief when our loved one is out of pain, caregivers also experience great sorrow.

People speak of "losing" someone in death, but I haven't lost my mom. I know exactly where she is.

Knowing Mom is safe and well in the place where she lives forever helps me deal with the pain.

More about that later.

Perhaps someone reading this is struggling. I hope this will encourage you.

Five things to remember when facing Mom's earthly absence on Mother's Day:

1) It's normal to grieve.

I watched a television commercial promoting a lovely Mother's Day necklace. A tear slipped from my eye. Never again this side of heaven would I be able to give my mom a gift of any kind. Not even a Mother's Day card.

We can change the channel when the commercial comes on and avoid the card aisle at the drugstore, but that won't bring her back.

Grieving is natural, and no one can tell us when to stop grieving.

We can look at old scrapbooks of special events with our mom in the photos, but suddenly we realize there will be no more photos. We close the scrapbook. It's just too hard.

In time, a new awareness sets in.

In grieving, we eventually realize that great grief means great love.

If we did not love our mothers so much, we would not grieve them so deeply.

So what helps?

• Pause for a while and feel the depths of your grief.
• Then take your pain to Jesus—totally human, totally God—the One who understands how you feel. He is intimately acquainted with your situation (Psalm 139:b NASB). You are not alone. He does not stand back, avoiding your pain. He wants to comfort your heart through the watch-care of the Holy Spirit.

2) Some memories are sweet, others are hard, and some are funny!

After pausing to feel grief, allow your thoughts to drift to happy days when your mother was still on earth. Ask God to help you remember some sweet memories.

It's OK for tears to flow.

Memories can still be sweet, even when difficult or painful.

We can know that, as Bible-believing believers, someday all those tears of grief will be wiped away, and death, mourning, crying, and pain will end (Revelation 21:4).

In the midst of grieving your mother's death, perhaps you will recall some funny memories. That's OK!

Some of my favorite funerals and celebration services included funny stories of the deceased. Loved ones laughed through their tears.

Stories are reminders that the one we love was completely human and will be missed.

So what helps?

• If you feel comfortable, pull out that scrapbook again, or look at photos on social media or on your phone.
• Try to remember the place and time for each picture. Choose joy, and thank God for the memories.

(Bob's mother, left, and mine — when they were young.)

3) It's God-honoring and mom-honoring to remember her legacy.

All moms leave some kind of legacy. This is hopefully doubly true in Christian families. There is Mom's legacy in family traditions, and her legacy in Christ.

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his faithful servants (Psalm 116:15 NIV).

If your mom lived even nominally for Jesus, that's more than the vast number of moms have done around the world—moms who have never trusted in the Lord. It's not that those other moms don't love their children. It's only that they could not show the love of God to their children.

If your mom walked closely with her Savior, however, she will likely have left a profound "heartprint" in your life—transformational truth, and inspiration to follow her heart as you follow in Jesus' steps.

So what helps?

• Your mom may not have been perfect, but thank God for giving you life (Psalm 139:13) and the legacy of her love. If she taught you about the Lord, His Word, and His ways, praise God for that (Deuteronomy 4:9; Proverbs 1:8-9).
• Thank God for her influence in your character and your understanding of Father God (Proverbs 31:25-27).

4) Life now is about more than trying to "make Mom proud."

Proverbs 17:6b (NLT) says,

Parents are the pride of their children. *

It's natural that children take pride in their parents. That's why we have special days to celebrate them—Father's Day and Mother's Day. God tells us to honor our parents (Exodus 20:12); and the scriptures go one step further with moms: We must never "despise" (neglect) them when they are old (Proverbs 23:22b).

Yes. It's good to take pride in our parents.

Children also normally want to make their parents proud.

It's suggested that Mom is glad when we're making wise choices.

May your . . . mother rejoice; may she who gave you birth be joyful!" (Proverbs 22:25).

Most parents are happily proud of their children, even if they don't communicate it. Parental pride and gladness are often linked. I remember telling one of my sons after he displayed an act of kindness, "I'm so glad you were born. I'm so proud of you."

You may hope that you made your mama proud; and that feeling may continue after she's in heaven.

But your mother would want MORE for you.

Your mom would want you to live a wonderful, fruitful, God-blessed life. She would want you to live for more than simply making her proud.

She would want you to make God smile.

Turns out, that's a biblical concept.

May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor. . .  (Numbers 6:25-26a NLT)

God smiles when He sees His children looking to Him for wisdom and direction. When we seek Him out for the right way to live (Psalm 119:35 Msg), He pours out His favor in our lives.

Your mom wouldn't want you to become a sour, legalistic Christian. But she would want you to walk in submission, faith, and obedience to God because that's the way to a blessed life.

So what helps?

• Why not write a note in your journal or to post on social media to celebrate your Mom's life—rise up and "call her blessed" (Proverbs 31:28). Your mom may be in heaven, but you can still share part of her story or why you loved her.
• Ask God how you can make Him smile. What would that look like? What would move God's heart to bless you? The Bible gives some insight: Hosea 6:6 NLT; Psalm 147:11 ESV; 1 John 5:3a NIV; Matthew 6:33 NIV)

5. We know we will see our Christ-following Mom again.

Only God knows our hearts, but if your mother has genuinely received Jesus as her Savior (trusting in His death, burial, and resurrection; and repenting of sin and asking for His forgiveness) — and you have genuinely done the same — you will see your loved one again.

Again, what helps?

• Praise God for your mother's salvation. ** (She's not only your mom. If you both know the Lord, she's your sister in Christ!)
• Be sure you know the Lord too. (How do you know—how can you be sure—you know Jesus? Here is a presentation of the good news of salvation in Christ; and here are some evidences of salvation.)

I cannot wait to see my mom, my husband's mom, and a few precious adopted "moms" I've loved along the way. What a wondrous day that will be!

Let me offer a prayer for those who hurt this Mother's Day.

Father God,

I ask you to encourage those who have mothers in heaven. Comfort them and bring them peace.

Remind them of sweet memories so they will have tears of joy mingled with their grief.

Show them how they can best honor their mothers this Mother's Day and in the years to come. Amen.

Is your mom in heaven? Could you try some of these suggestions to face this Mother's Day with peace, and a "heavenly" perspective?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth at Revive Our Hearts, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Vlanka at Pixabay.

* Note: Most versions say "father" rather than "parents."

** I know that some moms give no evidence of receiving Christ. We cannot, however, see into their heart and mind. Perhaps they had a conversation wth God before they died. We just do not know—but God does. We can take comfort in the biblical truth that God is loving, kind, and just. And we can thank Him for the years He allowed our Mom to care for us.

Feeling Like a Failure as a Mom?

Kathy Collard Miller is treasure, shaped by God for specific ministry—reaching women who deal with anger issues, and teaching how to be a positive parent. In this Parenting UPGRADE, she reaches out to women who feel like failures in motherhood—an insightful post before Mother's Day.

"Don’t be alarmed," Kathy says. "Every mother at one point or another feels like a failure, but that doesn’t mean God doesn’t have help to improve her parenting skills."

I (Dawn) like that word "every." I am not alone in my mothering regrets. All mothers wish we could go back and redo something in our imperfect parenting. But what does God have to say about this?

Kathy continues . . .

If anyone could say they are a failure as a mom, it would be me.

Over 40 years ago, I was an abusive mom of our toddler daughter.

I feared I would kill her in one of my rages.

It seemed God had given up on me, because no matter how much I prayed to be a godly mother, nothing changed. Suicide seemed the only option, and I almost took my life.

But God intervened, gave me hope, and also gave me biblical and practical help to become the loving mom I wanted to be. Today, our family is intact and has healthy relationships.

So what can you do when mothering is overwhelming and feels hopeless?

Hope for "Failing" Moms

1. The story isn’t finished.

This might sound like a pat answer, but we feel hopeless because everything is going wrong. We believe our child’s life is ruined forever.

Think of the disciples while Jesus is in the grave. For three days they had no clue God was going to bring hope to the whole world through an astounding, unexpected act—the resurrection.

I certainly had no clue that God would not only help me become a patient mom and heal my daughter’s wounded heart, He would also open ministry doors that has included sharing my story in nine foreign countries, having over 60 books published, and sharing God’s hope in over 30 U.S. states.

None of us can predict how our powerful Father will use what seems hopeless. Because then His glory is brighter than ever.

2. What you are struggling with is only preparation for sharing help and hope with others.

Initially, I prayed for an instantaneous deliverance from my anger.

I couldn’t possibly comprehend any good coming from struggle.

But as I learned more and more, I could teach parenting classes and workshops.

I Peter 1:6-7 (ESV) tells us,

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

3. Have courage to share your struggle knowing you are not alone.

Satan loves to keep sin in the darkness of secrets. I thought I was the only one struggling.

I remember sitting during our church service after being angry toward our daughter that morning. I sat trying not to cry, and yet my heart was breaking.

The woman sitting next to me seemed visibly disturbed because I was so upset. I knew she didn’t know what to do, but I feared sharing because she would condemn me.

In time, God gave me the courage to share in the neighborhood Bible study I led, and my friends didn’t condemn me. They began to pray for me and hold me accountable.

James 5:16 (ESV) commands us,

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

I saw God keep His promise of delivering me when I accepted His courage to tell others.

Whatever struggle you have is absolutely weak in comparison to your Heavenly Father’s power.

You will feel intimidated, but be courageous to share with others. If no one will help, keep sharing until you find the wise counselor you need.

What struggle seems too strong to ask for help from God and others?

Kathy Collard Miller has continued to be in awe of God’s ability to not only release His children from sin’s grasp, but also to use what He teaches us. God has used His journey for her through His opportunities to write over 60 books, speak in 9 countries and more than 30 U.S. states. Her memoir, No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom (available in print, Kindle, and audio) is her story, which also includes practical, biblical ideas for overcoming anger and being a positive parent. Kathy and her husband, Larry, of more than 50 years, are parents, grandparents, and lay counselors. They live in Boise, Idaho. Visit her at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Liza Summer at Pexels.

The Mother of Little Acts

Kathy Carlton Willis is one of the most encouraging women I know. In this Mother's Day UPGRADE, she has a message for all women about how we can "mother" others through little acts of kindness and love.

"Since I wasn't blessed with children, I never know how to feel on Mother's Day," Kathy says. "But God gives all of us, whether a parent or childless, ways to be a mother to others."

I (Dawn) have always felt a lttle upset for those who must face Mother's Day with sadness. Maybe it's a woman who has no children, or a child whose mother has passed away. I was so glad to read Kathy's positive words. We can all learn to "mother" others and bless them in countless ways.    

It may not take away the sting of loss or sorrow, but it gives us a way to channel our feelings for good.

Kathy continues . . . 

When I look up the word "mother" in my handy thesaurus, it says a mother protects, nurses, tends to, pampers, nurtures, raises, looks after, cares for.

In Hosea, Isaiah, Matthew, and Luke, God or Jesus are described as mother figures. To be godly, we too can take on the character traits of a good mother.

During this pandemic, I've witnessed so many doing amazing acts of kindness. What have we learned during this time about showing love?

All these little things amount to big ways we can help others. Lives were touched from more than six feet apart!

There are also many unnoticed acts of love.

Moms have to do thankless tasks. We can all take up the challenge to be unseen do-ers. Not seeking credit but spreading joy.

It doesn’t take a big action to have a big effect.

God sees every unseen act of kindness or service.

Little Things in the Bible

• The Widow at Zarephath used flour and oil and a few sticks for a fire to make bread to feed Elijah. She had enough for the remainder of the drought. (1 Kings 17:7-24)
  
• The tongue. In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. (James 3:5 NLT)
• The mustard seed. (Matthew 13:31-32; Luke 17:6)
• The widow who gave her last two coins. (Mark 12:41)
• The five-loaves-and-two-fish happy meal the mom packed to send with her boy. (Matthew 14:17; John 6:9)
• The sparrow. (Matthew 10:29-31)
• The number of hairs on our heads. (Luke 12:7)
• Moses’ rod. (Exodus 4:1-5, 17, 20)
• David’s sling and five smooth stones. (I Samuel 17:40, 49)
• Shamgar’s ox goad. (Judges 3:31)
  
• Samson’s jawbone of a donkey. (Judges 15:14-16)

In any struggle, God can use even the insignificant thing that is already in our hands to give us victory!

When Peter and John saw the crippled man at the gate called Beautiful, asking for alms, they didn’t have money to give, but through Jesus Christ, had something greater.

But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!” (Acts 3:6 ESV)

Unseen Acts

Moms, caregivers, and others constantly perform acts of tiny service that go unseen. Not a day goes by without these little details.

If you’ve ever felt like your day is filled with mundane tasks, unnoticed by others and seemingly unimportant, I have a message for you.

Your affirmation and appreciation won’t always come from the recipients of your loving acts.

But God sees. He knows.

Your acts aren’t unseen, and you—you are not invisible. God not only notices you, He delights in you.

Zephaniah 3:17 (NLT) says:

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

I love the idea of God singing songs over me!

He takes delight in us. He notices us.

Think what would happen if we made a commitment to give freely. We’d be enriched by it and others will know they are cared for.

One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. (Proverbs 11:24 ESV)

Everyday Mothering

1. Notice others. Say their names. Know their hearts. Pay attention to what they love.
2. Do a tiny act of kindness. When we serve others, it’s not insignificant. Sometimes, the simpler the act, the more it touches the recipient.
3. Don’t allow the mundaneness of everyday life to overtake being connected in community.

How will you “mother” others this week?

Kathy Carlton Willis is God’s Grin Gal. She writes and speaks with a balance of funny and faith—whimsy and wisdom. Over a thousand of Kathy’s articles have been published and she has several books in her Grin Gal brand. Her latest book is 7 Trials Every Woman Faces. Kathy is active as a book industry pro, and her coaching group, WordGirls, propels women toward their writing goals. She graduated with honors from Bible College and has served 30+ years in full-time ministry. Check out her Grin & Grow Break video devotions on social media. Learn more about Kathy here.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pasja1000 at Pixabay.

3 Steps to Joy for Young Mothers

Kate Hagen's desire to help mothers is an outgrowth of her counseling ministry; but more than that, she loves young moms and feels compassion for their struggles. In this Personal Care UPGRADE, she suggests three ways young mothers can include more joy in their lives.

Kate says, "I wish I could go back and tell myself these three things." 

Oh, Kate got me (Dawn) there! So many things I'd tell my younger self, now that I'm seeing life from a more seasoned point of view!

Kate continues . . . 

Yesterday I was reading a journal from my early years of motherhood. As I read my old entries, I was heavy hearted as I remembered all the guilt and desperation I felt—always wishing I was doing better.  

I want to go back to that Kate and give her a hug.

I want to tell her:

1. Enjoy your kids more!
2. Release guilt about not feeling connected to God.
3. You're doing the best you can right now! And it's enough.

If Kate from 10 years ago could spare 15 minutes, I would expound by telling her about these three steps to joy. 

But I would make it quick, because there would be a child to run after at any minute!

1. Enjoy your kids!

How? 

Look for God's image in them. When you see them in the morning, and you're a Zombie monster due to a terrible night's sleep, look into their big eyes and think, "You are made in the image of God."

I promise, it will help! God’s loving image is there, even when they won't let you go to the bathroom by yourself.

One of the best mom verses is I Peter 4:8, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins."

Yes, my kid's sins (shortcomings) are covered as I love them, and SEE God's love in them.

Be your kid’s biggest cheerleader.

I remember deciding I wanted to be seen by my kids as a cheerleader more than a police. It was a life-changing decision that positively affected my relationship with my kids immensely.

As much as possible, be slow to anger and slow to speak, and instead be quick to listen and quick to forgive.

 These contrasting ideas will really help you enjoy your kids more. It’s a guarantee.

Have these be your rules: less talk; more listening. Don't worry if you break them. You will. But, have them be your standard. (God does.)

2. Release guilt about not feeling connected to God.  

I spent so much time and ink feeling bad about not being close to God.

It's good to cry out to God. It's very Psalmist!

But I think I often missed the joy God was trying to give me by longing for it to come the way it used to. Before kids. 

I wanted the old, deep, spiritual connection I had when I was 20 and had all the time in the world to spend in meditation. This was NOT possible during this season. 

Letting this expectation go, and enjoying the ways God WAS showing up, might have brought me a lot more joy. Looking for things to be grateful for, writing them down and speaking them aloud could have changed my joy-level greatly!  

Some of the ways God was showing up for me when my three kids were constantly needing me—and I had no time to meditate: 

• In my baby's laughter
• In chunky thighs (If God's not there, I don't know where God is!)
• In sweaty hands grabbing for mine
• In baby arms gripping the back of my neck

3. You’re doing the best you can right now. And it’s enough. 

"I'm not being the best mom/wife/friend I want to be."

That's true! Let that be true. And let that be okay.

It's really just an ego-centered thought. It's focused on you, not the other person. Feeling guilty that you're not enough isn't helping anyone! It's not a Jesus thought.

Let it come—it's ok that it's there—and then let it go.  

You're not being the best mom in the world. True! But, treat yourself the way God does. Be gracious with yourself. Forgive yourself for not being perfect.  

I'd like to go back to that old Kate, give her a hug and tell her what a good job she's doing. Remind her to constantly be looking for ways to enjoy her kids. Encourage her to treat herself the way God treats her... full of compassion, mercy and love.  

What would you go back and tell yourself?

Kate Hagen spends most of her time teaching, knowing and loving her three kids in their beach community of Leucadia, CA. She has a Master’s Degree in Biblical Counseling and has written, spoken and counseled women about mothering, body image and health. She runs a small essential oil business from her home, and usually smells pretty good. At her website you can read her journey of grieving and laughing as her mom passed of cancer, as well as her thoughts on the Bible and body image. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of svklimkin at Morguefile.

The Woman I Call Mom

I've watched my niece, Jamie Thompson Wood, grow from being my sons' childhood playmate to an incredible woman of God. She's a God-fearing young woman worthy of praise (Proverbs 31:30b). I know this transformation doesn't just happen. In Jamie's case, her parents played a huge part in her development.

I asked Jamie to share this Mother's Day tribute (Proverbs 31:28a) to her mom, Janice Thompson - an UPGRADE Partner who writes about finances. I know Jamie's brother David would echo the same kind of love and respect for their mother, but I want you to hear Jamie's heart.

She wrote ...

When I think of my mom, I think of:

• heart-to-heart talks over hot tea,
• kneeling down together by my bed each night growing up to read Oswald Chambers’ My Utmost For His Highest,
• a silly song that when played over the radio instantly connects us across the miles and time zones,
• crawling into her bed late at night as a teenager to share details, details, details after returning from a date, and
• a woman who singlehandedly embodies the picture of wisdom, intentionality, and a life lived in faithful obedience to God. 

Mom is a woman on a God-ordained mission with an unparalleled tenacity to live into the fullness of what God has for her. 

She has modeled for me what it looks like to hear from God and then follow His leading. 

She taught me though her life what it looks like to: love your spouse well, put your family first, plan for the future, see money as a tool and not a master, and balance the many hats a woman wears with grace and strength.

To many, she’s a sought after business professional, to others she’s a confidante and a source of wise counsel, and to yet others, she’s a friend. 

But I am one of two on this entire earth who get the high privilege of calling her "Mom." 

I pray God gives me the strength and faithfulness to walk in a way that honors her model and maybe someday, I will hear someone say, “You remind me of your mom.” 

That will be a very good day.

If you are a woman, you are likely a "mom" to someone, by parenting or by influence. Are you living worthy of a tribute? Your daughter (or spiritual daughter) is watching your life. May God encourage all of us "Moms" to be careful as we shape young lives.

Jamie Wood was born into a Pastor’s family and desires to disciple women for Christ. She has served as a conference planner for Anne Graham Lotz at AnGeL Ministries, as the Women’s Spiritual Life Director at San Diego Christian College, and on staff in the Women’s Ministry Department of Shadow Mountain Community Church. She has traveled to 36 countries and loves teaching others how to study and apply God's Word. Jamie, her husband Jeff and their baby son, David, live in San Diego.