Courage When Christians Disappoint

Kathy Collard Miller always cuts to the heart of a matter. As she courageously speaks the truth of scripture into the toughest circumstances, her heart for women to mature in faith comes shining through. In this Spiritual Maturity UPGRADE, she addresses a difficult topic—Christians who dissapoint us.

"When Christians we respect disappoint us, we can be tempted to be discouraged and even give up serving God," Kathy says. "After all, won’t other Christians continue to fail us?"

I (Dawn) remember a situation when I was so hurt by Christians I served with—people I deeply respected—who made choices that hurt me and colored how I felt about Christians for a number of years. But I didn't want to stay bitter; I wanted to get "better" with God's help. He healed my wounded heart and taught me many things. Kathy says it takes courage to face down these kinds of disappointments in a biblical way.

Kathy continues . . .

We all know of someone whose service for God was weak and struggling. Even worse, it seems they have failed God.

What can we know about God that will help us courageously keep our eyes on Him and trust He has the power to help us?

First, God isn’t surprised by His children struggling.

One famous example from the Bible is in Acts 15:36-41. The Apostle Paul and his ministry partner, Barnabas, went different ways because they disagreed about whether Mark should continue serving.

But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other (15:37-38, ESV).

Barnabas took Mark with him and Paul took Silas. We can only speculate the hard feelings each one of these men held against the other.

Mark had disappointed them, yet his cousin, Barnabas—known for his encouraging heart—didn’t give up on Mark.

Even though Paul and Barnabas may have been surprised by all that was happening, God wasn’t surprised one bit.

In this case, more ministry was accomplished because the outreach was doubled.

Second, God wants us to remember that the final chapter hasn’t been written.

When Paul and Barnabas went their separate ways, most likely people were disappointed and discouraged. But the Apostle Paul later wrote to Timothy:

Luke alone is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is very useful to me for ministry (2 Timothy 4:11 ESV).

What? You mean Paul’s opinion about Mark changed? YES!

Mark matured and became increasingly valuable in church ministry.

And Mark wrote one of the Gospel accounts of Jesus’s life—the Gospel of Mark! Commentators believe he wrote it primarily based on the stories from Peter.

Third, God’s forgiveness and ability to restore are unlimited.

When we are in the midst of feeling discouraged because a Christian has seemingly failed us, we must remember God isn’t flummoxed or confused wondering how He’s going to bring glory to Himself.

• He never says someone can’t be forgiven or used for His glory.
• God will discipline and restore any repentant person to fellowship—and that applies to the person who failed you.
• Of course, he or she must choose to be restored, but God’s power to forgive is always available.

FOUR IDEAS for responding courageously when others disappoint you.

1. Take Your Eyes Off Fallible People.

If we are disappointed in someone, we “appointed” them as a kind of god who we expect will be perfect.

Only Jehovah God is perfect.

God never disappoints us, but people always will.

2. Focus on Who You Are Really Serving.

Sometimes our people-pleasing tendencies want the approval of other people. We feel let down when that person fails and is no longer giving us the attention we crave.

We must learn to more and more look to God Himself for encouragement. That doesn’t mean God won’t use other people to bless us, but He must be the main source.

3. Don’t Take Another Person's Failure Personally.  

If someone fails us, we could take it personally by thinking we failed them because we didn’t keep them in line.

We might blame ourselves, but the Holy Spirit holds accountable each and every person for their own choices.

Truly no man can ransom another, or give to God the price of his life (Psalm 49:7 ESV).

4. Evaluate Your Heart for Any Idols.

Sometimes we are discouraged because we’ve put another person on a pedestal. A spiritual idol is anyone or anything we value more than God.

Our discouragement may mean that person who turned away from God had become our idol. John’s last comment in his first epistle is, Little children, keep yourselves from idols (5:21 ESV).

When you feel discouraged by the actions of another Christian, ASK God for His provision of courage and greater trust in Him.

And of course, PRAY for that believer to return to full commitment to the Lord!

Can you think of anyone who you might be putting on a pedestal?

Kathy Collard Miller loves to help women trust God more through her 59 books and speaking in 35 states and 9 foreign countries. Her website/blog is www.KathyCollardMiller.com. Kathy’s newest book is a women’s Bible study on courage, from which this post is excerpted: Heart of Courage: Daughter of the King Bible Study Series. Check out Kathy’s Amazon author page at: https://www.amazon.com/Kathy-Collard-Miller/e/B001KMI10S/

Graphic, courtesy of Liza Summer at Pexels.

The Great Divide

Kathy Carlton Willis is one of the most faithfully joyous women I know. In the midst of difficult situations, she looks for the God of joy, peace and wisdom. In this Relationships UPGRADE, she encourages Christ-followers to engage with our growing cultural divides through the powerful grace of God pouring through our lives.

“Now more than ever, I’m feeling the pressure of the great divide all around me,” Kathy says.

“There are so many issues where people are taking sides, and they assume I’m on their side or they judge me if they assume I’m on the other side. They do this, without even asking my view or my reasons!”

I (Dawn) can relate. I squirm in discomfort when there is conflict. And it seems to be everywhere these days!

Kathy continues . . .

To be honest, I’m more of a “Why can’t we all just get along?” kind of gal. I don’t want there to be sides. We can be mature enough to respect people who have a different viewpoint than us.

Do we have to match in opinions to make relationships work? I would hope there’s space for grace.

There are so many differing opinions these days:

• Masks or no masks?
• Self-isolating/social-distancing or back to normal?
• Republican or Democrat?
• All Lives Matters or Black Lives Matter?
• Homeschooling or public education?
• Big churches, small churches or home church?
• Technology-centric or simple-focus?

What do I do when people make a wrong assumption about me? Or worse, they judge me because of that assumption?

What can you do?

Don’t label fear in someone unless you know their brave story.

Be devoted to one another with [authentic] brotherly affection [as members of one family], give preference to one another in honor (Romans 12:10 AMP).

How to Engage with Grace, not Disgrace

1. Ask yourself if the battle is more important than the relationship.

2. Will the issue matter five years from now? If it’s temporary, you can get past it.

3. Start conversations by acknowledging how you value the other person.

4. Tell stories rather than discussing facts. Your experience is more important to the other party than something you’ve read.

5. Resist stirring the pot by making divisive statements.

6. Ask them for permission to discuss it before bringing up subjects that divide.

7. Decide in advance what you will do if the conversation gets uncomfortable.

8. Don’t drag others into the dispute. No one likes being put in the middle of someone else’s battle.

9. Avoid making personal accusations to make your point. In debate, we were taught you can tell when a side is losing when they start to attack the person rather than debate the issue.

10. Don’t make it your life mission to change people’s minds on things that don’t matter for eternity.

So I, the prisoner for the Lord, appeal to you to live a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called

[that is, to live a life that exhibits godly character, moral courage, personal integrity, and mature behavior—a life that expresses gratitude to God for your salvation], with all humility [forsaking self-righteousness], and gentleness [maintaining self-control], with patience, bearing with one another ^[a]in [unselfish] love. 

Make every effort to keep the oneness of the Spirit in the bond of peace [each individual working together to make the whole successful] (Ephesians 4:1-3 AMP).

Some things I’m doing:

• I’m listening more and talking less.
• I’m evaluating why certain opinions matter so much to me that I’d be willing to hurt a relationship to be right. The answer is, nothing matters more to me than people.
• I ask Jesus to show me the hearts of others as he sees them. Usually he shows me they are hurting, not hurting me.
• I’m learning to appreciate diversity. Differences can be beautiful, like a garden filled with various flowers.
• I’m finding common ground rather than fixating on our differences.

Today what will you do to be part of the BRIDGE and not part of the DIVIDE?

Kathy Carlton Willis, God’s Grin Gal, writes and speaks with a balance of funny and faith, whimsy and wisdom. She coaches others to remove the training wheels of fear and not just risk, but also take pleasure in the joy ride of life. She is known for her debut book, Grin with Grace, and for her grinning Boston terrier, Hettie. Her new book, The Grin Gal’s Guide to Joy is inspiring Joy Sightings everywhere. Learn more about God's Grin Gal.

Graphic adapted, courtesty of Klimkin at Pixabay.

Rebuilding Our Lives After a Winter Season

Joanie Shawhan is a wise encourager. She uses the experiences of her life, couples them with God's truth, and speaks that truth into others' lives. In this Personal Care UPGRADE, she explains some of the ways we can rebuild our lives after a tough season.

"Sometimes my life," Joanie says, "seems to mirror the two seasons dominating Wisconsin—winter and road construction."

HA! I (Dawn) lived through many winters in the Midwest, and I know exactly what Joanie's talking about. But there's a deeper application here.

Joanie continues . . .

For me, a diagnosis of ovarian cancer raised a stop sign and detoured me into a winter season.

Major life events can divert us into the barrenness of winter: loss of a loved one or a job, changes in finances or health, disruption of our marriage or home. Customary rites of passage such as moving, career changes, graduations, empty nest and retirement may also reroute us into a winter season.

But eventually winter yields to spring.

We attempt to merge into the previous traffic patterns of life, but discover that the flow has shifted.

Questions pop up like orange construction barrels.

• Who am I in light of these life changes?
• How do I re-engage?
• What is my purpose?

My Story

When I emerged from my winter season of cancer, surgery and chemotherapy, I reached a crossroads filled with questions.

• Who am I as an ovarian cancer survivor?
• What do I do now?
• How do I rebuild my life?

I sought out other ovarian cancer survivors, but found no support groups, Gilda’s Clubs or Facebook groups. Were there other survivors?

As I searched for answers, I joined a Christian writing group, Friends of the Pen. I started writing a book for women undergoing chemotherapy—the stories of everyday women with everyday lives interrupted by cancer, concluding each piece with a scripture and a prayer.

My hope was to provide the help I desired throughout my own ordeal.

I finally met other ovarian cancer survivors at an ovarian cancer camp in Missoula, Montana—Camp Mak-A-Dream. Some of these survivors were involved in a program called Survivors Teaching Students (STS) in which they shared their stories with medical students and other health care providers. These presentations raise awareness for ovarian cancer in hopes of earlier detection, thus saving women’s lives.

As a nurse and an ovarian cancer survivor, I was excited about joining the STS volunteer team.

While participating in STS, I met local ovarian cancer survivors. We formed an ovarian cancer group, “The Fried Eggs—Sunny-Side Up.” We meet monthly, sponsor speakers, plan fun outings and participate in fundraisers for ovarian cancer.

A cancer detour steered me into a new purpose and calling for my life—to write a book encouraging women undergoing chemotherapy, and to advocate for women and educate regarding ovarian cancer.

Several new roads were paved into my life. I love the changes.

If you find yourself in a construction zone following your own winter season, don’t lose heart.

Instead, consider these 7 areas of focus as you reconstruct.

7 Tips to Rebuild Your Life

1. Pray.

Ask God what He has for you in this new season of life. Study His word. Ask Him for specific scriptures that define this season.

2. Identify Your Passion.

What energizes or inspires you? Cancer awareness, pregnancy information, adoption, foster care, civic or church activities?

3. Dream Dreams.

Are there dreams you have laid aside or new dreams you discovered? Travel, write a book, learn a language, play an instrument, own a home, start a business?

4. Try a Hobby.

What activities do you enjoy? Music, photography, crafts, painting, gardening, traveling, biking, hiking, reading?

5. Use Your Talents.

What are those things that come easy for you?

Have others around you affirmed a particular gift or ability?

6. Try Something New.

Try a job, class, mission trip or volunteer opportunity.

When we attempt a new activity, we may discover a hidden talent or the ability to do something we never thought possible.

7. Connect.

We often relate with people who have undergone a similar experience.

In sharing our stories, we can make new friends as we help and support one another.

At the time of my cancer diagnosis, I could not imagine how God would rebuild my life. What began as a winter journey blossomed into a life enriched by the wonderful people I met along the way, including my Christian writing community and my fellow ovarian cancer survivors.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9 NLT).

How has God rebuilt your life after a winter season?

Joanie Shawhan is an ovarian cancer survivor and a registered nurse. She writes articles and encouragement for women undergoing chemotherapy. Publishing credits include Coping with Cancer Magazine, Upper Room and God Still Meets Needs. Visit with Joanie here.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Annca at Pixabay.

Tell Me Another

To read Kaley Rhea's writing is to hear her talk. She's real, relevant, righteous and right-on! In this Uplift UPGRADE, Kaley gives us a fresh perspective on the Lord's relationship with us. And it's all good.

"I don’t tend to get attached to things," Kaley says. "My nostalgia-o-meter may be broken."

I (Dawn) thought that was an overall Millennial thing. As an older woman, I'm finding my family of millennials don't want my "stuff." But there's a greater, deeper truth here.

Kaley continues…

Seriously, I’m over here like:

• First Grade macaroni art? That was years ago; let’s let this go.
• Backyard clubhouse my dad built? This thing is a rotting deathtrap; burn it.
• A great, great aunt’s collection of fabric scraps? Why do we even have this?

Somebody—I hope—is reading this and nodding with me, thinking, Yes, girl. Same.

But I know some of you are reading this and going, You cold-hearted monster. Okay, I’ll own that.

But lemme tell you a story.

My sister Allie has a one-year-old little girl named Emerson. Emerson and I, not to brag, are buddies. So because we’re buddies, not long ago I sat on the floor with her while we watched a kiddie program.

As we sat, I found myself getting pulled into this show. I don’t know how it happened.

There was a princess, and she was still learning how to be a princess, and in her moment of victory, I found myself getting choked up. Like I had to pause and take a moment.

The emotions in a preschool animated musical got to be too much, and I had to pull up and do some focused breathing. Me. The unsentimentalist.

You know who made fun of me in that moment? My grown adult mom and sister.

And do you know who else? Nobody else, because Emerson is an emotional person and showed a mature amount of empathy.

All right, it was super funny.

It occurred to me (and Emerson, probably) that I did not become affected when I saw a picture of that animated princess. My eyes didn’t well up when I read the show’s description. Or when I learned her name.

Nothing about that silly show came anywhere close to touching me on a deep level until I learned her story.

Until I saw her struggle. Until I knew her kind, little princess heart.

I do not connect very well or very often to THINGS. But I can connect to a STORY.

Do you wonder sometimes about the different ways God could’ve chosen to relate to us?

He could have said, “I am God, and you are human. Worship me.” And that would’ve been right and just. But we wouldn’t have known Him.

He could have said, “If you possess this amulet or such and such trinket, or say these words to this statue, you may know My favor.”

He could’ve looked at us and been altogether like, “Nah.” But He didn’t.

He gave us His story.

From the beginning of time, through the Old Testament to the cross, the resurrection and the revelation, He loves us so much—has such a desire to connect with us—He wrote it down.

The places. The people. The evidence. The truth.

Does that blow your mind? That blows my mind!

Sometimes I get so caught up in mining the Bible for “What is right in this situation?” and “How does this apply to my life?” that I miss the joy of being swept up by God’s own history.

I forget to marvel over and revel in the God who is present in every page, in every story, in every moment He chose specially to preserve for millennia so my human tinymind could process even a fraction of an understanding of who Jesus Christ is.

Deep breath.

Am I getting emotional now? Emerson, get the tissues!

Wonder at these things with me:

• What we have is not a religion of relics we have to search out.
• What we have is not a boss wearing a nametag or a lord bearing a title instead of providing an introduction.
• We have a God who gave us His stories.
• We have a Friend who invites us to know Him.
• We have a Father who proves He has known us since before we knew anything.

All that gets to this cold-hearted monster’s heart every time.

“Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord” (Psalm 102:18-22).

How do you approach the Word of God? What story from the Lord speaks to your heart today? Take time to pray and say, "Tell me another, Lord!"

Kaley Faith Rhea is the co-author of Turtles in the Road, releasing soon, with two more novels in the works. Along with writing and teaching at writers’ conferences, she co-hosts the TV show, That’s My Mom, for Christian Television Network’s KNLJ in mid-Missouri. Kaley lives in the St. Louis area.

This post is adapted from Messy to Meaningful: Lessons from the Junk Drawer by Monica Schmelter, Rhonda Rhea and Kaley Rhea.

Are You Exposing Shame or Covering Blame?

Kolleen Lucariello encourages women to live in freedom and grace, shedding harmful and false thinking and behavior. In this Attitude and Relationships UPGRADE, she invites us to examine a sinful practice: shaming others.

“Early one Saturday morning,” Kolleen said, “my hubby, Pat and I sat on the sidelines of a soccer field spectating our four-year-old grandson’s game; we also, inadvertently, became spectators to a heated exchange between a father and his daughter.”

Having attended many sports events, I (Dawn) know the “heated” conversations that can arise when people get caught up in the emotions of the moment, but Kolleen writes about an attitude that isn’t limited to athletic events!

Kolleen continues…

This wasn’t a father and his toddler, nor was it his teenage daughter. This was a father and his adult daughter.

The tension arose after the father suggested his daughter put a hat on the baby to prevent sun exposure. One comment, a few sarcastic jabs, and suddenly words of accusation were flowing freely from the daughter’s mouth as she began to list, in detail, all that she could remember of his own parenting failures.

As resentment seethed from her lips, my eyes scanned each family member who sat on the blanket: his wife—her mother—who sat head hung in silence; and the angry daughter’s sibling who nervously tried to end the outburst. The young children who quietly played but every few minutes stopped to watch. And listen. And then the father whose daughter was now broadcasting his past transgressions at a community event; a daughter I surmised was in desperate need of healing.

I tried not to stare.

But catching a glimpse of each person’s face, I prayed for each one. Eventually, words ceased and my attention turned back to the soccer game. But one question consumed my thoughts:

Does anyone deserve to be humiliated and publicly shamed?

I knew the answer.

You upgrade your life when you:

1. Use restraint! Learn to pause and pray before you vent-away.

In the days following—as I continued to marvel at the daughter’s freedom of expression—I observed similar non-verbal outbursts. We seem to allow ourselves the freedom to vent everything to the public, quickly and unguarded, through social media.

Heat-of-the-moment emotions can lead us to forget what Jesus said: “If a brother sins against you, go to him PRIVATELY and confront him with his fault” (Matthew 18:15, TLB).

Privately just seems difficult these days, don’t you think?

A wounded heart tempts us to justify our right to express ourselves without restraint.

Without taking a moment to pause, we allow our fingertips freedom on a keyboard to share intimate details with little thought of the impact to others.

We must learn to pause! It’s easy to sit behind a faceless computer and vent; but at the field that day, I saw the faces.

2. Remember people aren’t pawns. Don’t help the crowd gather stones.

I imagine there was nothing to hide behind for the woman who was yanked from the bed, hauled through the streets and thrown into the Temple after being caught “in the very act of adultery” and forced to “stand in the center of the court” (John 8:4).

I’ve often wondered if the Scribes and Pharisees allowed her to grab a covering. Was it only her sin and shame exposed? Do you think they did? After all, their mission was to relieve the pressure Jesus put on them by finding grounds to accuse Him (vs.6). She was just a pawn in their test.

Can we learn to fight the urge to release our pressure by accusing others publicly? People were never meant to be pawns.

Can you visualize her standing alone—in fear and shame—as a crowd gathered, stones in hand? That is, until Jesus knelt down in the sand and said, “He who is without [any] sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (8:7, AMP).

Do you suppose we are exposing others to the stones of the crowd when we uncover their deeds to the public?

3. Choose to cover blame rather than exposing shame.

Maybe Peter had her story in mind when he wrote, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others]” (1 Peter 4:1, AMP).

When others exposed her, Jesus used love to cover her.

May we choose to extend the same mercy Jesus offered the shame-filled adulteress when our feelings tempt us to expose.

Remember: there is no law against self-control (Galatians 5:23).

Who can you cover today with love?

Kolleen Lucariello, #TheABCGirl, is the author of the devotional book, The ABC’s of Who God Says I Am. Kolleen and her high school sweetheart, Pat, reside in Central New York. She’s a mother of three married children and Mimi to four incredible grandkids. For more information about Kolleen, visit her website.