Make Loving 'Investments' in Your Spouse

An article by R.C. Sproul, Jr. awakened Dawn Wilson to how much she was taking her husband's presence for granted.

In a poignant post, Sproul wrote of his sorrow after his wife's illness, homegoing and absence.

"I wish I had held her hand more." he said. "That is likely my deepest regret, that I did not hold her hand more."

It's not that Sproul—a brilliant man who is rector and philosophy/theology chairman at Reformation Bible College—never held his wife's hand. But it is likely, he said, "that I didn't as often as she would have liked."

Holding a partner's hand communicates, "in a simple yet profound way," connection. In Christian marriage, it is the "one flesh" connection.

"It would have, even in the midst of a disagreement, or moments of struggle, communicated, 'We're going to go through this together. I will not let go,' he said."

Sproul explained other symbolism inherent in the held hand:  friendship, the leadership/follower pattern, marital love.

"Hand holding is a way to say both, 'You are safe with me' and 'Follow me into the adventure,'" he said.

Sproul concluded:

Holding hands costs nothing "and bears dividends."

Dividends! We need to take seriously this concept of "investing" in our spouse. Just as we invest financially and watch our bank account grow, we can invest in a spouse and watch our marriage grow!

I started thinking about the simple, everyday things a couple might do that communicates connection, friendship, biblical roles and deep love.

Some are simple courtesies that we do for others - why not our spouse?

Some suggestions:

• For the guys, Be a gentleman - like when a man pulls back and scoots in a chair, holds a door for his wife, or comes to her side of the car to help her out.
• For the gals, Be a lady - like when a woman asks for help (especially when it's something her husband would find joy in doing), or allows her man to BE the man of the house.
• Listen without a wandering mind or trying to think of the next thing we will say.
• Praise our spouse in private ... and in public.
• Squash criticism and a judgmental spirit.
• Express gratitude for what our spouse does for us (financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc.)
• Encourage growth. Allow for failures and lessons learned along the way.
• Support dreams. Be ready for a new life "adventure." Don't immediately pour cold water on our partner's ideas—draw them out. Help our spouse think through the pros and cons.
• Meet a practical need: doing laundry; making a healthy-but-yummy smoothie for our partner; dusting their office;  fixing something that's broken (that our partner uses and needs); preparing mentally, emotionally and physically for sex, etc.

The Bible gives us many "one anothers" we're to practice in the body of Christ. They certainly could be practiced in our marriages as well.

Simple things like: Love one another (John 13:34), Forgive one another (Colossians 3:13), Serve one another (Galatians 5:13), Encourage one another (Hebrews 10:25).

A widow expressed regrets for all the things she didn't do for her spouse during their marriage. Although I told her, "No marriage is perfect. He knew you loved him," she would not be consoled.

It made me think:

What might I regret if my life partner died today?

It's not too late to change those things—to do those things—that might make a huge difference in our relationships.

It might be as simple as holding hands.

Can you think of something simple to enhance your marriage today—a way to "invest" in your partner and ultimately, your marriage? 

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is the President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego). Dawn is the co-author of LOL with God and contributed "The Blessing Basket" in It's a God Thing. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic, adapted, Image courtesy of luigi diamanti at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

12 Keys to an Extraordinary Marriage - Part 2

Dianne Barker shared six helpful keys for UPGRADING our marriages in her last post; here are the final six.

"What did a nineteen-year-old bride know about marriage…pleasing a husband…pleasing God? Not much," Dianne said. "But I had big dreams."

I (Dawn) think Dianne expresses the hearts of many women. Do we really understand what marriage is all about when we walk down the aisle. We may read, we may prepare; but there's always so much to learn!

Dianne continues...

I’d never told James my childhood dream—riding away with Prince Charming in a shiny car, “Just Married” written in shaving cream on the windows, colorful streamers and noisy cans dangling from the bumper.

James didn’t understand such dreams.

To prevent that very thing from happening, on our wedding day he hid his prized car at an uncle’s house and borrowed one to drive to the church. When friends badgered him to reveal the hiding place, I nagged him to tell so I could live my dream.

As we stuffed wedding cake into each other’s mouth, he frowned his disapproval and said, “You’re my wife. You’re supposed to be on my side.”

His buddies guessed the location and decorated his car, which secretly pleased me. My dream would come true! James drove straight to the car-wash and washed away my dream before the first mile of our honeymoon.

Although we agreed on important matters of life and faith, we approached most issues from opposite perspectives. How would we ever achieve harmony?

The Lord provided a mentor, a gracious older woman who lovingly pointed me to Jesus. When I’d complain about my exasperating husband, she’d quote Proverbs 16:7. “When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”

I had only one assignment: pleasing the Lord.

What pleases the Lord in marriage? Ephesians 5:33 Amplified gave me a job description: “…Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].”

Time, maturity, and following Christ made amazing changes as the Lord quietly worked, doing his typical Ephesians 3:20, “far more abundantly than all that we ask or think.”

The two essentials for a flourishing marriage:

1. A conviction God has a standard of conduct for our lives; and

2. A desire to live that way.

“So shall you heartily accept My commandments and conform your life and conduct to them. I am the Lord” (Leviticus 22:31 Amplified).

You can have an extraordinary marriage! [Six marriage keys were shared in Part 1; here are six more.]

• Be kind. “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue” (Proverbs 31: 26).
• Repay evil with good. “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).
• Choose a Christ-honoring response. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
• Trust God to meet your needs, freeing you to meet your husband’s needs. “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).
• Believe nothing is too hard for God. “Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you” (Jeremiah 32:17).
• Expect God to do something mighty. “For the  eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward him….” (2 Chronicles 16:9).

A final question: At the end of the day, we’re accountable only for our life of obedience. What action can you begin today to change the climate in your home?

Dianne Barker is a conference speaker, freelance journalist, radio host, and author of eleven books, including the 1986 best-seller Twice Pardoned. Her 2014 book, I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck Down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life, won the Christian Authors Network Golden Scrolls third-place award for non-fiction book of the year. This post is adapted from her forthcoming book, Help! I’m Stuck and I Can’t Get Out! The Maximum Marriage Maintenance and Repair Kit, which will be available at www.diannebarker.com.

Marriage Graphic in text, adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

12 Keys to an Extraordinary Marriage - Part 1

I asked Dianne Barker—married almost 50 years—to share a Marriage UPGRADE with us. There's much wisdom here for all of us.

“What was I thinking," Dianne said, "leaving that man alone in the yard with pruning shears!”

Now, knowing my husband's propensity to prune with abandon, I (Dawn) couldn't wait to read Dianne's story!

Dianne continues... 

I went outside just in time to catch my husband mutilating our shrubs … again. I like sprawling new growth—he likes neatly cropped. That’s one of many different perspectives adding interest to our marriage.

Occasionally when he’s away, I use my trusty scissors to give the shrubs a gentle trim, knowing James will soon follow with a drastic cut. This time he got to them before I did.

It will take years for those shrubs to recover!

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” he said, giving me an innocent grin. Looking around, I spotted a bundle of leafy stems—sweet potato plants for our little garden! For years I’d asked him to grow sweet potatoes for me, but he insisted they were too much trouble.

Knowing my husband would choose to inconvenience himself for me drained my anger before it spewed all over him. Thank goodness!

I’ve learned the hard way if I don’t say it, I don’t have to clean up the mess.

James and I have been happily married forty-nine years … happier some days than others. We are, in fact, happily incompatible with opposite personalities causing us at times to irritate each other nearly to death.

What were we thinking when we vowed “till death do us part?” We’re stuck in this marriage and we can’t get out!

We married young with no counseling on building relationships or teaching on how to make a marriage flourish. Being as opposite as two people can be, we needed an instruction manual for this marriage to survive.

I searched the Scriptures for a quick list, “Ten Commandments for a Successful Marriage.” I never found that list—but I discovered numerous relationship principles that would impact my marriage … if I chose to put them into practice.

What a surprise to find putting God’s instructions into practice in my life had nothing to do with my husband.

If you want an extraordinary marriage, begin here:

• Guard your speech and thoughts. “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).
• Choose nourishing communication. “Let no corrupting talk come out of your  mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
• Forsake anger and bitterness. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
• Live in a state of continual forgiveness. “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15).
• Forget the past. “Forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13).
• Practice covering love. “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

One person in the relationship willing to obey God can, by His grace, change the relationship. Will you be the one? Love covers.

The shrubs will grow. Now … if James just doesn’t power-wash my Boston ferns again!

Which of the extraordinary marriage "keys" could use some work in your own relationship? [Dianne will share six more Keys in Part 2.]

Dianne Barker is a conference speaker, freelance journalist, radio host, and author of eleven books, including the 1986 best-seller Twice Pardoned. Her 2014 book, I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck Down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life, won the Christian Authors Network Golden Scrolls third-place award for non-fiction book of the year. This post is adapted from her forthcoming book, Help! I’m Stuck and I Can’t Get Out! The Maximum Marriage Maintenance and Repair Kit, which will be available at www.diannebarker.com.

Reframing What 'Drives You Nuts' in Marriage

I "met" Laurie Wallin on a post at The M.O.M. Inititative, and had to laugh when I saw the title of her book, Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful. My kind of author, I thought. I asked Laurie to share two posts. This first post, a Marriage UPGRADE, addresses how we can deal with "quirks" in marriage.

"When our quirks clash with someone else’s," Laurie said, "asking the right questions can take that relationship beyond survival mode to thriving mode."

A personal story about burned biscuits come to mind, but I [Dawn] will save that for a post of my own. Suffice it to say, I had to learn to dwell with my husband according to knowledge, and learn how to be kind and prudent! (Ephesians 4:32; Proverbs 8:12)

Laurie continues ...

Years ago, my husband walked into the kitchen when he got home from work and said something that almost blew up our marriage: “Honey, let’s rearrange the kitchen cabinets. What if we put the glasses in this one? And—”

The spatula whizzing by his face interrupted him.

Wiping my hair out of my new-mom, when-was-my-last-shower face, I took mental inventory: dinner on the stove, preschool World Wrestling Federation ensuing, a crying baby wrapped in a sling around my torso, and the man wants to add a task to my life? His suggestion seemed so insensitive, so clueless, so hurtful to a mom of two then foster kids who was still trying to figure out which way was up.

It was that tense place where my love for knowing and living our personal strengths was born.

On the recommendation of a friend that same week, I’d done some reading and work to figure out my strengths. And that’s when the miracle happened: I realized my husband must have strengths too! (Yeah, I know. How can that be, with the comment about the cabinets?)

But it was true. And that moment—that realization—saved my marriage. It opened my eyes to the two questions that can make any relationship great:

• What strength is my partner trying to live right now?
• How can I see it so we’re on the same team? (What did that look like practically?)

To start, I had to figure out which one of my quirks was annoyed at which one of his. By following my resentment trail, I found the culprit. Each time he brainstormed ideas and shared them with me, I was automatically thinking, I have to do that. Right now.

That response revealed the offended quirk: my “get ’er done” strength. It was mistranslating his think-of-ideas strength as a demand and a plan of action. On top of it all, my make-a-difference strength was offended because when he offered a suggestion for organizing the kitchen, I was hearing that as “You aren’t a good organizer for our family.”

From there, away I went on the crazy train!

That’s where the second step came in. I asked myself, How can I see it so we’re back on the same team? Even asking the question put me in a posture of noticing and working with our commonalities instead of being run over by our differences. Turns out if I asked him, “Is this a fully baked [that is, get ’er done] idea? Or is it still pondering?” his ideas didn’t get on my nerves nearly as often!

It shocked me how many times he answered the latter, and I realized how often my get-it-done assumption was getting us in trouble. Over time, I learned to relax when he thought out loud, to see it as his mind and heart working as God designed: a beautiful gift of creativity and imagination.

When our quirks clash with someone else’s, asking the right questions can take that relationship beyond survival mode to thriving mode.

Next time your spouse’s quirks rub you the wrong way, isn’t it worth holding off throwing that spatula long enough to ask these questions that help the “yours, mine, and ours” weirdness to be wonderful together?

Which of your spouse’s quirks most often clash with your own? How might you use the questions above to shift from “me versus you” to “us versus issue” next time conflict arises?

NOTE: To enter a 5/16/14 drawing for Laurie's book, Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful:  (1) Share how God helped you overcome your own marriage quirk ... OR (2) share how you and your spouse (or co-worker or friend) learned to operate in each other's strengths (for better teamwork).

Laurie Wallin is a Christian speaker and certified Life Coach. She's helped women worldwide regain joy and confidence by letting go of energy drainers and using their God-inspired strengths.  Her new book is Why Your Weirdness Is Wonderful. Laurie, her husband and their four daughters make their home in San Diego.

Plan B = Beautiful

My author/speaker friend Judy Scharfenberg has a quick smile and wit, but I truly grew to admire her as I observed her role as caregiver. I asked her to share this personal testimony as an Upgrade Your Attitudes post, because she exemplifies so clearly the "how to" of Christlike service.

"The ER nurse looked at me and said, 'You'd better call your family. Your husband is not going to survive!"

With those words, Judy's life turned upside down. But the Lord has a way of turning things rightside up for His glory ... when we trust Him. And that's what happened to Judy at this turning point of her life.

She continues ...

In the middle of the night my dear husband had a massive stroke. It was my worst nightmare come true. I was scared to death and could only cry silently, “Lord, I’m so afraid. Is my husband going to die?”  

Well, that nurse was wrong. Richard survived, and even though his speech returned beautifully, he came home in a wheelchair, paralyzed on one side. He needed my help dressing, bathing, getting in and out of bed, cutting up his food, help into the car and many other things.

This is the way things were going to be. I was now a caregiver.

Life changed dramatically in the Scharfenberg household. I didn’t have the freedom I once had; my life was built around Richard. We couldn’t do some of the things we used to do and everything took twice as long. I didn’t just have to get myself ready, I had to help get Richard ready too.

I wondered if I could live like this for the rest of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t mad. I didn’t act ugly, but I was sad. I wanted my straight and tall husband taking care of me. I yearned for the days when he drove and I was the passenger. I wanted to take walks like we used to.  I wanted his arm around me at the movies and his help around the house.

I had to come to grips with this new life. It is not something either one of us chose, but it happened. 

A few years earlier I had memorized Romans 12. The first few verses rolled over and over in my mind: 

“I urge you therefore brethren, by the mercies of God to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice which is your spiritual service of worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

I asked God to give me the strength, the joy, the peace that passes all understanding.

I truly wanted to serve my husband; I never wanted him to think he was a burden. 

It was a subtle change, and I can’t tell you when it happened, but one day I looked at this man and great joy rose up in my heart and I thanked God that he was alive and here with me. I thanked God that I could care for him and make his life easier. I thanked God that I could keep him clean, I could drive him places, I could read to him, I could make his favorite foods, I could literally lavish him with love and care.   

Oh, don’t get me wrong; we still had our disagreements just like everyone does. Richard came from stubborn German stock and I like control. Many times we butted heads over the way I did things. And then I would remember how confined he was.

I could encourage him or I could think about myself and make his life miserable. 

Former first lady Barbara Bush has a wonderful quote that I love.  She said, “You have two choices in life. You can either like it, or not. I chose to like it.”

I especially thanked God because I knew my feelings and my abilities are not normal. Only God could take this devastating experience and turn it around for His glory.

Our Plan B looked BEAUTIFUL.

God turned me into a giver instead of a taker. And you know, it really isn’t caregiving; it’s life-giving, for Richard and for me.

If you could see the future; if you knew your life would change overnight; what would you do differently today?

Judy Scharfenberg has a heart for women and families and has spoken at conferences, retreats and women’s events for more than 20 years. She was wife to Richard for more than 42 years—he passed on to heaven recently—and is the mom of six and proud grandma of 15. Judy will tell you she’s earned every strand of her gray hair. Her encouraging book, Secure Families in a Shaky World, was written for young wives and moms and older women who mentor younger women. Judy is currently working on a new book, Secure Marriages in a Shaky World. Visit Judy at www.judyscharfenberg.com.