When Hubby's Quirks Annoy You

In Pam Farrel’s book, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband, she tells women “how to make this year the best year of your man’s life.” Pam and her husband are relationship specialists, and they freely share how they apply marriage principles as a couple.

“My husband, Bill, loves his coffee,” Pam says, “But along with Bill’s love of coffee, he also has a habit that could be very annoying—that is his aversion to get the coffee mugs into the dishwasher.”

I think every wife has a “this really bugs me” issue in marriage, whether it’s laundry that doesn’t make it to the basket, dishes that don’t make it to the kitchen sink, or something as simple as the way toilet paper hangs. Pam offers two creative ways to get past the annoyances and Upgrade our marriages—but I think it’s also good advice for any relationship!

She continues …

I find coffee cups every place imaginable: in the garage, in the car, in the truck, in the closet, on the sidewalk, on the deck and patio, in the shop, in the office, on the stairwell, in the bathroom—you name it, and I have likely found a coffee cup there.

It is a good thing that we are authors and speakers, because we love collecting the coffee mugs from all the churches we speak at and all the TV and radio shows we appear on—and we need every one of them!

How did I handle the mugs issue? I am not a coffee drinker really. I might drink a non-fat latte, but for the most part coffee makes my heart race, and I prefer that only Bill makes my heart skip a beat! Bill says that I am naturally caffeinated by God and it takes Bill drinking three cups of coffee just to keep up with my energy.

On the other hand, Bill has an internal homing device that helps him spot a Starbucks green awning! 

Two choices you can make when something annoys you about your mate:

(1) Appreciate the Difference. Coffee is a part of what makes Bill—well, Bill! One day, as we were preparing to move homes, I was doing that “last load of dishes” and I realized it was composed of all coffee mugs! Forty-seven of them to be exact!

It made me smile because years ago, I decided to pray for Bill every time I saw one of his empty, displaced mugs.

I was seeking to apply the principle, “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

I have embraced the ever-reappearing dirty coffee mug with fond affection, because it reminds me of my hard workin’ man who requires caffeine to do all the wonderful acts of service that benefit so many, including me.

2. Celebrate the Difference! For Bill’s 50^th birthday we celebrated by having Bill select, then roast, his own brand of coffee. It took one afternoon to visit a coffee farm, select the beans, roast it to perfection, then design the label. I knew I had a winning date as he sat, lingered a moment to savor the aroma of his Farrel Family blend of Mountain Thunder Vienna roast. He took a sip, then I watched a big grin appear on my husband’s well-caffeinated soul. 

The prayer I hope every woman prays is this:  God, if anyone I love has something that is driving me crazy, help me look for the upside—the flipside of that thing—so I see my family and friends closer to how you see them. Help me desire to bless them. Give me creative ways to express my love when I am irritated. Amen. 

Today, take that thing that is driving you crazy about your husband (sibling, parent, roommate, co-worker) and after praying for that person, look for a way to celebrate him (her).

And if you are married, step out and create a date to WOW him!

Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. How would you want your husband to treat you when some habit, quirk or personality trait is bugging him?

Pam Farrel, along with her husband Bill, speak internationally and are authors of more than 35 books including best-selling Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti, Woman of Influence, 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make, 10 Secrets to Living Smart, Savvy and Strong, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband and her newest, Becoming a Brave New Woman. Married 33 years, the Farrels are relationship specialists who help people become “Love-Wise.” These San Diegans are parents to three children—two married sons—and three grandchildren.

Are You Meeting Hubby's Needs?

Worry can be a relationship killer. In her newest book, Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries, women’s conference speaker Kathy Collard Miller encourages women to trust God more and worry less. This is especially important in regard to marriage.

“Worry often steals the joy from our marriages,” Kathy says, “especially when we're not sure we're meeting the needs of our husband.”

Kathy's right! I've seen worry cause women to react negatively toward their husbands as they misinterpret their husband's reactions. When we know men’s needs, we can ask God to help us respond in wisdom.

Kathy continues…

In our marriages, there are three things men need.

(1) Your husband needs a helpmeet (Genesis 2:18).

Like a suit made for a man, God choose you specifically for your husband to complement and complete him. And for him to complement and complete you. You both fit together in ways that will challenge you to recognize your weak spots and trust God more.

You can upgrade your marriage by appreciating the ways your husband is different. His different opinions and methods are God's gift for you to learn and grow. Casting away that opportunity is like telling God He doesn't know what He's doing.

(2) Your husband needs a lover (I Corinthians 7:3-4).

God designed sexual union to bless both of you. It's His gift of physical pleasure to bond two people together.

You can upgrade your marriage by making sexual intimacy a priority. Read books that teach a Christian view of sex and plan time for it.

Your most important sexual organ is your brain. Preparing for intimacy with positive thoughts will prepare you for your husband's attention. I often think as I get in our bed ready for sex, “The playground is open.”

(3) Your husband needs a respecter (Ephesians 5:33).

It's interesting that the Bible never tells a wife to love her husband, but it does say to respect him. Respect lets your husband know he is significant and valued.

You can upgrade your marriage by considering your husband's opinion important even as you calmly give an opposing viewpoint.

Omit disrespectful choices like nagging, contempt, anger, comparisons, manipulating, and gossiping about him.

As you think of those three insights and the three upgrades, which upgrade do you want to work on?

Kathy Collard Miller has spoken in 30 states and seven foreign countries, and has 49 published books including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries. Kathy, a mom and grandma, lives in Southern California with her husband, Larry, and they often speak at marriage events and retreats. You can read more from Kathy at her blog.

Image in Text courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Being a Happy Wife - Even When He Doesn't Make Me Feel Happy

Got 31 days? Arlene Pellicane will help you grow! In her most recent book, 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife, she talks about husbands who don’t live up to our expectations … but she gives us hope. Upgrading our marriage has more to do with choice than circumstances. She says,

“What if want your husband to make you smile, but he isn’t giving you much to work with?”

When I read that, I thought: Every marriage has disappointments, and yes, we need to learn how to deal with them so marriages can become a blessing, not a burden.

Arlene continues …

I remember a very busy Wednesday in our home. First I woke up at 5:30 a.m. for boot camp at the gym. James will tell you it was very unusual for me to get up that early (knowing my love for sleep). Then I headed to the kids’ elementary school to watch Ethan’s class participate in a folk dancing festival followed by refreshments in the classroom.  

I rushed home and had a radio interview and then needed to update my website which was being redesigned. Plus I had speaking engagements to prepare for the next few days. And we were having company stay at our house the following day so I needed to clean.

Have you ever had one of those days? 

I was feeling the need for some serious words of affirmation from James. But, of course, I didn’t articulate that in words. I dropped hints left and right, but he was not catching on.

I’m huffing and puffing, walking quickly around the house with cleaning supplies. I’m sighing and talking about how much I had to do. I’m waiting for a comforting word or a compliment. He continues working from his office in silence. Now I’m even more stressed out because I’ve added “I have an insensitive husband” to my list of grievances.

Then it hits me. I am just doing my job. Why am I trying to get extra attention? As a mother, author and speaker, these are the kinds of activities that are part of the package.

I don’t commend James every time he brings the kids to school, completes his business calls and texts back his clients. That’s all part of his job. 

That evening, I wrote this in my journal:  

I realized today that I need to do my part and not wait for the kudos. Instead of thinking James will meet all my needs for affirmation; I need to lean on the Lord more for validation. I want to stop waiting for him to say the magic words. The truth is he doesn’t even know he’s supposed to say them. 

There will be many times when your husband will do or say something that will bring a big smile to your face. But don’t count on your husband to be the main source of your smile. He simply can’t live up to that. And when you need those words of affirmation, ask for them. Remember your husband is not a mind reader.

Whenever you find yourself feeling down in your marriage, pray this and ask God to restore your joy:  

“Lord, you say that a merry heart is like medicine. Smiling is good for my health. Help me to smile more often. I give you my worries and concerns. I give my burdens to you because I know You care for me. I choose to smile because I know I am loved. Thank you for loving me.”

Do you struggle with expectations you have with your husband to make you “happy”? What, from Arlene’s journal thoughts, encourages you the most?

Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of 31 Days to a Becoming a Happy Wife and 31 Days to a Happy Husband.  She lives in San Diego with her husband James and three children.  You can learn more about her at www.ArlenePellicane.com. 

Text Graphic: from wahmresourcessite.com

My 5 'Rs' for a Long Marriage

A sweet young girl approached me at the book table after I spoke at a women’s event. “The woman who introduced you said you’ve been married almost 40 years,” she said. “What’s your secret?”

I’ve been asked that a lot lately, and I’ve been hesitant to answer (maybe because I have so many of my friends’ great marriage books in my library). I thought, “What more can I say?”

But I'm beginning to realize how few marriages last for four decades or more, so I decided I’ll share my own UPGRADE Your Marriage encouragement.

I think a good long marriage boils down to five "Rs."

(1) Remembrance

My husband and I remember our vows. There were no “if” statements on our wedding day, no back door escape clauses. We made commitments to each other until death. Those vows meant something. They still do.

(2) Responsibility

We took our Ephesians 5 responsibilities seriously. It started with verse 2 to “walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us…,” and continued through the verses about sexual purity and other godly behaviors as “children of light”—we learned how to walk in wisdom and submit to one another in love  (vv. 3-21).

Out of that understanding and growth, God gave us the strength and insight to embrace our “marriage responsibilities” (vv. 22-33). My husband strives to love me as Christ loved the church, and I seek to submit to him as to the Lord. Love and humility are to reign, not selfishness.

(3) Respect

One of my guiding principles is Ephesians 5:33: “let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Respect is a man’s core emotional need. If I don’t fill up his “respect cup,” who will? That is how he feels loved. So I let that respect begin at home, and I smile at him and praise him in public – letting the world know I’m “proud of my man.”

(4) Response

As his wife, I also want to be a faithful responder. I want to respond to his masculinity with biblical femininity and to his authority in our marriage. I respond to his advice and counsel, and support his goals and dreams.

I’m careful to be modest in public, but drop that modesty in private, responding to his need for physical intimacy. I respond to his human frailties with understanding, grace and forgiveness; and I give him a safe place to share his thoughts. I respond with gratitude and contentment for his provision (while recognizing that God is my ultimate Provider).

(5) Renewal – No marriage is easy. We need constant renewal—God’s wisdom, power and enabling. God’s Spirit helps us check our hearts and motives so we won’t put each other on pedestals or trample each other’s hearts. The closer each of us gets to God, the closer we are drawn to each other, so we try to seek Him and His plans first.

My friends who write marriage books offer many practical tips that complement each of these points, but when I keep these 5 Rs in mind, the rest seems to take care of itself.

Every marriage can improve. Which of these “R” words would UPGRADE Your Marriage today?

Dawn Wilson is the founder of Heart Choices Ministries and creator of UpgradeWithDawn.com and also blogs at LOLwithGod.com. Dawn's ministry encourages, edifies and energizes women with the truth of scripture so they can better enjoy life, bless others and honor God. She lives in San Diego with her husband Bob and a rascally maltipoo named Roscoe.

Before Your Next Date with Hubby

Arlene Pellicane offers lots of marriage tips in her book, 31 Days to a Happy Husband; What a Man Needs Most from His Wife. I'm glad she's willing to share some of them with our Project UPGRADE readers. In this post, Arlene encourages women to think through some practical ideas for "dating" Hubby.

"You know you’re supposed to go on date nights. People say it’s good for your marriage, kind of like taking a multivitamin," Pellicane says. "Yet you’re dragging your feet (taking vitamins isn’t sexy). Your schedule’s packed and dinner and movie just don’t seem that important."

Pellicane continues... 

As a mother of three young children, let me lean in closer and whisper in your ear:

Don't forget to date!

It’s critical to stay connected emotionally, physically and spiritually to your spouse. The daily grind typically doesn’t cater to that, so you have to create space to connect and have fun together. You don’t want to slowly drift apart over the years and end up as roommates. Instead, you want to keep courting!  

Here are four tips for your next date with hubby:   

1. Be playful and fun.  Date night is not the time to whip out the calendars and hash out who’s going to pick up dinner and who’s going to visit Aunt Grace in the hospital.

I love what Dr. David Clarke says about dating:

When you go out together on a “date,” it’s not romantic. It’s not playful. It’s not a time of fun and laughter. You’re going through the motions. It’s a good idea to go out on dates, so that’s what you’re doing. 

“We had a nice time,” you say. A date is not supposed to be a “nice time.” You have a “nice time” with your mother, or your Aunt Bertha. A real date with your spouse ought to be fun, stimulating, romantic and sensual. That’s why you got married!

2. Do something different. It could be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going to the mall and sampling new perfumes and colognes. If it’s always dinner and a movie, try a picnic dinner at the lake instead. 

3. Look your best. Just like you’d touch up your makeup before going to a party with friends, make sure you look attractive to your spouse. Be aware of your husband’s taste. (He may prefer a natural look or bright red lipstick, your hair up or your hair down.) My friend’s husband loves to see her in red. She doesn’t like red, but she does look great in it. She bought a few red blouses so she could go out with her husband … wearing red.

4. Heap him with praise. Date night is appreciation night! Spend the time complimenting your spouse about certain things he did that week. Hold his hand and cuddle up together. Be thinking about things you appreciate about your man and tell him all about it on date night. 

Which of these Hubby-dating tips encourages you to UPGRADE your relationship?

Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of 31 Days to a Happy Husband and 31 Days to a Younger You.  She has been featured on Family Life Today, The Better Show, The 700 Club, Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah, The Hour of Power, and TLC’s Home Made Simple. Arlene lives in Southern California with her husband James and three children, Ethan, Noelle, and Lucy.