8 Myths for Why Relationships Fail - Part 1

As a speaker, author, teacher and life coach, Laura Petherbridge builds bridges of hope for and has keen insight into why relationships fail. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she offers helpful tips to help all married couples “check up” on their marriages.

“After more than twenty-five years in divorce recovery ministry,” Laura says, “I’ve watched more marriages disintegrate than I can count. Why do these relationships fail?”

I (Dawn) so appreciate Laura’s willingness to reach out to those who hurt from broken relationships—often a forgotten topic in our churches. She offers help from the Word of God and her own experiences.

Laura continues . . .

Listening to people who are getting divorced has helped me to uncover some of the root causes. These aren’t the obvious signs such as an empty check book or separate bedrooms. I’m referring to the concealed explosives lurking beneath the tension and fighting. The issues hidden under the stuff we address in church such as: love types, financial stress, gender differences, communication skills, respect, and intimacy.

Because the couple, “doesn’t know-what they don’t know” they rarely recognize the undetected detonators that destroy a marriage which could have been saved.

The unique insight I’ve gleaned after years working with those divorcing propels me to help expose the hidden booby traps that often go undetected until the relationship dies.

Here are 8 myths we believe about falling in love, getting married and maintaining a relationship.

Myth #1: Leniency Is an Act of Love

Does God have any problem allowing us to suffer a consequence when we make an unwise or sinful choice? 

NO. (Disagree? Look up Adam and Eve, King David and Ananias/Sapphira.)

Then where did we get the crazy notion that loving our spouse means tolerating, ignoring, and making excuses for their harmful and sinful choices?

We certainly didn’t learn that perversion from the word from God—the Creator of Love.

He explains it clearly:

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word” (Psalm 119:67 NIV).

Suffering, not leniency, was the action that brought the Psalmist to his senses.

True love allows a spouse to suffer a consequence when they repeatedly choose an unwise, destructive pattern.

The loving response is not done in disrespect or anger but rather a compassionate attitude of, “I love you too much to let you keep doing this without a consequence.” A harsh reality often provides the catalyst and motivation necessary for the spouse to come to their senses, make changes—and thrive.

Myth #2: I Can Change My Spouse.

I’m so grateful God is patient. It took the Holy Spirit some time and consistent nudging before I finally realized I was sinning and spitting in God’s face when I attempted to change or “fix” someone else—including my spouse.

God packed my husband’s personality luggage in the way He knew was best. I needed to stop trying to change him into what I think he should be—like ME!

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart” (Jeremiah 1:5 NLT).

Myth #3:  I’m Entitled to Be Happy.

As much as I love my country, being born today in the USA comes with one significant pitfall. The land of the “free and the brave” has morphed into “I deserve to have and do whatever I want.”

As a nation we spend a lot of time focusing on our “rights” rather than our responsibilities. And this self-glorifying attitude is killing our marriages.

If there was ever a person who had the right to claim His rights—it was King Jesus! Even his trial was illegal. However, this is not His focus. He teaches us to focus on responsibility rather than rights. Loyalty lifts our head and fills us with self-respect, character, and dignity. This is the foundation that builds a healthy marriage and family.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3 NIV).

Myth #4: My Childhood and Previous Emotional Wounds Are in the Past. They Have No Effect on My Marriage.

Both the sins done to you and the sins done by you affect your marriage. Past destructive choices embed shame, fear and self-loathing. That’s why God hates sin, it shackles us to lies and darkness. And unless we confront those tormentors, and learn how they have perverted our thinking and actions, they fester.

We cannot heal and restore what we refuse to admit and acknowledge. 

Jesus forgives all sin and teaches us how to forgive others. The first step toward restoration is speaking truth and surrender.

“My father and mother walked out and left me, but GOD took me in” Psalm 27:10 (MSG).

Have you believed any of these myths so far? What is God saying to you about your marriage in relation to His truth?

In Part Two of this post, Laura will explore four more myths about relationships to help us understand why they fail.

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on singles, relationships, divorce prevention, stepfamilies and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce; The Smart Stepmom—co-authored with Ron Deal; 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom; and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Visit Laura’s website, The Smart Stepmom.

Graphic adapted, i

8 Ways to Avoid Affairs

Dr. Laurel Shaler encourages the positive intersection of faith, culture and emotional well-being. She offers wise counsel in this Marriage UPGRADE.

"Although most people have moved on from the Ashley Madison scandal, the issue of adultery is not one we should move on from,” Laurel says. “Sadly, even Christians have affairs; however, it doesn’t have to be so. There are numerous ways to prevent this from happening.”

Just this week, I (Dawn) heard about another Christian couple who find their marriage "on the rocks. Lasting, faithful marriages don't just "happen." It takes commitment to keeping vows and intentionally protecting their relationship.

Laurel continues . . . 

Most people don’t start out their marriages with an intent to cheat, but somehow they fall into this sin. Prevention is possible, with the right knowledge and effort.

With that in mind, here are some ways to help prevent extramarital affairs:

1) Before you commit a lifetime to someone, go for pre-marital counseling.

While pastoral counseling for a few sessions prior to tying the knot is excellent, most couples would greatly benefit from more in-depth counseling prior to walking down the aisle. Make sure you are compatible before marriage … don’t wait until after the honeymoon is over to discover there are traits or characteristics about your spouse that you cannot tolerate for a lifetime.

2) Once you commit, COMMIT!

 You’ve said “I do” or “I will” and you should stand by that vow. You know the saying, "Nothing worth having comes easily." A long and healthy marriage doesn’t come easily, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth your efforts.  

3) Put God first in your marriage.

Growing in your faith as a couple is critical in maintaining a strong and healthy relationship. Attend church and Bible study together. Pray together. Worship together. A strand of three cords is not easily broken!

It’s through Christ that you are really able to stand by your commitment. 

4) Attend to your marriage.

This means placing your spouse second only to God. This means nurturing your relationship. Choose your wife over football. Choose your husband over a night out with the girls.

Listen, I am not suggesting you can’t ever spend time with people or activities other than your spouse (in fact, just the opposite); however, if you are consistently placing your spouse on the backburner, your marriage will suffer. 

5) Be willing to sacrifice for your spouse.

Your marriage doesn’t have to suffer, but you may have to.

Be open to communication. Speak your spouse’s love language (see Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages). Fight fair.

What does this mean? Be willing to listen more than you speak. (That's a personal challenge for me since I naturally talk more than my husband. Ok, I talk a lot more than my husband.) Be willing to apologize when you are wrong and do so quickly. Be willing to set down your pride for the sake of your marriage.

6) Guard your heart.

Just because you are in love with the person you marry does not mean you never find anyone else attractive. When you become attracted to someone else (whether it’s their appearance, personality, similar interests, etc.), that can lead to dangerous territory.

Be very careful about placing yourself in a position that might expose you to temptation.

7) Don’t rely on your friends.

Don’t, I repeat, don’t rely on your friends to fix your marriage. Venting to your friends may feel good in the moment, but in the long run it can damage your marriage and your friendships. I am not saying you can’t speak to a trusted friend and align in prayer for your marriage, but this is completely different than bad mouthing your spouse. It’s also different from getting marriage advice from your friends, which is also not a good idea.

One good use of your friends is to have a mentor couple that you and your spouse can learn from. This should be a couple who has been married longer than you, is in a different season of their marriage than you, and has a fully committed marriage with a foundation and focus on God.

8) At the first sign of struggle, seek help.

You might start with pastoral counseling, and maybe this will be enough to get your marriage back on track, but finding a licensed therapist may be the best thing for your marriage.

Don’t allow your marital problems to become an excuse to seek comfort in the arms of another.

Our help ultimately comes from the Lord, but He has provided wisdom and knowledge to other people who can be instrumental in not helping your marriage survive, but thrive. Place your trust in Him and love your spouse with His love. Impossible to do 100% of the time, but worth the effort.

There is a lot that goes into establishing and maintaining a marriage in which both partners are fully committed to one another. In the midst of problems, cheating is never the answer.

Hebrews 13:4 commands us to “Let marriage be held in honor among all.”

Will you commit to saying no to affairs … and yes to your marriage?

Dr. Laurel Shaler is a licensed social worker and nationally certified counselor. She is a faculty member at Liberty University, and is in the process of adopting with her husband, Lt. Nicholas Shaler. Laurel can be contacted via her website.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of marcolm at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Differences Keep Marriage Interesting

In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dianne Barker opens up about her own marriage and what she and her husband learned about their “differences.”

“I tiptoed through the marriage minefield,” Dianne said, “until an epiphany changed everything.”

I (Dawn) think every marriage has a minefield, something that can explode into anger and bitterness, so I was eager to hear about Dianne’s “epiphany.”

Dianne continues . . .

Marriage is hard—for everybody. It’s that opposites attract thing.

My husband and I are as different as two people can be. He’s a perfectionist and totally focused while I tend to be disorganized and forgetful.

After checking the oil in my car, he said, “Next time you’re out, stop at the gas station and have one of the guys add a quart of oil.” A few days later he asked about the oil.

“I forgot—but I’ll get it when I’m out.” The thought never crossed my mind again.

The next week I stopped by his parents’ house, where he was working on their lawnmower. As I started to leave, he said, “Go to the gas station and get a quart of 10-W-30 oil.”

“Sure!” I said cheerily and went on my way. Two hours later he came home, agitated and snappy.

“What happened to the oil?”

“I had it put in the car.”

Given the preceding events, who would’ve thought the oil was for the lawnmower! Scowling his disapproval, he stomped out the door to take my car for a complete oil change—perfectionists don’t mix brands and weights.

Personality differences caused contention in our marriage from the beginning.

We had different perspectives about almost everything, and decision-making often ended in deadlock. To solve the matter, I’d agree to James’ decision, but struggle with lingering bitterness, feeling my opinion had received little respect.

Adding two children to the mix increased the frustration. We had to agree, even on small matters, concerning our kids. I couldn’t walk away and pout. Like a soldier in battle, I tried to dodge the minefield—issues that could prove explosive—until an epiphany changed our marriage:

Our conflicts mostly resulted from temperament differences, not malicious intent.

It’s as hard for my spouse to accept my differences as it is for me to accept his.

Although James and I had no training in conflict resolution, we had two factors in our favor. We loved the Lord and we wanted to please Him.

The epiphany led us to four choices that transformed our relationship.

1. Acceptance.

We determined to accept each other AS IS. Marriage requires living with another person’s strengths and weaknesses. Because I need God’s transforming touch, I can be patient with my husband’s imperfections. Acceptance reduces tension and builds friendship.

2. Appreciation.

Learning to appreciate our differences, we noticed the strengths of our opposite personalities actually balance and enrich our relationship. One personality isn’t superior.

God designed us with differences and brought us together to accomplish more for His kingdom than we could do alone. Verbalizing appreciation minimizes irritations and builds respect.

3. Application.

Applying Scripture to our daily walk, we practiced biblical relationship principles.

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

Extending unlimited forgiveness and unconditional love brings healing and restoration.

4. Acknowledgment.

Recognizing our contribution to the conflict or misunderstanding, we learned to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness. Christ said if we go to worship and remember someone holds an offense against us, we should go and be reconciled (Matthew 5:23-24). He didn’t mention who’s at fault.

Assuming responsibility and seeking forgiveness can nip bitterness before it takes root.

Pleasing our Lord has top priority. That takes care of many smaller issues.

What has top priority in your marriage?

Dianne Barker is a conference speaker, freelance journalist, radio host, and author of eleven books, including the 1986 best-seller Twice Pardoned. Her 2014 book, I Don’t Chase the Garbage Truck Down the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life, won the Christian Authors Network Golden Scroll third-place award for non-fiction book of the year.

This post is adapted from Help! I’m Stuck and I Can’t Get Out! The Maximum Marriage Maintenance and Repair Kit, available soon at www.diannebarker.com.

T-shirts in adapted graphic designed by daleos.net.

Upgrade Your Integrity

Pam Farrel is on a mission to help people grow with God’s truth and godly wisdom. In this Character UPGRADE, she focuses on the priority of integrity.

“Sin leaves a wake,” Pam says. “Behind every selfish action is a sea of hurt and pain.”

My (Dawn's) husband used to say, "It's not a matter of whether we're selfish, but rather how selfish we are." Selfishness can erode the strongest marriage!

Pam continues . . .

Bill and I are known as relationship specialists; experts on love and romance. This means is we need to live out our love! We need to make every effort to get along, work through issues, and give plenty of mercy and grace to protect our marriage.

Because our love—and yours—is about living and leaving a family legacy.

Protect Love and Legacy: the Bible tells us this is a priority:

“Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough? Clean out the old leaven so that you may be a new lump...” (1 Corinthians 5:6-7).

“Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

The “A Priority” is to guard our life and protect the gift of love God gave.

God will bless your choice to keep your vows:

“He who walks in integrity walks securely…” (Proverbs 10:9).

“He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity” (Proverbs 2:7).

“For the Lord is righteous, He loves righteousness; The upright will behold His face” (Psalm 11:7).

 “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11).

In my newest book, 7 Simple Skills for Every Woman: Success in Keeping It Together, I share that on my desk are several items to remind me that it pays to walk in integrity.

On my desk you’d find:

1. Photos of me with Bill as well as photos of our children, grandchildren, mentees, parents—all those whose lives I would undermine if I cheated on my vows.

2. A compass given to me by a wise mentor in leadership who said, “Let God’s voice be your compass”

3. All my Bibles. Looking at God’s Word all day, every day, reminds me to be in it—and to let it impact the way I live.

4. A barnacle attached to a stone as a reminder that a barnacle cannot live apart from the stone just as I cannot survive apart from Christ, the Rock of my Salvation.

5. A frame with verses about living with integrity visible on the front, and stories of the harmful wake others left when they wandered from Christ and His plan for committed love.

6. A heart paper weight to remind me to have a whole heart for God.

7. A figurine with an umbrella on it, reminding me that life is best when lived under what I call “God’s umbrella of blessing.”

“For it is You who blesses the righteous man, O Lord, You surround him with favor as with a shield” (Psalms 5:12).

8. A turtle, because if you see a turtle on a fence post you should ask, “How did that turtle get there?

Turtles can’t climb, so someone placed the turtle on high. In the same way, God gave each of us a legacy, a platform, so God can take us down a few notches—or elevate and bless us—depending on our choices. 

“Be humble in the Lord’s presence, and he will honor you” (James 4:10).

Integrity may not be easy—but it can be SIMPLE. Guard your heart, your life, your love and your legacy.

What will you place on your desk to remind you that “those that honor God, God honors”? (1 Samuel 2:30) 

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill, are international speakers and authors of 40 books including their two newest: 7 Simple Skills for Every Woman and 7 Simple Skills for Every Man, each designed to help a person, using simple skills, to create a life that he/she will love to live, and a way to love those in his/her life. Find them at www.Love-Wise.com, where they are helping people in all their most vital relationships by intersecting God’s wisdom with people’s desire to be loving. 

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of usamedeniz at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

The Enemy in Your House

All too often wives treat their husbands like the enemy, but they've got it all wrong! In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson considers the real enemy in so many homes.

"Our real enemy is not our spouse, as much as it might feel that way," Leslie Vernick wrote in How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.* "Our enemy is Satan and the evil he stands for."

Whether it feels like all hell is breaking loose or we're simply "ticked off" at our spouse's rude or insensitive behavior, it helps to remember there's more at stake then just "us two."

Satan delights in ruining relationships, especially when that relationship is supposed to picture the beauty of Christ and His Church (Ephesians 5:22-32).

Satan is an evil destroyer; he prowls around, trying to devour us as we follow Jesus (1 Peter 5:8). The devil hates what God loves and loves what God hates.

Satan hates a loving, God-honoring marriage.

And he's so tricky, so subtle. Here are some of His tactics:

1. The Father of Lies blinds us to the truth (John 8:44).

Every marriage partner has blind spots, and Satan wants to keep us in the dark about our weaknesses, pet sins, and how we can hurt our spouse. He loves it when we believe lies about our marriage.

2. He suggests evil thoughts and motives. (Examples of how he works: John 13:2; Acts 5:3)

This is why it is so crucial to stay in the scriptures, to be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2) so we recognize evil.

3. He promotes disunity, bitterness and an unforgiving spirit (James 3:14-15; Ephesians 4:26-27).

He wants us to focus on our partner's short-comings and forget our own. He loves it when we hold grudges and speak angry, bitter words, forgetting how much we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32).

4. He tempts us to be sexually immoral (1 Corinthians 7:1-5).

Whether through impure thoughts, or immoral temptations like pornography and adultery, Satan looks for a "foothold" or opportunity (Ephesians 4:27) in every marriage.

The Devil's agenda is simple: Total Destruction! And he is cunning; he doesn't want us to understand he's in the middle of the messes in our relationships.

As Leslie Vernick wrote,

"His tactics always involve sin, and so we often end up fighting each other instead of our real enemy.

"When we react sinfully to our spouse's wrongs, Satan wins. He accomplishes his goal—to destroy our homes and our lives, not to mention our witness for Christ."

And we can't afford to be passive about this, because Satan's attacks are relentless.

So, how can you and I deal with the real enemy in our homes? We can:

• Seek the Lord in His Word and in prayer. God's divine power can "demolish strongholds" (2 Corinthians 10:4) in our marriages.
• Submit our life and marriage to God (James 4:7a).
• Resist the enemy (James 4:7b).
• Wise up! Become more alert to Satan's tricks (2 Corinthians 2:11) in our life and marriage.
• Arm ourselves against the devil's wicked strategies (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Let me get personal.

If you're married, it's not all about you. It's not even about the two of you!

It's about the glory of God. It's about preserving the sanctity of marriage. It's about you and your partner's spiritual health. It's about a watching world. And if you have children, it's about leaving them a strong legacy.

On this last point, one of my sons once told me he is motivated to keep working on his marriage because of the examples he's seen in our and his grandparents' marriages, and other godly marriages in our extended family. Fighting the battle for marriage is so crucial for those coming after us.

What is your biggest struggle with your spouse? Do you understand who the real enemy is in your house?

 Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is the President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego). Dawn is the co-author of LOL with God and contributed "The Blessing Basket" in It's a God Thing. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

* NOTE: I recommend Leslie's book to every married woman: How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (Waterbook Press, 2001). Quotes: pp. 66-68.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.