Know the Marriage Code?

Pam Farrel knows how to encourage women (and her husband likewise encourages men). In this Marriage UPGRADE, Pam explains the "marriage code," and how understanding and applying it can transform marriage relationships.

"Codes are all around us and you need one to access just about everything that is important or sensitive," Pam says. "So, what is 'the marriage code'?"

I (Dawn) learned about this code—though I didn't call it that—at the beginning of my marriage. I can testify that the code God designed is a blessing, because it provides a healthy framework and perspective on this vital relationship.

Pam continues . . .  

What are the keys that unlock the potential in your love? They are found in Ephesians 5:33:

… each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Did you notice different commands are given to the husband and the wife?

The obvious question is, “Why?”

Why not just give general instructions that apply to both husbands and wives?

In our book, The Marriage Code, we point out there are diverse passwords that grant you access to the best parts of your relationship.

When this code is in place, your relationship appears to be relatively easy. The way you interact, love, argue, and make decisions is satisfying for you as a couple.

When the code is missing, all the systems of your relationship are awkward, your love for each other is elusive, and you seem to disagree on just about everything.

The marriage code is based on the most common needs that men and women have.

When you meet the key need in your mate’s heart, you move above the “line of trust” in your marriage, where life and love is sweet and satisfying.

However, you are very different from one another, and you have different needs at the core of who you are.

HER Code

The password that will give a man access to his wife’s heart is: Security.

Security is the priority core need in a woman’s life. Because of hormones, a woman’s life is always changing. A husband wins at love when he makes it his ambition to meet his wife’s security need first in all things.

Any time she gets the message from him, “You are safe with me, and it is alright to be who you are right now,” her heart is drawn toward him and she relaxes in the relationship.

HIS Code

The password that will give a woman access to her husband’s heart is: Success.

She does this when she makes it her ambition to create an environment where her husband can succeed at work, with the kids, at church, in the community—and especially with her! 

Any time he gets the message from her, “I love the way you live, and I love the way you love me,” his heart is drawn toward her and he gains confidence in the relationship.

Your Marriage MEET UP

For over 40 years, Bill and I have had a weekly Marriage Meet Up.

• This regular meeting keeps us pulling in the same direction together.
• It also helps us stay connected emotionally and spiritually.

The Meet Ups keep the A.H.A. in our relationship.

1. A - Attitudes

We begin and end with prayer and scripture, so the Holy Spirit has room to work on us on as individuals and as a couple.  

2. H - Habits

The weekly Marriage Meet Ups include practical routines of matching calendars, talking through financials, tasks, To Do lists, and dividing up responsibilities.

3. A - Affection

We bookend the marriage meet ups with compliments and affirmations.

We thank each other for something we are grateful for in the past week, and at the end we affirm one another and speak life-giving affirmations on a trait or action we saw expressed in the meeting.

When you apply the Marriage Code, your weekly Marriage Meet Ups will go smoother if he enters feeling successful and she enters feeling secure.

Cozy up and make a date where you each finish these sentences:

Husband to the wife:

Honey, the things you say and do that help me feel most successful are . . . 

Wife to the husband:

Honey, the things you say and do that make me feel most secure are . . . 

Keep the A.H.A. in YOUR marriage!

What day and time can you and your mate meet up each week?

Pam Farrel is an international speaker, relationship expert, and the author of more than 50 books including their newest, Marriage Meet Ups: A His and Her set, 52 week devotional planner for couples that want purpose, passion and productivity. To go into the meet up happier,  download your free copy of Infectious Joy! Pam and her husband, Bill, Co-Direct Love-Wise Ministries. They invite you to become a member of the Living Love-Wise Community.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Maura Barbulescu at Pixabay.

Photo of Bill and Pam by Rebecca Friedlander.

Home Run Happiness — Upgrade Your Joy

Pam Farrel is a "Joy Girl!" Her motto, "Choosing Joy," isn't just a casual mantra for a happy life; it's biblical wisdom for a joy-filled, God-honoring life. In this Attitudes UPGRADE, she shares a super-practical way to add more joy to our lives.

"We are the fulltime caregivers for my aging in-laws," Pam says. "My father-in-law loves Dodger baseball, and right now—due to the pandemic—there is no baseball. So he is not a happy camper."

I (Dawn) think it's hard enough being a caregiver in "regular" times, but it's extra hard during a pandemic! But Pam and her husband Bill found a way to spread some joy.

Pam continues . . .

My father-in-law was set to celebrate his 91^st birthday while we were all “sheltering at home,” and we could feel his depression rising. I began to pray for a creative idea to lift his spirits, and one morning I woke with a simple idea.

We decided we needed to help him cultivate some joy, so we arranged a family zoom virtual gathering, we all wore baseball caps, sang “Take me out to the ballgame,” gave him peanuts and cracker jacks—and, of course, his favorite meal complete with birthday cake.  

It was a homerun hit!

Sometimes in our lives, the circumstances are so stressful or uncommonly difficult that normal happiness feels hard to come by. In these trying times, we must pro-actively cultivate our joy.

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy (Psalm 94:19).

As the wave of Covid-19 spreads, fear spreads with it. So how do we move from being anxious (being tormented by a multitude of disquieting thoughts) to the place of God’s consolation (His comfort) that brings us to a place of joy and delight and, with it, the ability to smile again?  

Like in baseball, run the bases!

FIRST BASE: Study Joy

Rejoice in the Lord always: and again, I say, Rejoice (Philippians 4:4).

It is a CHOICE to REJOICE!

Let’s look a little deeper at the meaning of the key words of this verse:

• Rejoice: (verb) be glad, joyful, favorably disposed to grace, lean in, thrive, calm delight.
• Always: at ALL times—this means you are not joyful about trials, but joyful in the midst of the trials. 
  
• Again: meaning once more, just a little further. (It might feel overwhelming to picture yourself being happy or joyful for the long haul, and God recognizes this, so the word “again” shows it is a moment-by-moment decision to "choose joy.")
• Say: meaning to tell, call, lay to rest. (The term "lay to rest" reflects the wise choice to pre-decide: I will be a person who trusts God and walks in faith, not fear. The result will be the ability to  "choose joy!" )
• In the LORD: This is committing EVERYTHING to our Master Creator who exercises absolute ownership rights. In other words, giving over whatever circumstance is robbing our joy to our Abba Father in Heaven who is the ONLY ONE who has the power to really move on our behalf.

SECOND BASE: Speak Joy

In my own life, there was an avalanche of bad news, difficult circumstances and a host of trials and tribulations that hit our life—all at once. You can read a condensed story of how God taught me to say—and live out—the "Choosing Joy!" motto.

Recently, while writing Discovering Joy in Philippians, as I studied the word joy (chairo) in the New Testament, I realized two vital truths.

1. God uses this word more than 70 times in the New Testament. So joy is important to God!
2. Of all the definitions of joy, the one that resonated most to me was "calm delight."

When you feel stress or anxiety rising in you or others, you can simply push pause and ask God, "What would calm me? Calm the situation? Calm others?" and "What would bring delight to me? To the circumstance? To others?"

Praying for, and then exercising calm delight can radically lower your stress!  

THIRD BASE: Schedule Joy

While talking with my friend who works helping First Responders with PTSD, I learned that when you suffer trauma, all the world seems to turn from vibrant color and happiness to a washed out grey.

This conversation inspired me to create a JOY BLOSSOM coloring sheet to help those who are discouraged reclaim joy.

It begins with listing 30 things that have brought you joy in the past. Think simple: sunshine on your face, standing barefoot in the grass or sand, etc. Write one joy on each leaf or petal.

Then schedule one joy moment into your life each day!

For an additional boost, color the joy blossom. Your brain will focus on staying in the lines while you color, and it will be a reprieve from thinking about problems! This lowers stress and boosts your immunity for better health—mentally and physically) 

HOME PLATE: Sketch Joy

I enjoy Bible Art. It helps me memorize and meditate on God’s truths. For what I call a Sabbath Selah (or a pause to ponder God’s goodness), I will often turn on Christian music, which also soothes the soul, and then I spend a few hours studying, creating faith-based art in my Art Bible or in my JOY JOURNAL where I include quotes and verses on joy.  

When the Coronavirus hit, I decided that perhaps my life patterns of study, speaking, scheduling and sketching joy might breath joy into others, so I penned an eBook, Infectious Joy,  that includes 30 days of joy verses, simple art to accompany it, and a space to write or draw to capture and cultivate joy.

Infectious Joy is designed to help all who read it process the powerful truths from God’s heart to create positivity and a JOY that OVERCOMES circumstances. (I invite you to print out Infectious Joy and take it to a quiet spot in the fresh air and LEAVE your tech devices behind.)

It is my hope and prayer that running these four bases to happiness will help you become a person of Infectious Joy who is a life-giver of joy, peace, calm and positivity to those around you.

Who needs a little more joy from you today?

Pam Farrel is an international speaker, relationship expert, author of 50 books including ones featuring joy: Discovering Joy in Philippians: A Creative Bible Study Experience, 10 Secrets of Living Strong, Smart and Savvy or 7 Simple Skills for Every Woman: Success In Keeping It All Together. Download your free copy of Infectious Joy and tell others about it too—become contagious with joy! Pam and her husband, Bill, Co-Direct Love-Wise ministries. They invite you to become a member of the Living Love-Wise Community.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pixabay.

Plan for Lasting Love

Pam Farrel is a relationship specialist, and she knows the power of making wise and godly choices that enhance relationships. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she says we need a plan if we want love in our  marriage relationship to last.

"A lasting love isn’t a happenstance," Pam says, "rather couples who gain long lasting love all made ONE vital decision: they DECIDED they wanted a long-lasting love! Love is a choice!"

I (Dawn) believe in making powerful choices! And a good place to start, right after our choice to receive  Jesus as our Savior, is in our closest human relationship.

Pam continues . . .

We recently celebrated our 40^th anniversary. As a gift, our grown sons and daughter in laws, along with our five grandchildren, all contributed to a book they wrote, 40 Reasons We Value Your Lasting Love.

Here are a few of our favorites parts from that book—along with four vital choices we've made in our marriage.

You too can gain a lasting lifetime love! Here is how.

1. Sit Face 2 Face

"We love because He (God) first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

This verse was inscribed on our wedding gifts to each other. We knew going in, we would only succeed at long lasting love only if God was kept front and center as the glue to hold us together.

One of the less glamourous but most vital choices we made early in our marriage was to create a Marriage & Family Compass.

This includes:

(1) Marriage/Family Mission Statement

We penned ours about two years into our marriage, inspired by a marriage conference for seminary students lead by Dr. Norman T. Wright.

(2) Marriage/ Family Motto

We wanted a short phrase like you’d see on a coffee mug or T-shirt. Ours is, “Those who honor God, God honors”—based on 1 Samuel 2:30.

(3) Marriage/Family Moniker

This is a family crest. Ours has three L’s that stand for Leaner, Leader, who Loves God (what we prayed our children would grow into); plus two hearts that stand for Farrels keep their promises, especially in marriage; and a cross with a star symbolizing that when you have a vibrant relationship with God, He ignites the God-given passion inside and you “let your light shine” for Him.

We also made a commitment to have a weekly “Monday Morning Marriage Meeting” where we pray, then discuss things like money/finances, calendar items, work and family; and we delegate tasks, make decisions together, etc. In other words, we tackle the important "biz issues" of a marriage. 

The Marriage Meet Up and the Family Compass were vital, because we both came from very dysfunctional, chaotic homes. We needed to be proactive and positive.

We saw the fruit of this in the book our family gave us on our 40th anniversary.

• "You love each other—quirks and all"
• "You model healthy communication, aka conflict resolution and forgiveness."
• "Tenacity! We will make it through anything TOGETHER!"
  

2. Walk Hand 2 Hand

"I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well" (3 John 1:2).

An obvious tip on gaining a long-lasting love is: You must live longer and stronger by treating your body (and your mate’s body) as “a temple of the Holy Spirit”  (1 Corinthians 6:19).

Because we were both athletes when we met at age 19, and married at age 20, keeping active is a part of our love life.

We have always enjoyed a daily prayer walk, hand in hand.

We have supported each other’s exercise pursuits, but the real key is finding some activities you BOTH enjoy doing together.

Some of our favorites are kayaking, paddle boarding, jet skiing, biking, swimming and dancing under the stars—or while waiting for an elevator!

• "You two are not afraid to take risks, as long as you are doing it together."
• "You love going on adventures together—you see life as an adventure."
• "You always take time for date nights."

3. Hug Heart 2 Heart  

"I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go…" (Song of Songs 3:4).

We have cultivated romance. We kiss each other EVERY TIME we say grace.

We put weekly date nights, a monthly day away, and twice-a-year overnight getaways on our calendar FIRST! We even schedule “Red Hot Monogamy!” 

• "You are each other’s biggest fans."
• "As a kid growing up, you modeled for us vulnerability, forgiveness, grace, pure love, joy and commitment."
• "You both love waffles and spaghetti."

4. Bow Knee 2 Knee

"You will pray to him, and he will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows" (Job 22:27).

Prayer was a part of our relationship from the first moment Bill first asked me out on our first date!

We pray for one another and with one another.

We pray, hug and kiss, when we greet and when we depart from each other.

We pray over meals, over decisions, over family and friends, and over our failures and frailties. We wrap up in each other’s arms each night and pray and thank God for each other and one more day together.

• "You guys have defied the odds and have a HEALTHY marriage."
• "You have completely changed the legacy of our family."
• "You model a chord of three strands is not easily broken."

Do you have hopes and dreams for your marriage?

I remember a drive together as a newly-engaged couple when one of us said, “We are years away from starting a family, but what will we want our kids to say about us on our 25th or 50th wedding anniversary?”

We made a verbal list, then we prayed and asked God to fulfill those hearts desires.

And He is!  

What new habits or activities do you want to add into your marriage or your family to secure the future God longs to give you?

Pam Farrel is a cheerleader for women everywhere! Bill and Pam Farrel are international speakers, relationship specialists, and authors of more than 50 books including the bestselling: Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti; 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make (which explains how couples can create their own Family Compass: Mission, Motto, Moniker); Red Hot Monogamy (with more than 200 romance ideas). Their newest book is Marriage Meet Ups: A Planner for Couples Who Want a Productive, Passionate and Purposeful Life (to be released the end of January 2020). Discover more about Pam or the Farrels' ministry at  www.Love-Wise.com

Joy, the Key to Peace

Pam Farrel knows more about joy because she's made it a focused choice in her life. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she encourages us to discover more peace as we pursue biblical joy.

"We live in a world where people are struggling with stress and discouragement," Pam says. "In a recent, Fox News poll, 65% say they are stressed daily and 52% of Americans say they are worried daily."

I (Dawn) see this stress and discouragment all the time. There is little peace in our world. But Pam says joy is the key to peace!

Pam continues . . . 

The good news is, researchers who wrote for Time magazine’s The Science of Happiness say that happiness is made of from 50% DNA, 10%Circumstances, and 40% CHOICES we make.

“We make our choices and our choices make us!” That's a mantra that those in my world have heard my husband, Bill, and I say for several decades.

During one particularly challenging and strenuous circumstance in my life when EVERYTHING seemed to be unraveling, my friends kindly reached out and inquired about my wellbeing.

I didn’t know how to answer them. The answer was too personal, too long and too depressing, so I prayed and asked God, "How do I answer?”

The Holy spirit impressed a question on my heart, “Pam, what kind of person do you want to be?”

“Lord I want to be the kind of person that can choose joy no matter what life sends my way. Your Word in Neh. 8:10 says “The joy of the Lord is my strength” and this family needs strength, so I choose You, Jesus, I choose joy!”

From that point on, when people ask, “How are you doing?” my answer has been, “Choosing joy!”       

Yes, our life is the sum of our choices and God’s loving sovereignty.     

In Discovering Joy in Philippians: A Creative Bible Study Experience, I share a word study where I add the synonyms to help define the key words in this verse with a vital key choice:

The choice to rejoice! 

REJOICE (lean in and delight in God’s grace) at ALL times, I repeat, REJOICE (choose to be glad and joyful because of ALL God gives us!) (Philippians 4:4).

God graciously gives the “how to” rejoice in Phil 4:6-9—

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

God doesn’t want us to be anxious (worried and loaded down with cares). The solution He provides can be illustrated as a word picture of wrapping a gift into a gift bag:  

Think of your cares and anxieties (your “supplication”) that you desire God to answer, as the gift; wrap them in the tissue paper of prayer, which Strong’s concordance explains is “to interact with the Lord by switching human wishes for His wishes....”

Drop your cares in the gift bag of thanksgiving, gratefully thanking God by faith for what He will deliver as an answer for your eternal good and His Eternal Glory.

As we ask, request and petition God, the confidence comes in believing you are giving this “gift” to the ONLY ONE who has the REAL POWER to answer—The Almighty GOD!   

And as we make this transaction, God gives us a gift back—peace (harmony, tranquility and sense of security) that is beyond comprehension! And that IS a great reason to REJOICE!

TRY THIS EXERCISE to apply this illustration to your life today:

• Imagine your greatest stress is placed into your right hand, wrap your fingers around this anxiety.
• Now lift it heavenward; open your fingers and picture presenting it at the foot of the throne of heaven.
• Leave your care there, but keep your hand open.
• Now, think of a name of God that would be best to hang your heart on to find hope, joy and peace. If you struggle to pick which trait, choose the name or trait of God that would be opposite of your stress. For example, if you care is your anxiety, trade it for the peace of God.
• Follow up by looking up verses about God being peace and giving peace.
• Then string your favorite verses together, put your name in the series and personalize God’s Word to your life.

Remember: Joy is the Key to Peace.

How can you apply this scripture to your life today? "Rejoice in the Lord always; again, I will say, rejoice" (Philippians 4:4).

Pam Farrel is an international speaker, relationship expert, and author of 48 books including her newest, Discovering Joy in Philippians: A Creative Bible Study Experience. She and her husband, Bill, co-direct Love-Wise ministries.

Graphic of key, courtesy of Pixabay.

Joy: The Key to Unlocking Love for Your Relationships

Pam Farrel, relationship specialist, is always on the lookout for Word-based insights to encourage stronger, healthier relationships to the glory of God. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she shares a special “key” to unlocking greater love.

“Love and joy are intricately connected—like a hook and eye, peanut butter and jelly, salt and pepper, or keys of ebony and ivory,” Pam says.

“Love and joy pour into each other until our life plays the beautiful melody of happiness God intends for each of us.”

I (Dawn) think this is a truly special insight. We tend to only think about love in relationships, but link that to sincere joy and an amazing thing happens. Love blooms.

Pam continues . . .

Mother Teresa said, “A joyful heart is the normal result of a heart burning with love."

And Mark Twain believed, “To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”  

During the last year, while writing Discovering Joy in Philippians, I pondered how joy positively impacts a person’s life and relationships.

Most people see Philippians as primarily a book about joy, but as I plunged a bit deeper, I easily saw some relationship best practices revealed in this short, but powerful book of the Bible.

One of the keys to unlocking health in relationships and producing more joy is revealed in a simple equation:

The more of the Word in you, the more love and joy in you AND the more love and joy you will have spill out into your relationships.

Here’s how the Word empowers us to have healthier and happier relationships.

1. Wash In the Word

To keep my attitude positive and to stay more attuned in all my relationships, I like to integrate various study techniques so the Word washes over and through me, delivering positive life improvement.

One way to gain a new mindset is to allow God’s Word to play the soundtrack to your life.

You can do this in the daytime by layering God’s Word throughout your day:

• Play Christian music,
• Post verses,
• Hang scripture art,
• And place devotionals and Bible studies throughout your home.

At any time, the transformative Word is in sight and within earshot. 

While writing Discovering Joy In Philippians—and in the next year, now that I am teaching it online—I fall asleep to the audio version of Philippians, or a play list with worship songs about joy.

By listening to God’s Word, my fears are calmed, I am infused with joy and courage, and my heart is refined.  

2. Walk Out the Word

This priority on relationships is reflected in the letter of Philippians:

“I thank my God in all my remembrance of you” (1:3).

People can tell when you feel thankful and appreciative of them.

We want to live in such a way that when people recall us, or someone even mentions our name, they light up with praise and delight.

Also, by thanking God for someone, our “attitude of gratitude” builds a sense of deeper respect, honor and gratefulness toward the person. 

“always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy” (1:4).

Praying for someone is one of the greatest gifts you can give to a person.

Knowing someone is praying for you, with JOY, draws us to people because they express gladness and sincere excitement when they see us. 

“It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace…”  (1:7).

My husband, Bill, and I use this verse as the theme to our book, The Marriage Code. We love how God gives the goal of living as “partakers of grace”, then He shares HOW to do that: “hold you in my heart.”

This means we choose to NOT make a relationship about a list of behaviors.

To “hold on your heart” means carrying someone with constant love while giving the benefit of the doubt to their intentions.

When a relationship is based only on behaviors, NO ONE can stay good enough, long enough to succeed at a relationship.

Love gives the grace that trumps human imperfection.

“And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment” (1:9).

3. Wade into the Word

Another way to gain a fresh appreciation of a verse and how to apply it is to read it in a few translations or paraphrased versions. 

I appreciate the expanded vocabulary definitions included in verses 9 and 10 in the Amplified version:

“And this I pray, that your love may abound more and more [displaying itself in greater depth] in real knowledge and in practical insight, so that you may learn to recognize and treasure what is excellent [identifying the best, and distinguishing moral differences], and that you may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ [actually living lives that lead others away from sin]” (1:9-10, emphasis mine).

I also cherish these verses in The Message as it is a wholesome challenge for how to live out love and joy to positively impact relationships:

“So, this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of…” (again, emphasis mine).

As we wade deeper into the Word, we can often gain fresh insights and anticipate God working. 

Are joy and love overflowing out of your heart and into your relationships? Of the ideas shared in this blog on how to process the Word to raise the quality of what you have available to pour into your relationships, which idea can you begin with to have to biggest positive impact?

Pam Farrel is the author of 46 books including many bestsellers like: Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti and Discovering Hope in the Psalms: A Creative Bible Study Experience .  She also enjoys co-authoring with Jean E. Jones and artist Karla Dornacher, and their next book, Discovering Joy In Philippians: A Creative Bible Devotional Experience , releases May 2019. Pam also loves mentoring and coaching women online; and she and her husband, Bill, stay active speaking and writing on marriage, family, relationships and on Living Love-Wise.  

Graphic of graffiti wall adapted, courtesy of Angela Yuriko Smith at Pixabay.