5 Tips to Building Resilience in Children

Morgan Farr continues to challenge us with her positive, biblical, life-motivating posts. In this Parenting UPGRADE, she shares five ways to build resilience in children—but parents may find they need to build their own resilience first!

"In the chaos that has happened in the last year, resilience has been an essential part of our family dynamic," Morgan says. "Being able to adjust quickly and easily with small children is no easy feat!"

I (Dawn) think resilience is something I learned as a "Navy brat," so I totally agree with everything Morgan shares here. I was blessed to learn resilience, though—unlike Morgan—I didn't always appreciate what God used to teach me this character quality.

Morgan continues . . .

We are a military family. My husband is a veterinarian in the Army. That means we are built on resilience. We have to be, because with the military, you have no idea what they are going to throw at you or when it might happen.

Resilience is defined in the Oxford English dictionary as the ability to recover quickly from difficulties, or toughness.

For military families, that could mean a surprise TDY—temporary duty travel—and extended deployment, or finding out you are PCSing (getting a permanent change of station) a year early. 

None of it rattles us because we are resilient.

In the last year, we have had our resiliency put to the test with COVID-19 and the shutdowns.

Here are my "5 Tips to Building Resilience in Children" that have helped us cope through these unprecedented times.

1. Let them see you WORK.

Children need to see that everything they have comes from the hard work of their parents.

Whether it is the money coming in to purchase things or the chores done to keep the home running, everything has a cost.

Don’t be afraid to include children in CHORES—basic chores for younger kids and more complicated chores for older children.

This helps kids to learn to work hard and be appreciative of the things they have. It also helps to prevent entitlement.

2. Let them see you PLAY.

Children are not meant to be little adults. They are unique individual little beings that have to learn how to exist in this world.

Children learn best through play.

• Let them get dirty.
• Let them explore nature.
• Let them splash in puddles.
• Let them be children.

Then, join in and show them that having fun and enjoying the life that God has blessed you with is a good thing.

3. Let them see you SUCCEED.

Do you have goals you want to achieve? Share them with your kids.

For example, I wanted to run a 5k after my daughter was born. The kids were much more understanding when I wanted to jump on the treadmill when they understood I was working towards a goal.

They also got to see that not everything happens as soon as you want it to!

Tell them about your goals and why you set them.

Let them watch what it looks like to work hard and succeed at something that isn’t easy.

4. Let them see you FAIL.

I set a goal this year to be able to do double-unders—a move with a jump rope when a person needs to jump up higher than usual while swinging the rope twice under his or her feet.

My legs are torn up, and it hurts to miss with a jump rope.

It has been a humbling experience to keep failing at this goal.

My kids have been watching me try again and again to get this movement.

I have 9 months left in 2021. How much will they learn about not giving up before I get this down? 

5. Let them see you ON YOUR KNEES.

Big win this week? Praise God! Major failure? Praise God!

Whether in success or failure, show your children that you praise the Lord.

Let them see that you don’t just go to God when you have a problem, but also when you win.

Show them that absolutely everything you are is due to the mercy of God.

As a bonus tip, I challenge you to memorize 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 which says,

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Then teach it to your children.

When the good or the bad happens, recite this verse and praise God for His infinite mercies!

How can you help your children be resilient this week?

Morgan Farr is a Texas-loving, succulent-cultivating, book nerd and aspiring author. Stationed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, this Army wife is learning to train dogs, developing her four young children, and tackling homeschool life… while moving all over the country. You can find more of Morgan’s thoughts on her blog.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Wokadapix at Pixabay.

Cut Out the Hypocrisy

Morgan Farr is a rare voice for God in the culture, calling Christians to actually live out the truth they believe. In this Parenting UPGRADE, she addresses the problem of hypocrisy in parenting—not to shame parents, but to encourage them to do what is right not only for their children's sake, but also in obedience to the Lord.

"I have heard it said that character is caught, not taught," Morgan said. "I want my children to 'catch' from me not only a love of Jesus, but also a fear of the Lord."

I (Dawn) could not agree more. Parents make many mistakes—I certainly made my share. The biggest regret I have in my parenting is that I didn't model better the things I believe most. I trusted others to do that for me—Sunday school teachers, Church leaders, Christian friends, etc.

I shared Gospel truth, but often projected a "do as I say, not as I do" livestyle. It was a lost opportunity to influence them for God.

Morgan's call to cut out hypocrisy is rare in today's culture—even Christian culture.

Morgan continues . . . 

If that adage—"Character is caught, not taught"—is true, Christian parents should have the market on grounded, righteous, and well-behaved children who stay in church and don’t waver in their faith, right? 

WRONG! 

According to a 2019 survey, two thirds of church-going young adults leave the church between ages 18 and 22! 

One of the main reasons listed that young people are leaving the church? HYPOCRISY!

As a millennial, I can tell you from conversations with my own friends and family that this is pretty accurate. It breaks my heart.

The family is supposed to be a microcosm of Christian faith.

The father and mother represent the dual facets of God, each having strengths and weaknesses that help to point children to Christ. 

John Wesley—the preacher who founded the Methodist denomination—said, “I learned more about Christianity from my mother than from all the theologians in England.”

Wow. 

I decided to poll my social media connections to get an idea about the main areas where hypocrisy is hurting the Christian family. The three main topics were pornography, debt, and reading the Bible.

Three Ways to Cut Hypocrisy Out of Parenting

1. Dealing with Pornography—Rethinking Priorities

Pornography is a word that makes a lot of people uncomfortable, but it is a topic that must be discussed. 

The statistics about porn in the church are staggering.

• 68% of church-going men view pornography on a regular basis
• 50% of pastors view porn on a regular basis.
• 76% of Christian adults 18-24 years old actively search for porn
• 55% of married men and 25% of married women watch porn at least once a month

All of this while we (rightly) teach our youth to abstain from premarital sex and to enjoy the marriage bed! 

Now before you say, “Morgan, I NEVER watch porn!” — let me ask you, do you watch Game of Thrones? How about Grey’s Anatomy? Friends? The Office? What about the movies you watch and the books that you read? 

This is often where people say, “But that isn’t porn!” 

To which I say, "Nonsense."

Matthew 5:27-18 (MSG) says,

“You know the next commandment pretty well, too: ‘Don’t go to bed with another’s spouse.’ But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.” 

We cannot watch shows, read books, and play video games with titillating material and then espouse the virtues of waiting for marriage or remaining faithful in a marriage.

We need to take a step back and rethink our priorities here.

What is more important? Watching that show or teaching our children Christ-like discernment?

2. Conquering Debt—Leading by Example

The Bible teaches us not to have debt—but 80% of Americans are in debt!

Did you know the BIble has more than 2,000 verses dedicated to the topic of money? 

God cares a GREAT deal about how we handle our finances, and yet many Christian families lack a budget or solid financial plans to be able to manage the money God has given them. 

If we are going to teach and instruct our children in matters of finances, we need to take the log our of our own eyes and lead by example. 

There are amazing Christian financial resources to help us get back on track. (For recommendations, don’t hesitate to reach out!)

3. Reading the Bible—Showing Its Importance

How could reading the Bible possibly be considered hypocritical to our children? 

If we don’t actually do it. 

Lifeway conducted a survey in 2017 that showed that 36% of Protestants read their BIble every single day. Only 20% had read the Bible all the way through. 

How can we tell our children to love Jesus and fear the Lord if we aren’t doing that ourselves?

It is crucial as parents to be in the Word—not just so our children will learn but so that we will learn as well. 

Do you know what parenting takes? 

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Do you know how to get those? Galatians 5 tells us those qualities are the fruit of the Holy Spirit. In order to learn these things and have them be an integral part of our parenting, we have to be in our Bible daily. 

SHOWING Jesus to Our Children

Finally, in our interactions during the day, we must show Jesus to our children.

• When we are on a walk in the neighborhood, we can talk about the creativity of God in how He designed nature.
• When a friend is ill, we can stop and pray for them.
• When there is political unrest, we can pray with our children for our country's leadership.
• We can let our children see us worship the almighty God in many ways.
  

We must show our children that loving Jesus and fearing the Lord is a relationship, NOT A SHOW for Sundays. 

What do you want your children to “catch” from you? 

Morgan Farr is a Texas-loving, succulent-cultivating, book nerd. Stationed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, this Army wife is learning to train dogs, developing her four young children, and tackling homeschool life… while moving all over the country. Morgan writes about her transition away from feminism and much more at The Forgiven Former Feminist.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Gerd Altmann at Pixabay.

Upgrade Your Motherhood: Learn to Be a Mama Bear

Morgan Farr totally impressed me when I first talked to her, and then when I met her—I knew she was a special servant of God. What I noticed most was her deep desire to raise children to bring honor to the Lord. In this Parenting UPGRADE, she encourages mothers to intentionally become Mama Bears.

"There is a real enemy out there on the prowl, looking for souls to devour," Morgan says. "Learning to be a Mama Bear means being ready to protect and defend your cubs."

I (Dawn) remember when a previous candidate for Vice President of the United States called herself a "mama grizzly." During her campaign, she wanted to blend her femininity with tough strength. That's what moms are called to do today, I think—and Morgan clearly thinks so too!

Morgan continues . . . 

When I was getting ready to move from North Carolina to California, I was a bit of a wreck. Two days before I left town, a friend of mine stopped by and gave me a goodbye gift which contained chocolate, Dr. Pepper and a hat.

The hat had a bear on it with the word “Mama” scrawled across it.

Each gift had a purpose:

• The Dr. Pepper was for when I was tired and needed a boost,
• the chocolate was for when I was sad and missing my friends, and
• the hat was for the days when I needed to remember my purpose.

Thus my Mama Bear spirit began to develop. 

I am going to share with you what it means to be a Mama Bear, and how you can learn to defend your cubs well. 

The first thing we have to do in learning to become a Mama Bear is to understand what a Mama Bear is exactly.

Wikipedia defines a Mama Bear as, “a woman, especially a mother, who is extremely protective of a child or children,” and you can find similar ideas on definitions.net and UrbanDictionary.com. 

Who are we defending our kids from?

1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

That’s right. Satan is out to prevent every person he can from coming to Christ, and that includes our children.

Our job is to cultivate a home in which our children learn about Christ, grow in faith, and become mature Christians ready to go out into the world and fulfil the Great Commission. 

So, how do we do it? 

How Can You Become a Mama Bear?

1. Put on the Armor of God Every Day

Ephesians 6:10-18 describes the Armor of God, which you should wear every single day to be able to stand firm against Satan's attacks. 

• You need to be reading the Word of God every single day.
• Memorize scripture to repeat when the baby just won’t stop crying.
• Find a Titus Two Woman to mentor you when your teenager is being difficult. 
• Be active in the body of Christ so that you can lift one another up in prayer not only for yourself but also for your children. 
• Pray, pray, pray!

2. Teach them to recognize good and evil. 

It isn’t just enough for you to have firm faith, you have to instruct your children in the way of that faith as well.

You cannot hope that your children will catch your faith without any work on your part. 

Hillary Morgan Ferrer, author of Mama Bear Apologetics, writes, “Part of the biblical process of sanctification—or spiritual growth—is training our appetites to crave what is good and to be repulsed by what is not."

We, as mothers, need to show our children Jesus every day in our actions, in the Bible and in our world. 

Discuss current events (at an age appropriate level) and talk about which side it falls on—God’s side or Satan’s side.

Let them think critically. Help them, when needed, to see how God is moving in your home, neighborhood and beyond. 

3. Beware the Insidiousness of Technology

I didn’t really think of myself as a Mama Bear until after I had to explain my rules regarding technology to another mother as I was preparing to move. 

In my house, I don’t allow children of any age (0-18) to have technology away from an adult. This is due to the fact that I consider it my job to protect my children’s hearts and minds.

I can’t protect them from what other people invite in on tablets, phones and computers if I can’t see what is being shown. So, limit exposure where you can. 

Keep internet monitoring software on computers and phones—before you think that you need to. And yes, I mean that mom and dad should have that software on THEIR personal devices to show their children that integrity on the internet is not just for children! 

4. Protect the safety of your home.

Think of your home as a greenhouse. Your children are little plants, getting ready to go out into the world.

Your job is to ensure that the greenhouse is safe and secure. 

In The Mission of Motherhood, Sally Clarkson writes, “When children have a safe haven—a place to be protected from the storms of life; a place to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually encouraged; a place where they enjoy time and attention from important people in their lives—and time to mature, then they will have a good opportunity to become emotionally healthy and flourshing human beings.”

Be aware of what you invite in to your home in terms of media, books, movies and television shows.

Your home is your greenhouse. Do not allow it to become polluted by the filth of the world.  

Am I saying that being a Mama Bear is easy? Absolutely not. In fact, intentional motherhood takes a LOT of work and constant prayer. But I am saying that it is absolutely necessary. 

There will be people who say you are too protective and too strict.

Let them say it.

One day, you will stand before the King of Kings and you will be held ACCOUNTABLE for your time as a mother.

Remember that when someone from the PTA says your rules are too strict. 

How can you be a Mama Bear for your kids today? Which of these four points could you implement today?

Morgan Farr is a Texas-loving, succulent-cultivating, book nerd. Stationed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, this Army wife is earning to respect her husband, develop her three (soon to be four!) small children, and tackle homeschooling while moving all over the country. Morgan writes about her transition away from feminism and into biblical womanhood at The Forgiven Former Feminist. 

Graphic, "Ladies Vintage Mama Bear Hat" from Southern Sisters Designs.

Upgrade Your Time with 'Littles'

Morgan Farr has always impressed me with her godly approach to coaching women, but I've also grown to appreciate her parenting skills. In this Parenting UPGRADE, she offers five ways to upgrade time with young children.

"If you hop on to any social media platform at any time of day you will see a TON of posts in the mom-of-littles realm," Morgan says.  

"I recently noticed a disturbing undercurrent of animosity among parents of young children… towards their children."

I (Dawn) know what Morgan says is true. The Bible says children are a heritage and gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3);  but sometimes—fueled by feminism, stresses in the culture or a me-first perspective—atttitudes toward parenting today are often discouraging.

Morgan continues . . .

If you want to see for yourself, check out the hashtag #kidsaretheworst on social media sites. Some of the posts are the silly antics of kids being kids. Other posts are the cries of people that are clearly overwhelmed with kids, and most of the posts are from parents.

These posts make me so incredibly sad, because it doesn’t have to be this way!

I want to share with you how to upgrade your time With "littles" to help avoid feeling like the hashtag is true.

I am not a parenting expert by any means. However, at one point I had three children under the age of three and my husband is active duty military, so most days it was just me and the kids.

The way I not only survived, but thrived, with three under three, was to use the SHRED method.

Upgrade with the S-H-R-E-D Method

1. Structure

Children flourish with routine and structure. Having a plan for your week and a layout for your daily schedule will help a child to know what is coming next.

If that is all too much to take on, start with bedtime. I consider bedtime to be the single most important structure in our day.

The CDC says 3- to 6-year-olds need between 10 and 12 hours of sleep per day! For our family, that means the children go to bed at 6:30pm every single day, with no exceptions.

Does that mean we miss out on some things? Sure, but it also means my kids get a full night’s sleep and that seriously cuts down misbehavior and tantrums.

2. Home

Take a look at the environment you and the kids are in.

Is it messy? Is it cluttered?

I know most adults feel anxious and stressed when they are in an environment like that. How can we expect kids to be calm?

I am not by any means saying that your home has to be spotless. What I mean is, can you tidy things up to create a space that is restful, even if it is just one room.

This is often where people say that they don’t have time to do that, but if you are practicing the structure and putting your kids down, spend 15 minutes doing a quick sweep of the house to get things back in their proper place before you slow down for the night.

3. Read

Reading is an easy way to set the tone for your kids.

Margaret Fuller said, “Today a reader, tomorrow a leader.” If you want your kids to be free thinkers, read to them often.

We have several places during the day where I have scheduled time for reading.

• At breakfast, we read a devotional geared towards science and how God made the Earth.
• In the car on the way to activities, we listen to chapter audiobooks.
• At tea time, we read poetry.
• At dinner time, we read a devotional for kids about the names of God.
• When I do bathtime, I set up the two not being bathed with audiobooks and a toy and they rotate.

Get creative! 

4. Educate

Education is completely different from reading.

Yes, you can become educated by reading, but reading isn’t all there is to education.

Help you kids have curious minds.

• When they ask why seeds grow, sprout some in your window.
• When they ask how electricity works, look up Youtube tutorials.
• When they ask about firemen, schedule a tour of your local fire department.

Inspire them to ask questions and teach them what it looks like to find the answers.

Help them to see God in everything, all around them, by learning about everything that interests them.

5. Diet

Anne Mulcahy said, “Investing in early childhood nutrition is a surefire strategy. The returns are incredibly high.”

Helping your children fuel their bodies well is crucial to helping them be healthy adults physically, mentally and emotionally.

Sugary breakfast cereals set kids up for a sugar crash at mid-morning. Sports drinks, soda, and sugar-filled juice rot children’s teeth and can contribute to dehydration.

Help your children see how important it is to treat their body like the temple that God gave them (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

• Allow your children to help you make healthy food choices.
• Let them help you cook in the kitchen.
• Model for them healthy body image by fueling your own body well.

Are kids a lot to deal with? Absolutely.

Are they worth it? Absolutely.

At the end of the day, you are in charge of the little people you are raising. God gave these little miracles to you.

Raise them to be people that you like and that you would want to be around.

What changes can you make to help you enjoy spending time with your little kids?

Morgan Farr is a Texas-loving, succulent-cultivating, book nerd. Stationed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, this Army wife is working to better love her husband, develop her three small children, and learn more about homeschool. Morgan is a homemaker dedicating her time to ministering to other Army wives through Bible studies, one-on-one mentoring, and physical training. She writes about her transition out of feminism and into biblical womanhood at The Forgiven Former Feminist.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Kevin Phillips at Pixabay.

Choosing Joy in the Midst of Chaos

Julie Watson is an amazing woman. She has faced situations that could rob her of joy and peace, things that could have led to her defeat. But she is an overcomer, and in this Attitudes UPGRADE, she shares how she has found joy—and we can too.

“Decisions, decisions. Choosing joy in the midst of life’s messiness is quite the feat," Julie says, "but oh, so worth it!"

I (Dawn) have watched Julie cope with huge changes in her and her husband's life over the past few years. I can testify that she has found God faithful, and in the midst of the messiness of life, she has found God's unlimited joy.

Julie continues . . .

Ah, summer. If you’re a mom, you’ve likely just finished it. If you’re anything like me, you planned to have a great summer filled with fun activities: places to go, things to try, people to visit, etc.

And, if you’re still like me, you probably jumped for joy (to some degree) when it was over!

My HOPE is always to have the best summer, but my REALITY typically falls quite short.

I don’t know about you, but one can only take so much arguing, teasing, fighting, not listening and disobedience.

• Behaviors get stretched to new limits when the TV and tablets are turned off because someone (or two) is grounded, and it’s too hot to go outside to play.
• Boredom reaches new heights when Legos and Matchbox cars are the primary imagination booster to combat such yawn-inducing, brain-frying monotony.

In these instances, children often create their own “fun” which loosely translates into CHAOS for mom! And, not just any chaos, but the kind that horror stories are made of, such as: burning ants with a magnifying glass outside becomes a small brushfire (fictitious example), or a sister’s toothbrush is used as a toilet brush in a fit of assumptions, rage and revenge (a factual example from my summer).

This summer I did things differently.

Since the kids would be attending a new school, I had three whole months to work with them on the high expectations this new school has for its students.

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays we worked on math (the subject everyone is scared of at my house).

Tuesdays and Thursdays, I put their imaginations to work and had them write their very own books!

Since all three of my kids LOVE to read, I thought it was time to make them the authors of their own imagination destinations. Funny enough, they really loved that idea and dove right in!

But, oh my goodness, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays just about sent me over the edge.

The frustration and tears shed are almost too hard to relive… and I’m talking about MINE!

Trying to find even moments of joy became increasingly difficult.

The longer the summer dragged on, the harder it became. I had done some wonderful studies on joy in the past, and am still in the midst of one now. So, why was I struggling so much with finding joy in this summer chaos?

Joy is a choice, plain and simple. It’s not something given, bought, earned or found.

1. We have to RECOGNIZE who the author of joy is.

That’s Jesus. By taking our place on the cross and forgiving us our horrible sins we don’t deserve forgiveness for, He created an institution of joy within our own hearts when we accept Him.

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart” (Hebrews 12:2-3).

(Also see Isaiah 61:10 and John 16:24.)

2. We have to CHOOSE to be thankful for everything He has done for us.

Being grateful for our abundant blessings is the fastest way to create joy in the midst of chaos.

Even being thankful for the chaos teaches us how to cling to our Lord and Savior during the most trying of times!

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4).

(Also see Habakkuk 3:17-18; Galatians 5:22-23; and 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18.)

3. We have to SHARE it and spread that joy with those who need it.

In my estimation, that’s pretty much everyone!

Joy spreads like wildfire when you act in love and compassion toward another.

If we could share God’s love with others and act towards them with that same love, the world would change, one person at a time.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).

 (Also see Proverbs 15:23 and Romans 15:32.)

In my case, I needed to choose to be thankful for these three little lives He had placed in our home and hearts after 17 long years of waiting.

He allowed us to become parents to some pretty amazing kids who were grateful to find a home with loving parents willing to help them with their schoolwork.

But, why had I forgotten to be thankful for them this summer? 

Because I had focused too much on the temporary frustrations and didn’t choose to be grateful for my lifelong blessings!

Are you struggling with choosing joy in the midst of chaos? Is there something you’re forgetting to be grateful for that will increase your joy meter? Reach out to a sister-in-Christ to pray with you and make a better choice for yourself today.

Joy is right there for the choosing and sharing!

Julie Watson worked in women’s and children’s ministries for 10 years as a Development and Executive Director before becoming a stay-at-home mom to three beautiful children. In 2016, God created a beautiful forever family when she and her husband, Shawn, were able to legally adopt the children. Julie now helps others find hope and freedom from emotional eating & unhealthy habits as a C.O.P.E. Certified Health Coach.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pixabay.