Upgrade Your Toxic Relationships

Have you ever taken a whole year to focus on relationships? Kathy Carlton Willis shares some powerful insights about one hurtful kind - toxic (poisonous, destructive, unhealthy) relationships.

"This is the Year of the Relationship in the Willis household," Kathy says. "We have committed to make the most out of existing relationships, build new relationships, and upgrade our toxic relationships by figuring out how God wants us to deal with them better."

Some families have a lot of drama. But almost every family has at least one toxic, deeply frustrating relationship. The good news is, God can transform our relationships. At the very least, He can show us how to love others with the love of Jesus.

Kathy continues ...

What makes some relationships toxic? Is he or she a travel agent for guilt trips? If they insist on a long list of “ought tos” and “should dos” you’re on dangerous ground. Manipulation and shame creates unhealthy relationships.

Other times, a relationship becomes toxic when they go outside of God’s direction for their lives. It might require tough love and boundaries to prevent more relationship pain. We create boundaries in order for our toxic family relationships to be functional, for work relationships to be productive, and for friendships to be accountable.

Ask Yourself:

• How can I handle my disappointment when my toxic person chooses unacceptable behavior?
• How can I show love without condoning or rewarding the poor choice?
• What does God want from this?
• How can I share the truth in love?
• How can I release my feelings so they aren’t invested?
• How can I be okay if this is never resolved to my satisfaction?

One key is to never lose hope that they will realign with God’s principles. Keep praying. When we pray in love, and hope in love, we respond in love.

Love grows as we pray for God to show us how He loves them.

When It Can’t Be Fixed:

Sometimes, no matter what we do, the relationship is too broken, and the repair is outside our control.

• Seek discernment to know how involved to be with someone who isn’t going to be a positive part of your life.
• We can’t control the other person, but we have control over our own response. We also have control over our feelings and choices.
• We don’t have to fix everything.
• God mentions times when we are to separate ourselves from others who are toxic.
• God doesn’t expect us to connect hearts with them, when they are dishonoring Him or hurting His children. (We don’t have to hold their hands while they’re slapping ours!)
• God does want to make sure we create a loving atmosphere to encourage their return to what is right so they know there is always hope of reconciliation.
• Love doesn’t mean we roll over and play dead. It means we release them, much like the Prodigal Son, to find their way back to what God wants in their lives.

While waiting for someone to make the right choices, avoid getting worked up about their faults and flaws. Don’t focus on how disappointed you are in their self-absorption, distorted perspectives, or poor communications skills. Obsessing on their shortcomings can render you ineffective for God’s use.

In John 13:35 (Holman), Jesus says: “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” Will you join me in making a goal to upgrade your relationships this year?

Think of a toxic relationship in your life. How can you reframe your thoughts to deal with that person in a healthier way?

Kathy Carlton Willis shines for God, reflecting His light as a speaker at writer's conferences and women's retreats, and as an author - contributing to three books and writing hundreds of columns and articles online and in print publications. She has several books releasing over the next three years, including Grin with Grace with AMG Publishers at the end of this year. She and her husband/pastor, Russ, live in Texas.

Image in Text adapted, courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Upgrade Your Expectations

Kathy Carlton Willis shines as she encourages writers and speakers, but she has insight to share with all of us about expectations in this attitude UPGRADE.

"Don’t worry. We all have them. Unmet expectations, unrealistic expectations, unhealthy expectations. These lead to disappointment—in others, in ourselves, even in God," Kathy says.

The Bible says, "hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Proverbs 13:12) and, believe me, I've been heartsick over unmet expectations during my lifetime - especially as a young woman. I wish I'd known some of the things Kathy shares in this post.

Kathy continues ...

Sometimes expectations are based on what we want to see happen—no matter how unrealistic. Other times our expectations are based on what another person has promised. But not everyone carries out his or her promises.

What to Do:

1. Pre-plan a healthy way to handle your expectations. It’s impossible to have a godly response in the heat of the moment without having a predetermined course of action.
2. Focus on the difference between reactions and responses. Reactions are based on emotional reflexes and are governed by the heart. Responses are based on disciplined actions and are led by the Spirit.
3. Disengage your feelings from the response so you’re not allowing others to push your buttons. (And we all have buttons—usually a mix-matched set!) Take it out of the realm of feelings and put it in the realm of godly thoughts and actions.
4. Pray for God’s wisdom and discernment.
5. When a situation arises, be intentional rather than irrational. Remove yourself for a timeout if you need to disconnect from your feelings. Refocus on what Christ’s response would be. Being intentional means you have a strategy in place ahead of time, and you act on that strategy. This is called reframing your thoughts.

The Problem with Expectations:

Often our expectations of others are another form of judging motives and intentions. We forget to offer unconditional love, extend grace, give the benefit of the doubt and practice The Golden Rule. It’s easier to assume, expect, and judge.

When we expect something outside of our control, we set ourselves up for all sorts of frustrating emotions, and it doesn't help us or the one on whom we’re projecting our expectations.

Bible Remedies for Expectations:

Philippians 4:6-7, The Message:

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

• How can your expectations be a cause of anxiety?
• What is to accompany your prayers and supplications?
• What do you need to let God know about?
• What does God promise that His peace will do for you?

Isaiah 26:3 (NLT):

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"

• What can you expect God to give you when you truly trust in Him?
• When you focus on the unmet expectations, you overlook all the amazing stuff that God is doing in your life and in the world.

Prayer Points:

• When you have unmet expectations, take them to Jesus.
• Allow your unmet expectations to draw you closer to the One who can do “abundantly more than all you can ask or imagine.”
• Focus on the ways Jesus exceeds our expectations. He has eternity in mind, not just today.

What one thing can you take away from this to try as preventative maintenance so you upgrade the way you handle unmet or unrealistic expectations?

Kathy Carlton Willis shines for God, reflecting His light as a speaker at writer's conferences and women's retreats, and as an author - contributing to three books and writing hundreds of columns and articles online and in print publications. Her article today is an excerpt from Speaker to Speaker: The Essential Speaker’s Companion (Oaktara Publishing, to be released later in 2014). Kathy is also a publicist with Kathy Carlton Willis Communications. She and her husband/pastor, Russ, live in Texas.

Image in Text adapted, courtesy of Stuart Miles/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Upgrade Your "DREAM" Goals

As I was thinking about the New Year, Kathy Carlton Willis inspired me with her “DREAM” acrostic. I want to share it with our Upgrade readers.

“Everyone has dreams God has planted in them,” Kathy said. “Whether they are big or small, they have vast importance in our lives. But to turn dreams into goals, we have to wake up the procrastinator.”

Kathy had me there! I am a part-time procrastinator. The apostle Paul spoke about goals (Philippians 3:13b-14) and the writer of Proverbs wrote about planning (Proverbs 21:5a), so I know God wants us to have goals.

Yet I had two goals that I was putting off planning for (procrastinating) until … when? It just seemed too overwhelming. But I’m glad I didn’t stop reading there.

Kathy continues …  

With just a little bit of planning, you can accomplish the goals God has for your life.

Set a realistic but challenging/inspiring goal. Make the goal big enough to challenge and excite you. Divide bigger goals into smaller steps so you aren’t overwhelmed.

Plan ahead. Once you’ve broken down your goal into pieces, keep a record of it on your computer or in a journal. Give yourself deadlines for each step. Otherwise, procrastination might get the best of you.

Brainstorm ideas. Wade through some silly ideas to mine the good nuggets.

Be passionate. Striving toward a goal without passion is like a fire which slowly runs out of fuel to burn. Get excited; this will only work if you love what you’re doing.

Revisit and evaluate your goals. Keep a record of your goals and make adjustments accordingly.

Consider new opportunities and options that come your way.

Ask God to show you what goals to set, and then get specific by asking Him to show you what you can do today to get one step, however small, closer to achieving your goals. Stay focused and believe in yourself even if others do not believe in you.

Set Your DREAM Goals:

D - Does it make a DIFFERENCE in your community? (Impact and Significance)

R - Can you REACH it? (Attainable and Realistic)

E - Does it ENERGIZE you? (Passion and Giftedness)

A - Can you ANALYZE it? (Track Results)

M - Does it fit your MISSION? (Purpose and Calling)

What are your DREAM Goals for this New Year? Which of Kathy’s tips might help you achieve them?

Kathy Carlton Willis shines for God, reflecting His light as a speaker at writer's conferences and women's retreats, and as an author - contributing to three books and writing hundreds of columns and articles online and in print publications. Her article today is an excerpt from Speaker to Speaker: The Essential Speaker’s Companion (Oaktara Publishing, to be released later in 2014). Kathy is also a publicist with Kathy Carlton Willis Communications. She and her husband/pastor,  Russ, live in Texas.

Image in Text: Courtesy of Grant Cochrane at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.