9 Ways to Cultivate 'Lifetime' Married Love - Part 1

Whether your marriage is picture perfect or marred with problems, one thing is for sure - Love that lasts for a lifetime doesn't just happen; and any of us who are married can UPGRADE our marriages. It's a choice!

For the Christian, it's a biblical choice, a choice that brings blessing.

Actually ...

A Christian 'Lifetime Marriage' is a series of daily choices wrapped around commitment and enabled by God's grace.

There are basic characteristics of a marriage that lasts.

I've observed a number of marriages over the years - some for almost 40 years - watching them for clues to their longevity. My marriage watching started long before I said my own "I do."

I traveled with a revival team, and we stayed in people's homes in each new church location. Whenever I got to know a new family, I decided to take note of what worked (and didn't work) in their Christian marriages, believing I'd walk the aisle myself someday. I felt it would be wise to learn from others' experiences - that maybe I'd make fewer marriage mistakes that way.

What I discovered were common threads woven through these "Christian Lifetime Marriages." Let me highlight the nine characteristics that influenced my own marriage the most:

1. God is first: Jesus instructed us to seek God first (Matthew 6:33), and this is instruction for every area of life, including marriage. Before husband and children and anyone else, God is in first place. He is the "glue" that holds a Christian marriage together, the source embraced for help and encouragement, the foundation for a solid relationship that creates purpose and stability.

The simple truth is, as each partner draws closer to the Lord, they are far more likely to draw closer to each other. There is strength in this.

2. Giving 100%: We are to love one another as Christ loved us (John 13:34); and His love is sacrificial.

At least one of the partners must understand the concept of total, sacrificial living and loving. It may take two to tangle, but it doesn't take two to make marriage a success. As long as one partner understands marriage is not about each partner giving 50% - but rather, total commitment - there is a good chance the marriage will survive, possibly even thrive.

When one of the spouses is an unbeliever, this can be tricky. But especially in the case of wives, a husband can be "won" (1 Peter 3:1) by his wife's behavior. (How? Surrender first to God, and He will enables you to love and respect your husband.) Giving 100% does not ever mean we must tolerate abuse, but it does mean we can consider ways to love our spouse with the love of Christ.

3. Growth and ability to adapt: Partners who stretch and grow as they "rub shoulders" with each other will contribute to a stable relationship. Growth comes as we adapt not only to changing circumstances, but also to changes in our spouse.

No one ever stays exactly the same in a relationship - people tend to change (for good or ill). We are wise if we allow our partner to flex new interests and concerns within a loving relationship. Give space for growth.

Communication is key. Be quick to "hear" (James 1:19). Take time to hear words; but don't forget to listen to your partner's heart. God may be doing a new work, giving a fresh perspective, and it's important in your relationship to "hear and understand." Ask questions. Listen and learn.

4. Granting freedom to fail: It's been said, "The friends we keep the longest are the friends who forgave us the most." There's a lot of forgiveness present in lifelong marriages. The Bible says, "bearing with one another ... forgiving one another" (Colossians 3:13), and encourages humility, gentleness and patience (Ephesians 4:2).

The wise partner forgives failings - granting grace. Don't miss the blessing of cutting your spouse some slack.

I’ve found the best approach is to glance regularly toward each other, and then gaze on Jesus!

(NOTE: This post will be continued tomorrow:  9 Ways to Cultivate 'Lifetime' Married Love - Part 2. In the meantime ... Take time to study the successful Lifetime Marriages around you.)

Do the Christian marriages you observe have all or some of these characteristics?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. In these ministries and as President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego), Dawn encourages, edifies and energizes women with  scripture so they can better enjoy life, bless others and honor God. Dawn and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons and three granddaughters.

When Hubby's Quirks Annoy You

In Pam Farrel’s book, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband, she tells women “how to make this year the best year of your man’s life.” Pam and her husband are relationship specialists, and they freely share how they apply marriage principles as a couple.

“My husband, Bill, loves his coffee,” Pam says, “But along with Bill’s love of coffee, he also has a habit that could be very annoying—that is his aversion to get the coffee mugs into the dishwasher.”

I think every wife has a “this really bugs me” issue in marriage, whether it’s laundry that doesn’t make it to the basket, dishes that don’t make it to the kitchen sink, or something as simple as the way toilet paper hangs. Pam offers two creative ways to get past the annoyances and Upgrade our marriages—but I think it’s also good advice for any relationship!

She continues …

I find coffee cups every place imaginable: in the garage, in the car, in the truck, in the closet, on the sidewalk, on the deck and patio, in the shop, in the office, on the stairwell, in the bathroom—you name it, and I have likely found a coffee cup there.

It is a good thing that we are authors and speakers, because we love collecting the coffee mugs from all the churches we speak at and all the TV and radio shows we appear on—and we need every one of them!

How did I handle the mugs issue? I am not a coffee drinker really. I might drink a non-fat latte, but for the most part coffee makes my heart race, and I prefer that only Bill makes my heart skip a beat! Bill says that I am naturally caffeinated by God and it takes Bill drinking three cups of coffee just to keep up with my energy.

On the other hand, Bill has an internal homing device that helps him spot a Starbucks green awning! 

Two choices you can make when something annoys you about your mate:

(1) Appreciate the Difference. Coffee is a part of what makes Bill—well, Bill! One day, as we were preparing to move homes, I was doing that “last load of dishes” and I realized it was composed of all coffee mugs! Forty-seven of them to be exact!

It made me smile because years ago, I decided to pray for Bill every time I saw one of his empty, displaced mugs.

I was seeking to apply the principle, “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

I have embraced the ever-reappearing dirty coffee mug with fond affection, because it reminds me of my hard workin’ man who requires caffeine to do all the wonderful acts of service that benefit so many, including me.

2. Celebrate the Difference! For Bill’s 50^th birthday we celebrated by having Bill select, then roast, his own brand of coffee. It took one afternoon to visit a coffee farm, select the beans, roast it to perfection, then design the label. I knew I had a winning date as he sat, lingered a moment to savor the aroma of his Farrel Family blend of Mountain Thunder Vienna roast. He took a sip, then I watched a big grin appear on my husband’s well-caffeinated soul. 

The prayer I hope every woman prays is this:  God, if anyone I love has something that is driving me crazy, help me look for the upside—the flipside of that thing—so I see my family and friends closer to how you see them. Help me desire to bless them. Give me creative ways to express my love when I am irritated. Amen. 

Today, take that thing that is driving you crazy about your husband (sibling, parent, roommate, co-worker) and after praying for that person, look for a way to celebrate him (her).

And if you are married, step out and create a date to WOW him!

Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. How would you want your husband to treat you when some habit, quirk or personality trait is bugging him?

Pam Farrel, along with her husband Bill, speak internationally and are authors of more than 35 books including best-selling Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti, Woman of Influence, 10 Best Decisions a Woman Can Make, 10 Secrets to Living Smart, Savvy and Strong, 52 Ways to Wow Your Husband and her newest, Becoming a Brave New Woman. Married 33 years, the Farrels are relationship specialists who help people become “Love-Wise.” These San Diegans are parents to three children—two married sons—and three grandchildren.

Are You Meeting Hubby's Needs?

Worry can be a relationship killer. In her newest book, Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries, women’s conference speaker Kathy Collard Miller encourages women to trust God more and worry less. This is especially important in regard to marriage.

“Worry often steals the joy from our marriages,” Kathy says, “especially when we're not sure we're meeting the needs of our husband.”

Kathy's right! I've seen worry cause women to react negatively toward their husbands as they misinterpret their husband's reactions. When we know men’s needs, we can ask God to help us respond in wisdom.

Kathy continues…

In our marriages, there are three things men need.

(1) Your husband needs a helpmeet (Genesis 2:18).

Like a suit made for a man, God choose you specifically for your husband to complement and complete him. And for him to complement and complete you. You both fit together in ways that will challenge you to recognize your weak spots and trust God more.

You can upgrade your marriage by appreciating the ways your husband is different. His different opinions and methods are God's gift for you to learn and grow. Casting away that opportunity is like telling God He doesn't know what He's doing.

(2) Your husband needs a lover (I Corinthians 7:3-4).

God designed sexual union to bless both of you. It's His gift of physical pleasure to bond two people together.

You can upgrade your marriage by making sexual intimacy a priority. Read books that teach a Christian view of sex and plan time for it.

Your most important sexual organ is your brain. Preparing for intimacy with positive thoughts will prepare you for your husband's attention. I often think as I get in our bed ready for sex, “The playground is open.”

(3) Your husband needs a respecter (Ephesians 5:33).

It's interesting that the Bible never tells a wife to love her husband, but it does say to respect him. Respect lets your husband know he is significant and valued.

You can upgrade your marriage by considering your husband's opinion important even as you calmly give an opposing viewpoint.

Omit disrespectful choices like nagging, contempt, anger, comparisons, manipulating, and gossiping about him.

As you think of those three insights and the three upgrades, which upgrade do you want to work on?

Kathy Collard Miller has spoken in 30 states and seven foreign countries, and has 49 published books including Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries. Kathy, a mom and grandma, lives in Southern California with her husband, Larry, and they often speak at marriage events and retreats. You can read more from Kathy at her blog.

Image in Text courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Reach Out to Your Friends

Lane Jordan, a professional life coach, offers helpful counsel for women who want an organized life. In this post, she has good advice for those of us who want to UPGRADE our friendships.

“I am very loyal to my friends, and I want to be there for them as much as possible,” Lane said.

I think most of us want to “be there” for friends … but how?

Lane continues …

Friends are people who also have illnesses, family troubles and hardships. We need to be available to stretch out our hands to them in their need.

If you don’t have the time in your life now to help a friend, then maybe you are doing too much.

What would you change in your life?

1. If friends are sick, be ready to help drive them to the doctor or pick up something for them at the store.

Keep a meal frozen in your freezer so you will have one to give away quickly if a friend is in need. Be willing to babysit their children.

2. Be available to talk to them when they need you, in person or by phone.

Try to stop what you are doing and be sure to listen well. Many times all a friend needs is someone to listen and to care. Have empathy—put yourself in their shoes. Offer encouragement. Don’t nag or argue.

3. E-mail them a short message or a text so they know you care.

This is a way to keep in touch without intruding or bothering them.

4. Accept your friends as they are.

Praise their accomplishments and never be jealous of them. Be forgiving. And if you need to, don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry.

5. Always keep promises and secrets.

A real friend never gossips, is discreet and confidential.

6. Speak words of hope, grace and truth, and demonstrate faith.

A friend also prays for and with her friends and commits to prayer intercession for them.

7. Be there when a friend loses a loved one.

Sometimes we don’t know what to say when our friends are grieving. But a quick visit with a meal, visiting just to be available, sending a card or letter that shares how special their loved one was, and even remembering the birthday of the deceased are extremely helpful and loving gestures.

Grieving is an ongoing process that requires continuing help and support. “Bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2) is a verse we need to remember.

Friends are healthy! Having a community of friends around you will keep you healthier and will give you more joy in your life. Do all you can to cultivate friendships.

Which of these points most encourages you to UPGRADE your friendships … to grow in your relationships?

Lane P. Jordan is an author, national speaker and seminar leader for Christian organizations, a certified professional life coach with the American Association of Christian Counselors, and has served as Associate Producer for the weekly television program “In Touch with Dr. Charles Stanley.” Explore her website!

Note: This post is adapted from pages 42-43 in Lane’s book, 12 Steps to Becoming a More Organized Woman. Graphic in text is adapted from photo by Stuart Miles, freedigitalphotos.net.

'Financial Language' - Are You an 'Avoider'?

Janice Thompson’s six “Financial Languages” help me understand how women relate differently to money matters.  In this, her fourth post on the topic, she describes "The Avoider" approach, beginning with this quote by a famous business consultant:

“What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether you are willing to do it is another matter.” – Peter Drucker

That’s true of women in many arenas – marriage, parenting, ministry, housework and yes, finances. Janice shares a story to illustrate how avoiding financial decisions can be foolish

She continues …

Megan came to see me in the fall of 2002. I can still remember the day we met. She was beautiful, talented and well-educated. But what struck me so deeply that day was that I would be invited into the heart of a woman devastated by the recent loss of her husband. Megan’s husband had paid the ultimate price with his life in service to our country, leaving a wife alone with just three months to go until the birth of their first child.

Here was a woman who had it all. In one tragic moment, she was stripped of everything that gave her significance and security. She was now facing the frightening prospect of having to navigate the complex world of financial matters on her own.

Because Megan’s husband had always taken care of things for her, she was overwhelmed by decisions and, at times, even paralyzed by small financial events. Her initial response was to try to bury her head in the sand, thus avoiding her new reality.

I don’t think I have wept more with anyone than I did in those first few months working with this dear woman. To say she was confused and terrified by the financial decisions she was facing would be an understatement. She could easily have filled her life with distractions to assuage the grief, but instead she purposefully determined to let God make her better.

Megan chose to be victorious, not a victim.

She is now a wise, savvy, and confident woman … Megan could easily have responded to life’s curve ball by being a Martha – filling her life with activity and things that masked the void rather than focusing on the important priorities that could fill the void—like sitting at Jesus’ feet [Luke 10:38-42]. Whether Martha was simply distracted by too much to do or just operating in her comfort zone, it is clear that Martha entertained a seed of the victim mentality.

Victims have a choice: they can either avoid their new reality and become bitter, or by God’s grace they can take the appropriate steps to become better.

Does this sound like you? Do you find yourself so overwhelmed by the responsibilities of life that worry consumes you? Do you feel as though you are spiraling downward in a vortex of confusion? Are you overwhelmed and intimidated by financial matters, and do you lack confidence to make wise decisions?

If so, take heart from Megan’s story.

Don’t bury your head in the sand. Seek wise advice.

Find non-threatening ways to become financially educated.

Don’t be embarrassed by the fact that you have a lot of questions. The only “stupid” question is the one you are too intimidated to ask.

You can’t avoid reality forever, so surround yourself with wise counsel that will encourage you not only to listen, but to take appropriate action at the appropriate time. As you do, you will begin to develop confidence in your decisions.

Read this scripture thoughtfully: “... God gives out Wisdom free, is plainspoken in Knowledge and Understanding. He’s a rich mine of Common Sense for those who live well, a personal bodyguard to the candid and sincere. He keeps his eye on all who live honestly, and pays special attention to his loyally committed ones” (Proverbs 2:6-8, The Message).

Is your financial language avoidance? Which of the bulleted points will you act on today?

Janice Thompson is founder and president of Strategic Financial Solutions, Inc., a comprehensive wealth management firm focused on biblically-wise financial solutions. Janice is a Certified Financial Planner® and serves on the Kingdom Advisors Board of Directors. She has two married children and just welcomed her first grandchild to the family.  She and her husband, Tom, live in San Diego.

Note: Material adapted from the book, Managing Your Money Maze by Janice Thompson (Revive Our Hearts, 2009).

Photo in Text: Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net – adapted.