Grandparenting with G-R-A-C-E

In this Relationship UPGRADE, Deb DeArmond offers encouragement to grandparents who must deal with their children’s divorce and the own desire to build an ongoing legacy with their grandchildren.

“When the family divides, grandparents may find themselves excluded,” Deb said. “How to manage? It may not be easy, but it is simple. Face it with G-R-A-C-E!”

Grandparenting can be a rewarding experience, but I (Dawn) know many difficulties can arise when divorce is involved. It helps to have some solid strategies to build relationships with the grandkids.

Deb continues . . .

“It’s in the wee hours when my defenses are down, that my heart breaks all over again,” Sandy says explaining to friends how the absence of her grandson, Charlie, affects her. “Being without him is tough, to say the least.”

A strained relationship following her son’s divorce led to her daughter-in-law’s decision to keep Charlie from Sandy and her husband.

Unfortunately, their story is familiar for grandparents everywhere.

When the family divides, grandparents find themselves excluded, praying for a few sweet moments with a much-loved grandchild.

Divorce can create disruption in the relationship. But other issues may factor in: 

• A rebellious or prodigal child may punish his parents by withholding the grandchildren.
• A strained relationship between you and your child’s spouse can be an issue.
• The stress of seeing your grandchildren raised in an environment you find unsafe, unhealthy or chaotic can be difficult. Your comments may put you on the “no visit” list.
• Grandchildren are sometimes used to extract something of value from the grandparents in exchange for time together.

Children are busy today. School, church, sports and other activities keep them on-the-go. There may be little time for grandparent visits.

So what are grandparents to do? Face it with G-R-A-C-E.

G - Give it to God.

Focus on calming thoughts and let go of what you can’t control. Search out and write down “God replacements” – thoughts and scripture that reassure.

1 Peter 5:7 is a great place to start.

“Casting all your cares upon Him for He cares for you” (NKJV).

God knows the hurt of rejection. Seek His comfort by giving hurts to Him.

R - Recharge yourself.

Sorrow can bring loneliness, grief, even depression to “forgotten” grandparents. “I had to learn to live a new normal,” Sandy remarked.

Exercise, good nutrition, and patience help to recharge emotional batteries. Choose activities that restore you spiritually.

Friends who’d had similar experiences brought comfort and insight to Sandy. “They helped me understand that peace and joy in life is still possible, even if you don’t get to see a beloved grandchild for many years.” 

A - Adjust your expectations.  

Our adult children have families, careers and responsibilities. We become guests (hopefully, honored guests) in their lives.

Your grandchildren may be raised differently than the way you raised your own.

Different is not always wrong; it’s just different. If you measure their parenting using yourself as ruler, they’ll always come up short. Raising kids is tough duty. Pray for your grandchildren and their parents.

We play second fiddle in this band, but the music can still be sweet.

C - Communicate!

Do it often and without judgment. Call frequently. Send notes, cards, and photographs. Keep at it, even if they go unanswered. Do what you can and let God manage the results.

Don’t put grandkids in an awkward position by asking about mommy and daddy or blaming their parents for missing time together. Keep adult issues between adults.

E - Educate yourself.

Paper and pen may be your preference, but computers, texting, and social media are tops with today’s kids. My 83 year-old mother-in-law is computer savvy and active on Facebook. She knows what’s going on in the life of her kids, grandkids, and great grands by following their activity. She knows their prayer needs as she’s part of their everyday lives.

It may not be easy, but it is simple. So . . . what’s your first step to face it with G-R-A-C-E?

Deb DeArmond’s passion is family—not just her own, but the 

relationships within families in general. Her most recent book, I 

Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last, reveals the power 

of choice to create the marriage you desire. Her first book, Related by 

Chance, Family by Choice, explores tools and tips to building sound 

relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. Deb and 

her husband, Ron, live in the Fort Worth area. For more about Deb, 

visit her "Family Matters" site.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Permission to Serve God Imperfectly

One of the things you'll discover about Joan C. Webb is her authenticity and the desire to live make intentional choices. In this Attitude UPGRADE, she invites us to choose to relax in our service.

"I remember the day my shoulders relaxed and I gained permission to serve God in spite of my humanness and nagging imperfection," Joan says. "I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time; it was such a grace-filled release."

Did you get that? Isn't that what you want—to serve God in "grace-filled release"? I know I (Dawn) do; and I need the peace that comes with grace too.

Joan continues . . .

Every person in the packed hotel lobby stared at me as I banged my head against the glass door and fell to the concrete floor. The manager hurried to my side.

“That was dumb,” I whispered.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I thought it was an open door,” I mumbled. All I wanted was to pick up the morning’s newspaper on the other side of the room. Instead, I walked forcefully into a recently cleaned picture window.

“I’ll be fine, thanks,” I responded as I walked away, blurry-eyed.

How could you have done that, Joan? You know better.

 Then remarkably, my thoughts shifted. Hey, it was a mistake!

 And just as quickly shifted again. Yeah sure, JC. Not only was it a mistake, but a very public example of imperfection. Wonder if they all think you’re tipsy this early in the day.

Yet I couldn’t stifle an internal chuckle, because I was at the hotel to write another chapter in my book, The Relief of Imperfection. Right before I walked into the floor-to-ceiling glass window, I wrote the following words in my journal:

You know what? I don’t think there is a single biblical character (spiritual giant or not) who was consistently pure, good, or wise. Not one!

• Abram lied about his relationship with wife Sarai (Genesis 12:10-20). Twice.
• Sarah shamed and ridiculed her employee Hagar (Genesis 16:6).
• Paul and John Mark had a public ministry split (Acts 15:36-40).
• Peter impetuously cut off a soldier’s ear in defense of His friend Jesus and then denied even knowing Him (John 18:10,26).
• James and John jockeyed for higher status, disregarding the others on Jesus’ team (Mark 10:35-41).

 Each had unique flaws, limitations, imperfect relationships, quirky habits or faulty reasoning. Yet…

• God proclaimed Abraham a faithful friend (James 2:23).
• Sarah received her deepest desire—a miracle pregnancy (Genesis 24:36).
• God blessed both the ministries of Paul and John Mark (Acts 15:39-41; 2 Timothy 4:11).
• Jesus built His entire New Testament Church on Peter’s leadership (Matthew 16:18).
• And He kept brothers James and John on His executive staff (Matthew 17:1-3).

Over the years, I have studied and received spiritual direction from these and other biblical servants. But perhaps I had not honestly examined the cumulative picture.

On this particular morning, God lovingly splashed His grace into my “trying too hard to serve Him just right” mentality and I saw the truth:

There is not one totally perfect human role model in the entire Bible.

(Well, except Jesus—who was 100-percent God and 100-percent man.)

I experienced a relief-producing paradigm shift that day as God assured me that: 

1. He says “yes” to partnering with sinful, flawed, limited human beings (like me!) who choose to accept His Son Jesus Christ’s work on the cross and follow Him.
2. Jesus surrounded Himself with perfectly imperfect people who decided to admit their needs, take risks, make mistakes and grow.
3. He loves me—not merely what I can do. He wants me to grow. And since I want that, also, we’re on the same page with this desire. God doesn’t expect me to be, do or make it all just right all the time. That’s His job.

Now, I’m inviting you to re-read that last point with yourself in mind. God loves you – not merely what you can do. He loves watching you courageously serve Him without being overly-concerned about doing it all perfectly.

Are your shoulders relaxing yet? 

Joan C. Webb is a speaker and author who has written thirteen books including The Intentional Woman (co-authored with Carol Travilla), The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right and a four-book devotional series for children. As a Life Coach who specializes in working with writers and communicators, Joan helps set people free to become who they were designed to be and from what holds them back. For more information about becoming an intentional woman, visit Joan's website. 

Party Girl Finds Her True Identity

I’ve watched Sharon Paavola grow in recent years. God has transformed her and made her spirit beautiful. In this UPGRADE Uplift, she shares what the Lord did in her life and how He can do the same for each of us.

The words “party girl” crept into my mind with a cloud of regret and depression,” Sharon said.

We all have regrets. I (Dawn) do. The enemy likes to beat us up with them. But God has a word for Christians … actually, two … and they make all the difference. 

In Christ!

Sharon continues . . .

Party Girl. That's how I described most of my life to my psychiatrist. I told him how much I used to drink and date, even after my divorce and on into my forties. I caroused after I married my current husband.

Bad. That's what I thought about myself. Bad.

My coping mechanism, he said, during my immature stage. Where did that come from? Who did I model? I didn’t know anyone in my life that behaved that way. Christians surrounded me. Weren’t these bizarre actions from an innocent girl who knew God, who supposedly knew how to live rightly?

But I didn’t even bat an eye. It seemed natural to me … like I grew up in that environment. I lived a dual life. I acted as a Christian and then as the party girl wherever it suited me.

The chaos created in my mind and soul was so loud I had to keep partying to not hear it.

Then, 20 years ago as I sat in my closet, I finally surrendered all of my life to Christ. I wanted Him to be more than my Savior; I wanted Him to be my Lord. I realized my way had failed me. I wanted to walk His way.

Once I merged into one person, leaving the party girl behind, I found God loved me and wanted to have a relationship with me in spite of who I had been. I grew tired of my poor decisions and changed my life for the better. 

Yet with my new surrender, I was surprised by the agonizing depression that came as I thought about the past and things I couldn't change.

I was so susceptible to spiraling down the trail of old baggage. I felt despair and regret about all the time wasted—the shameful things I did. There had been two of me.

I ached inside thinking about the party girl, completely adrift with no anchor to hold her in place.

I cried for her. I cried over my past.

Abruptly, my doctor said our time had to end. But I wasn’t ready. When I turned my car on, the radio announcer said,

“You are not defined by who you used to be.”

That was the message I needed to hear! Oh, thank you, God!

I felt light again. The burden was gone along with the weighty regret. No longer the Party Girl! I am a “New Creature” in Christ. 

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I could stop beating myself up. My spirit was free to listen to the transforming truth of God’s gospel and live His plan for my life. 

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).

I am no longer defined by who I used to be. Now my identity is in Christ alone.

Are you the same person everywhere you go—the same at church and the same at home? How are you holding onto old concepts of yourself and not accepting the new you in Christ?

Sharon Paavola’s passion to speak, write and encourage women is to release them from their past—from depression and pain—so they can move on to hope, freedom and living in the present. Sharon writes a blog that includes book reviews, and she leads a Post Abortion Recovery Ministry. She and her husband, Eric, and two Bichons live in the San Diego, California, area and they have three grown children. Follow Sharon on herblog.

Graphic adapted, StockSnap, created by Luis Llerena.

Upgrade Your Fitness - at Home!

Morgan Farr is a young mom with an adorable little boy who is passionate about physical fitness. In this Health & Fitness UPGRADE she shares how to get more fit at home.

“How can I get fit and healthy," Morgan says, "if I can’t afford a gym membership or a personal trainer? I hear this question ALL the time."

OK, I (Dawn) have to admit I've used this excuse and others, but Morgan isn't about to let me (or you) get away with it.

Morgan continues . . .

It is hard in the regular world much less in the Army world for moms to get away long enough to work out at the gym. But I am here to tell you that it can be done and without spending a ton of money!

We all know that fitness an important part of life. If you don’t take care of the temple that God has given you, you can’t work as efficiently for His kingdom. This is even more important when you are a wife and mom, because you have people depending on you every single day.

I have heard a lot of excuses as to why people can’t work out, and the most common one is that they can’t get to the gym. But the thing is, you don’t have to go to the gym to work out.

You can do it from home.

You don’t need fancy equipment.

All you need is: 

• 1 car tow strap
• 1 medium carabiner
• 1 eyebolt
• 1 duffel bag (I like the ones from Army surplus stores because they are usually very cheap.)
• 1 40-pound bag of salt pellet
• 1 old car tire (I use the old ones from my car when I get them replaced.)

 That is it. That is all you need to effectively work out at home.

You will now use these six supplies to make two pieces of equipment.

1. Making a sandbag

Take the sandbag and dump in 10 pounds of the salt. I typically put it inside two trash bags just to keep things tidy.

Tie off the top, securely. A ponytail holder or two works great!

Save the remaining salt, you will need it in the months to come.

2. Making a sled:

Drill a hole in the side of the tire for the eyebolt. You want the round part on the outside portion of the tire.

When you have the eyebolt secured, use the carabiner to hook the car tow strap to the tire.

So now you have a ten pound sandbag and a tire sled.

Here are a list of the things you can do with this new equipment: overhead press, seated press, alternating press, back squat, sumo squat, overhead squat, farmer carries, weighted lunges, sandbag get ups, unweighted tire drags, weighted tire drags, unweighted hand over hand tire pulls, weighted hand over hand tire pulls.  

And those are just the movement with those two pieces of equipment!

That doesn’t include bodyweight movements like: air squats, sit ups, push-ups, jumping jacks, split squats, sumo squats, crunches, and burpees.

When you mix and match these things together you get an incredibly varied workout. Your own creativity is your only limitation! If you don’t know how to program your workout and you need a little help you can always look up workouts online.

My husband and I publish “travel” workouts for the fitness community to use at any time. These workouts are designed to be done with a sandbag and a tire sled or no equipment at all.  

1 Corinthians 9:26-27 says,

“Thus I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight as if I were shadowboxing. No, I drive my body and train it, for fear that, after having preached to others, I myself should be disqualified.”

Don’t disqualify yourself. Get in the race. Start where you are, and work to get better.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what workout program you follow. It matters that you are out there working on your body, making yourself more fit for God to use you in any capacity.

How will you start to build up your body for Christ?

Morgan Farr is an Army wife currently stationed at Fort Bragg in Fayetteville, North Carolina with her wonderful husband Brian and their seven month old son, William. She is a homemaker that dedicates her free time to ministering to other Army wives through Bible studies, one-on-one interactions and physical training. Morgan writes about her transition out of feminism and into biblical womanhood on her blog. You can find her training programs on her blog FarrFunctionalFitness.blogspot.com.  

Finding the Fruit in Your Failures

Mary James’ ministry is a combination of strength and vulnerability. In this Spiritual Growth UPGRADE, she helps us deal with the “failures” in our lives from a godly perspective.

 “Perfect love casts out all fear,” Mary says, “but it is only God’s love that is truly perfect.”

Do you struggle with feelings of failure, believing the enemy’s lies? I (Dawn) rejoice in the truth: I am“accepted in the beloved” (Ephesians 1:6) and the Father receives me in Christ with perfect love.

Mary continues . . .

I’ve worked hard at my craft over the years, but those moments still come along that make me want to cringe: a slightly pitchy note, misspelled word, bad wardrobe choice, an incomplete thought or point.

This is completely normal, but it seems like the biggest bloopers occur when I am in front of the largest crowds. Anyone else? I suppose that is why public speaking and singing is such a huge fear for most people. It comes with great risk to the ego. 

I had an experience recently where “it” happened again…the blooper…well, bloopers actually. 

If it was “American Idol,” it would have been my final week.

Every ounce of me wanted to deliver my songs with the utmost of excellence, but it just didn't happen. From my perspective, I let the people down who trusted me with the task.  

Can any good come out of the moments in our lives or careers when we feel like nothing more than a failure? I believe so, if we are willing to wait on God before deciding we have run our last race.     

Over the last 15 years of ministry, there have been times when I over promised and under delivered—and vice versa. Each experience provided an opportunity to learn from the One who made my appointments in the first place. 

The internal and external critics can be deafening, but God always has the final say. 

It’s probably a little different for everyone, but there are several valuable truths that have helped me rise above the inner critic and the competitive nature of society.   

1. Take responsibility.

No one has more skin in the game than you do, so ultimately you must take full responsibility for your own growth or professional development. Whether it’s a blog, a book or a performance that falls flat, the question should always be, “What can I do to improve my craft when the next assignment comes along?”  

The comforting part is, if what you are engaged in is God’s will for your life, there will be another assignment. Watch, listen, and critique your efforts so you can become the best edition of yourself you can be. 

2. Ask, “Is my name on it?”

Though I “bloopered” that public performance and understand how to do a better job next time, it was not exactly in line with my ministry passion. Yet by walking through that door, I was able to see (once again) that not everything is a fit. And that is OK.  

I heard Christine Caine say recently, “I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t have my name on it.” How true it is. This is where I need to be comfortable saying “no” from time to time.

3. Keep your eyes upon the Father. 

As I went forward to sing for the final time at the event—while blushing and fearful of messing up again—I suddenly got this picture of my heavenly Father calling me over to Him and saying,

"Mary, come near. Sit on my knee and please sing me that lovely song once more. I love to hear that voice I gave you." 

It occurred to me, perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18), but it is only His love that is truly perfect.  

If I take my eyes off the Lord and look to others for approval, it’s astonishing how quickly I can enter a place of fear. It is no surprise how quickly one can sink.

To the Lord, my song was sweet and imperfect and beautiful.

Within my error and anxiety, He showed me what perfect love looks like.

No experience or endeavor is one dimensional. There is much to be given, learned and received at every opportunity.

We need to grow, seek excellence, and make choices that align with our giftings, but I will say this: after 15 years of working hard, honing my craft, struggling with confidence and praying that God would bring forth a harvest from my branches, the gift (understanding) I received through that picture (visual) of me of sitting on my Father’s knee—singing to Him—is what I would deem the greatest of successes. Nothing earned, just a gentle and victorious reminder of His grace and unmerited favor.   

It’s a profound truth that if practiced will allow me to take a deep breath and simply enjoy the music.

Remember, well-formed love—God’s love—will cast out all our fears.

The fruit of our labor is not always found in how we impact others, but in how God is growing us so that we can most effectively draw others to His knee.

Failures, though never welcome, can be the very thing God uses to remind us of what matters most to Him.   

Have you taken your eyes off of Him Beloved? I trust He is waiting to hear your beautiful song as well.

Mary James is a Christian Artist, Worship Leader, speaker and writer. Through her soul-stirring music, adoption-prodigal story and transparent, biblically-centered messages, Mary is devoted to helping the broken find love, healing and abundant life through Christ. Since entering ministry, she has appeared at events with leading Bible teachers such as Dr. David Jeremiah, Kay Arthur, Sheila Walsh, Shannon Ethridge and many others. She has been recognized on a national level as a three-time Inspirational Country Music Female Vocalist of the Year and is the President of Mary James Ministries, Inc.    

Graphic, adapted from StockSnap.io.