Growth through Grief

Yvonne Ortega, a woman who moved from broken to beautiful, encourages others to do so as well. In this Trials and Victory UPGRADE, Yvonne invites us to grow and thrive after grief.

“I rode an emotional roller coaster of grief because of the loss of my mother and my only child within weeks of each other,” Yvonne says. “Somehow, my losses couldn’t be in vain.”

I (Dawn) cannot imagine some of the things Yvonne has experienced, but I know her words are true. The Lord does meet us in our time of need, and He doesn't leave us without resources to thrive.

Yvonne continues . . .

After my mother and my son died, I needed to make sense of losing them. I had to do something that would improve the lives of others.

My purpose had to be bigger than learning to thrive after grief.

Leaving a legacy became important.

Six months after my son’s death, I left the counseling job I enjoyed to pursue my dream of becoming a full-time speaker and author.  

Here are THREE TIPS that will help you when you’re ready to think about a mission or purpose for your life.

1. Reflection

I reflected on what my mother did in her life. She had helped teachers, students and school districts through her expertise in grant writing. She helped 26 women complete college degrees, obtain teaching credentials and gain employment as teachers.

She left a legacy.

I asked God to show me how I could leave a legacy. I sensed His leading to do that through articles on my website and on others’ blogs. I also sensed that my educational, social, and spiritual encounters with other people could encourage and support them.

The unexpected death of my son made me understand I wasn’t promised tomorrow either. If I wanted to become a full-time speaker and author, I couldn’t put that dream off any longer. So, I left my counseling job to leave a legacy through speaking and writing.

2. Prayer

Based on what God showed me about leaving a legacy, I prayed for divine appointments and His special mentors or coaches.

I claimed Psalm 28:7:

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy,  and with my song I praise him" (NIV).

God answered my prayers. I attended additional speaker boot camps and conferences, individual coaching for both my speaking and writing, and writers’ conferences. Before each event, I prayed and asked others to pray with me that I would meet the people God wanted me to meet and work with those he chose.

God brought the most interesting and talented people into my life—men and women I would have never met otherwise.

3. Surrender

I chose to surrender my finances, time and energy to God’s good, pleasing and perfect will.

I needed to limit leisure days of sleeping in, lunch dates with friends, and shopping days at the mall. As I said no to a social whirlwind, I said yes to scheduled time on my calendar for reading, speaking, and writing. I couldn’t have done that without lots of prayer and obedience to God’s plan on how I would leave a legacy.

God’s favor and faithfulness led to my speaking opportunities and two more books.

Allow your tears to water growth and increase your ministry.

If you’ve lost a loved one, sit alone with God and ask him how YOU can grow through grief and help others.

Yvonne Ortega is a licensed professional counselor, a bilingual professional speaker, and the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful© through Grief (out in a few months / search at Amazon/books). She has also written Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer. Yvonne not only survived, but thrived after a domestic violence marriage, breast cancer and the loss of her only child. With honesty and humor, she uses personal examples and truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful. Find out more about Yvonne at her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of uroburos at Pixabay.

Are You Really Addiction-free?

Surviving and thriving after numerous trials, Yvonne Ortega speaks words of wisdom to women who hurt and struggle. In this "Choices" UPGRADE, she encourages women to break free from their addictions.

Yvonne asks, “When you think about addiction, do you imagine a drunk person, who slurs his words, stumbles, and smells of alcohol? Perhaps you visualize a drug addict in a questionable neighborhood selling family possessions to buy illegal drugs."

Because I (Dawn) have faced few "addictions" of my own—like obsession with food—I know addictions can overwhelm anyone. But I also know from experience: we can break free!

There truly is hope!

Yvonne continues . . .

You may think that if you don’t drink or smoke, you are addiction-free.

• However, you may be addicted to food, such as sugar.

Can you make a meal out of candy, cookies or cake? Do you stop at the store, buy a half-gallon of ice cream, and eat it in one sitting? You may be obese. You eat when you worry, get bored, or can’t cope with grief or some other pain. Rather than talk with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor, you eat.

Philippians 3:19 addresses this problem and says, “Their god is their stomach” (NIV).

• Perhaps you go shopping to cope.

Your father verbally, physically or sexually abused you as a child. You held in the anger and pain of that abuse, but turned to shopping to cope. Now if someone hurts you, you go shopping.

Until you face that pain, you will stay addicted to shopping. 

• Maybe you’re a slave to perfectionism.

If you invite guests to your home, your house will be in perfect order inside and out. You’ll probably clean the windows too. You’ll serve a homemade meal and wear the perfect outfit and have every hair in place.

Your addiction to perfectionism won’t allow you to relax, enjoy your guests, or life for that matter.

• If you choose unhealthy relationships, you might date an alcoholic, a batterer, or a gambler.

As one woman said, “My boyfriend doesn’t have a job, but he has a motorcycle. He’s exciting.” As she talked about the different men she dated, she said, “My parents never liked any of them, but they were fun—even the one who ruined my credit.”

She was addicted to unhealthy men and wanted to help them. She needed help to improve her self-confidence.

How can you BREAK FREE from addiction?

1. Admit that you use an escape mechanism to avoid reality.

James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

It’s not enough to admit the addiction to yourself.

Do so to a pastor, a Christian counselor, or to a Christian recovery group. Confession and prayer will help you. 

2. Establish accountability.

The devil wants you crippled with guilt, shame, and secrecy.

Psalm 34:5 says, “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame” (NIV).

When you meet weekly with your pastor or counselor, you set up accountability. This is comparable to a sponsor in a 12-step group. 

3. Know who you are in Christ.

Find Bible verses about your identity in Christ, such as Ephesians 2:10 (NIV):

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Each day repeat those verses often.

Once you believe with your heart and soul who you are, the relief from addiction won’t entice you.

What will you do this week to break free from addiction?

Yvonne Ortega is a licensed professional counselor, a bilingual professional speaker, and the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful® through Forgiveness, Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward (both in paperback, Kindle) and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer (Kindle), all available at amazon.com/books. She not only survived but thrived after a domestic violence marriage, breast cancer, and the loss of her only child. With honesty and humor, Yvonne uses personal examples and truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful. Learn more about Yvonne at her website.

Graphic adapted, courtesty of TeeTasse, Pixabay.

When Forgiveness Seems Impossible

In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE, Yvonne Ortega addresses a crucial area in our walk with the Lord: forgiveness when it's hard and seems so impossible.

"For seven and a half years, I struggled to forgive an abusive former husband," Yvonne says. "I stomped and cried. Why should I forgive him? He didn’t ask for forgiveness, and he didn’t apologize. "

Oh, have I (Dawn) been there. I struggled with forgiving an abuser. For a long time, I resisted. So I know what Yvonne writes is true!

Yvonne continues . . .

Perhaps you wonder how I managed to forgive him. It wasn’t easy.

Here are three tips to forgive, especially when forgiveness is difficult.

1. I realized forgiveness is for my PHYSICAL health.

When I was filled with anger, bitterness and rage, I didn’t sleep well. I was tired most of the time. My lower back hurt, and I didn’t eat well either. My problems with digestion were so bad that I lost 20 pounds. I looked like a bag of bones—pale, thin, and tired.

I thought about 1 Corinthians 3:16 (NIV) which says: “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s spirit dwells in you?”

I had to take better care of God’s temple.

What will you do to take care of your physical health?

2. I realized forgiveness is for my EMOTIONAL health.

I was caught up in an emotional prison of unforgiveness. Instead of thinking about how to improve my life, I went over and over the terrible things my ex-husband said and did to me and our son. That left me depressed.

I was fearful that he would repeat his behavior whenever we saw him or our son visited him. That made me anxious.

Philippians 4:8 (NIV) gave me a different perspective. It says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

What about you? Is your mind shackled to someone who hurt you? Does that leave you depressed, fearful, or anxious? 

3. I realized forgiveness is also for my SPIRITUAL health.

I ignored God’s command to forgive my ex-husband and that unforgiveness broke my spiritual communion with my heavenly Father.

My prayers weren’t prayers, but pleas for revenge.

I asked God to get him good and let me live to see it. When I read the Bible, it was to find a reason or an excuse not to forgive. My Bible study and prayer life deteriorated. So did my church fellowship.

Colossians 3:13 (NIV) says, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

God had forgiven me thousands of times. Now I had to forgive as the Lord forgave me and get close to God again.

Are you as close to God as you once were? How thick is the wall that separates you from spiritual communion with him? How is your disobedience affecting your prayer life, Bible study, and church fellowship?

Today I have peace, freedom and a full life.

The Lord blesses me with peace (Psalm 29:11), and I am free in Christ, no longer burdened by a yoke of slavery to unforgiveness (Galatians 5:1). I’m living the abundant life Jesus came to earth to give me (John 10:10b). 

Will you forgive for your physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing?

Yvonne Ortega is a professional speaker, author, licensed professional counselor, World Class Speaking Coach, and the author of the newly-released Moving from Broken to Beautiful® through Forgiveness—available at Amazon.com along with two other books: Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward, and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer. Yvonne has not only survived but thrived after a domestic violence marriage, breast cancer, and the death of her only child. With honesty and humor, she uses personal examples and the truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful. Visit www.yvonneortega.com.

Getting Through Your Grief

I met Yvonne Ortega at AWSA, a writer's and speaker's conference in 2015. I was so surprised by her persistent joy. So many struggles conspired to keep this woman of God down, but she emerged victorious. In this helpful Grief and Ministry UPGRADE, she shares her story and what she learned about grief.

"I’ll never forget that Thursday night after work in May," Yvonne said. "I read an email that said, 'I’m sorry to hear the news about your son Brian. Call me"

I called my friend in California and said, 'What news about Brian?'

"She thought I knew my only child had died unexpectedly after eye surgery. Living on the opposite coast, I didn’t. Tears gushed down my checks. I could hardly talk."

I (Dawn) cannot imagine this mother heart's pain! I wonder, if I knew Yvonne during those dark days, would I have known what to say? Yvonne has some wise counsel about that.

She continues . . .

That was six years ago within weeks after the loss of two aunts and my mother. I walked around in shellshock.

Reality set in one year later on Mother’s Day.

Without my mother and son, there would be no cards, calls, gifts or visits. Only AGONY!

Here are three tips that helped me get through the grief.

First, I realized I couldn’t do it alone.

I went to The Compassionate Friends, a support group for those who’ve lost a child. That group met monthly. I also went to GriefShare, a weekly support group for those who’ve lost a loved one. I received a GriefShare workbook and a devotional.

Second, I needed to be honest about my feelings.

I didn’t need to be strong. I wouldn’t ruin my testimony if I cried.

God made me with tear glands. Jesus wept when Lazarus died, and He knew He would raise him from the dead.

I clung to 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

As I poured my heartaches and struggles into my journal, I sensed God’s presence.

Third, I accepted the fact that some people would do better not saying anything.

Friends like Job’s said,

• “We all suffer little losses.” (How could the loss of my only child be little?)
• “At least you know he’s in heaven.” (I was doubled over in pain because he’d never walk through my front door again, never call me or send me a card again. I couldn’t call or visit him or send him a card or a gift either.)
• “I heard your son committed suicide.” (She heard a lie.)
• “Call me if you need me.” (I never called anyone who said that.)

Others knew what to say:

• “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
• “I will miss Brian.”
• “I’ll be over tomorrow at 1:00 pm to clean your house.”
• “I want to fix dinner for you tonight. Do you have food allergies or foods you dislike?”
• “I’m on the way to the post office. I can buy stamps for you.”
• “What can I pick up for you when I go to the grocery store?”
• “I’m going to the bookstore. If you need thank you notes, I’ll get them.”

I received God’s comfort and now share that comfort with others. I found peace and joy again, but not overnight.

If you’ve lost a loved one, what will you do this week to help you get through your grief?

If you know someone who is grieving, what can you say that’s helpful?

Yvonne Ortega is a licensed professonal counselor, a bilingual professional speaker and a speaking coach. She's the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward (2015) and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer (2010). She has not only survived but also thrived after a domestic violence marriage, breast caner and the loss of her only child. With honesty and humor, Yvonne uses personal examples and the truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Admit Your Mistakes!

Yvonne Ortega has rested in Christ to overcome the challenges and heartaches in her life, and she is truly a beautiful soul. In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE, Yvonne shares one princple that can help us exchange our shattered dreams for the promises of God and watch Him heal the broken places in our lives.

Yvonne writes, "After the legal separation I told our son, 'You paid the price for my mistake. I’m the adult and your mother. As a parent, I should have protected you and never have allowed you to go through all that you did. I was wrong to pretend everything was okay.'”

I (Dawn) believe this kind of admission takes courage, but it is rooted in love for God and others. Yvonne "owned up" to her mistake in a God-honoring way.

She continues . . .

Perhaps you wonder how I managed to admit my mistakes to my son.

Here are four tips I learned about the admission of big mistakes.

1. I realized the admission of mistakes requires PREPARATION.

My preparation included journaling, prayer, Bible study, individual counseling, and my recovery group.

I leaned on the promises of three Bible verses and reviewed them frequently. One verse was 1 John 1:9:

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (NIV).

What will you do to prepare?

2. I had to admit my mistakes WITHOUT making EXCUSES for them.  

That type of admission requires honesty and humility. I had to take responsibility for my mistakes without any excuses, justification, defensiveness or blame. That way my child could believe I was sorry and trust me to protect him.

Why is it hard for you to admit your mistakes without making excuses for them? If the person you hurt has passed away, you can write a letter of admission and domeapologize. Then read it to a friend, mentor, or counselor.

Take ownership of your mistakes so they lose their power over you.

3. My admission of mistakes could either be ACCEPTED or REJECTED.

The longer I stayed in a domestic violence environment, the worse it became for my son. I had failed him. He suffered from the lack of peace and safety in the home. He could either accept or reject my admission of wrongdoing and my apology.

My heavenly Father gave me the courage to admit my mistakes by reminding me of Proverbs 28:13:

“Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy" (NIV).

Your admission of mistakes may have nothing to do with domestic violence or hurting your child. It may involve:

• a strained relationship with a coworker,
• conflict with your in-laws,
• or a misunderstanding with a partner in ministry.

Whether your admission is accepted or rejected, the Lord will keep His Word.

4. I needed to make AMENDS to the best of my ability.

Life wasn’t perfect after my admission. However, it improved, little-by-little, as I worked to be the adult and parent my child needed and deserved.

Years later, he called and said, “You were a good mom.”

I cried for joy when I heard those words. The amends paid off.

I did my part, and God did His. I received the mercy the Lord promised in Proverbs 28:13.

When will you make amends? It’s worth the effort. 

Yvonne Ortega is a licensed professional counselor, a bilingual professional speaker, and the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward,  and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer. She has not only survived but also thrived after domestic violence, breast cancer and the loss of her only child. With honesty and humor, Yvonne uses personal examples and the truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful. Visit Yvonne’s website for more information.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.