Singleness and Our Desire for Family

Nali Hilderman is one of the most radiant young women I know. She's single-minded toward the Lord, and that colors her attitudes about living as a single in this stage of life. I invited Nali to share about her growth in this Single Christians UPGRADE.

"As singles, the desire for a family of one’s own can be strong," Nali says. "Yet we are stuck in a weird in-between which is not fully the past, and definitely not the future."

I (Dawn) still remember traveling across America as a single woman and longing to have a husband and children and settle down. Nali's right; the ache was strong. I wish I'd had this wise counsel back then.

Nali continues . . .

One of the main things I hear from singles, and struggle with myself, is the loneliness that comes from not having a family of one’s own. 

As I’ve wrestled through this, here are three things that have helped me navigate that desire for husband and children. I hope they’re an encouragement to you as well!

1. Be your Own Family.

Several years ago I sensed the Lord asking me to step out in faith and live my life AS THOUGH marriage and family might not happen. What I sensed was that he wanted me to live my life to the fullest and “stop waiting” for life to begin once I crossed the altar or had my first child. 

The Lord has told us that He came to give us life abundantly (John 10:10b) and that remains true regardless of your marital status! 

So, I bought a house (a huge blessing), and slowly I’ve made my home my own, and begun my own “family” activities. I decorate for Christmas, I have special traditions, that are unique to me, not my family of origin and hopefully they’ll be something that I can share with my own family, one day.

2. Think Outside the Box About Family.

While I was in that season, I also distinctly felt the Lord telling me that my singleness had a purpose, which was to invest 100% of myself in my work—which, as a professor, is investing in the lives of students. (Note: That's Nali, bottom left in white, having fun with some of her students.)

I realized if I had a family of my own, there was no way I’d have the time or energy to impact these young adults the way I do as a single woman. 

While you may not have that same “built in family option” at your workplace, I guarantee there are youth groups and Sunday school classes that would LOVE your help and your investment made in the lives of the kids.

The Bible tells us in Titus 2:1-5 to mentor others and pour into the next generation.

3. Find or Join a Friend’s Family.

You probably have many friends with families of their own, and one of the greatest joys is to join their family activities. 

I’m not talking about babysitting.

I’m talking about doing life with them—meal time, play time, nap time, activity time—simply join them in whatever they’re doing. 

When I do this, it blesses me and makes me feel like I’m part of a family; and I know it blesses their parents to have the “adult company” and also someone else to invest in their children. 

One of my favorite things to be called is “Auntie Nali.”

To hear my sister’s kids (pictured, right) and my friend’s kids call me that fulfills my deep desire, for now, to be called "Mom."

I know that the desire for your own family can be overwhelming and you wonder when, maybe if, it will ever happen. (I know I do.) But let’s try to focus on the things we have right in front of us and use this precious time we have now to learn to invest in the lives around us. 

If we are faithful in these things, we’ll be even more prepared to invest when it’s our turn.

Psalm 37:3 says, “Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.” How can you dwell in the land (i.e. season of life) and cultivate faithfulness in your desire to have a family today?

Nali Hilderman is a professor of American history and Political Science at San Diego Christian College and Director the college’s Dr. Henry Morris Leadership Program.  She studies women’s history and Christian theology trying to make sense of how to be a confident, successful Christian woman who does not buy into the secular feminist mentality.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of stevepb at Pixabay.

Love Is in the Air Between Us

Cynthia Ruchti's novels and nonfiction works often encourage people to reflect on life, love and change. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she helps us focus on loving our aging parents.

"Why did I wait so long," Cynthia says, "to figure out my mother-in-law’s love language?"

Oh wow. Do I (Dawn) relate to that! It took me years to discover how to relate to my dear mom-in-love. But once I understood, that relationship blossomed.

Cynthia continues . . .

Her message on our answering machine was simple but poignant: “Where are these people? Why can’t I ever reach them?”

My mother-in-law’s voice shook with emotion.

I didn’t hear her message until I returned from a long, tiring, but rewarding week-long conference. My husband had been home but hadn’t reached the phone before our answering machine kicked in. He’d quickly assured her he was there, right where she expected him to be.

But I couldn’t shake the quaver in her voice when I listened to the message after I returned home. It represented so much more than disappointment.

Her words symbolized a gap between our lives, between our methods of marking time—enough/not enough—and my understanding of her deepest need.

Although she’s almost 1,500 miles away from us, she lives on the same property as my sister-in-law, so we’re confident Mom has what she needs physically. Someone is watching out for her best interests.

But that closeness to her daughter sometimes lulls us into thinking her needs are met.

One of her felt needs is the assurance we care. To her, if we’re not present to answer the phone, we don’t care. Or we’re too busy for her.

Maybe the fact that travel is part of my job is harder on her now that she can’t physically travel, too.

Her love language must be quality time.

And neither my husband nor I considered how to honor that when loving her from a distance.

We’re not alone. Many live too far away from their aging parents to be involved in day-to-day care or to show up for often for a quality time visit.

When distance is an issue, how can we bridge the gap? How can we upgrade the way we love our aging parents?

1. Initiate the calls. Don’t wait to be called.
2. Call more frequently than you imagine necessary.
3. Listen leisurely, whether the stories are stale or fresh.
4. Collect tidbits of information your aging parent might find interesting.
5. Call on days that are important to your parent, but also call just because.

As I wrote the recent release—As My Parents Age—I remained immersed in the subject of caring for aging parents, even though my father and mother died in 1993 and 2010, respectively. And respectfully.

I Peter 4:8 (AMP) lingered in my mind while I wrote, and returns to redirect me often:

“Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”

As I reviewed my list of UPGRADE suggestions, I was impressed with its connection to loving our God, who is both here (through the Spirit) and distant (not seeing Him face-to-face until well into the future).

Can I—can we—demonstrate our love in similar ways?

1. Initiate communication with God. Don't wait for Him to have to tap us on the shoulder to remind us about our relationship.
2. Pray more frequently than we imagine necessary. It will keep us in step with His directives and pace.
3. Listen leisurely in prayer, but to old stories and to new.
4. Watch for reasons to praise Him, to express gratitude, to celebrate with Him.
5. Remember Him uniquely on His "special days," but connect with Him just because. It's a sign of a healthy relationship.

Whether it’s your parent or God who needs an “I love you and I’m thinking about you” call, when will you follow-through?

Cynthia Ruchti tells stories hemmed-in-Hope through more than 20 novels, nonfiction, devotionals, and through speaking events for women or writers. She and her grade-school sweetheart husband live in the heart of Wisconsin, not far from their three children and five (to date) grandchildren. You can learn more about her and her books here, including her recent release, As My Parents Age.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of stephiejo at Pixabay.

Your Life Makeover: Are You Ready?

Wildfire survivor Elizabeth Van Tassel garners encouraging real-life stories and creates fantasy for kids with one goal in mind—helping tweens, teens, and adults find RESILIENCE amidst the most challenging times in life.

     

In this Spiritual Life UPGRADE, she encourages us to be open to life makeovers, so God’s touch will be evident in our lives.

“I didn’t ask for this season of great change, but I knew there was a whisper of something more packed into the move," Elizabeth said. "There’s a moment when you decide to either live a life of calling or of complacency. I didn’t want any regrets."

I (Dawn) think we can identify with seasons of change—expected and unexpected. But how we approach those changes makes a huge difference.

Elizabeth continues . . .

My husband looked stunned at the out-of-town, unsolicited job offer he’d received. It was an amazing opportunity for him, but I hesitated at first.

Our infant son’s third word was “box,” because our family had moved six times in two years.

Those were awful, unplanned and emergency-tinged after losing everything we owned in a massive wildfire years ago.

So, the word “move” provided a real challenge for me.

But the experience of giving everything to the Lord, and watching Him build a life for us again also freed me to invest in hope.

I said yes, and jumped.

Right now, we’re living in boxes in temporary housing, and breathing in the moment of trust daily.

• Where will we live? Not sure yet.
• Where will my grocery store be? Must remain flexible.

It’s like the TV show where they show up and dump your old clothes and take you on a shopping spree for a whole new look.

Are you open to His leading when this happens? Where does your life need transformation?

What if you’re cruising along, pretty content with life in general, and then a great change arrives?

Are you ready to be receptive to that ‘still, quiet voice’ prompting you to be open to something new? What could you miss if you’re not listening? Can dark times of loss and recovery actually make you MORE resilient?

Here’s what David had to say in Psalm 36:7-9:

“The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light do we see light.”

Your ability to be RESILIENT, or flexible enough to bend rather than break when pressures rise and life brings more stress, is to be able to UPGRADE as you do three things.

1. Nestle in closer, even when you don’t feel safe.

It’s all right to realize you’re a bit fragile. Ironically, those brittle moments are when we can uncover a new relationship with Christ.

Share your dreams and feelings. Give yourself time and permission to hang out in the Word and in conversational prayer. It can bring connection and healing. Perhaps those moments when you need “refuge” will bring you even closer to Him.

2. Look for abundance in unexpected places.

When your life situations shift dramatically, there will be losses. Friends, or homes, or even jobs may change.

But in that season, what new doors are being opened?

Is it a caring friend who unexpectedly shows up to help?

Are you developing a new skill?

You never know how God can use your situation.

Be open to new lessons.

Where there’s growth, there’s a chance for Him to retool something; because He LOVES makeovers—those of the heart—the most.

3. Search for a river of delights.

So many people, perhaps hundreds, have asked me how we stayed positive, our marriage survived, and our children have coped with so much change. We found a way to be intentional with our time and our activities, and even planned more fun into our priorities—thanks to our kids’ perspective!

Time slows when there’s loss or death or depleted resources. Eventually, after some healing, you’re ready for significant questions in uncovering how to live a life of calling rather than just getting by.

You’ll find that river of delights when you sit quietly and ask Him:

• For refreshment.
• For the next breath.
• For deliverance.
• And for acceptance.

So, are you ready to take a breath, listen more, and learn from painful moments? Can you pack your own boxes? What’s holding you back?

Elizabeth Van Tassel, resilience expert and fantasy writer, has really lived a life with diamonds, wildfires, and miracles. A wildfire survivor and gemologist who lost every possession and her home in the 2007 Witch Creek Wildfire, she winds tales of wondrous gems and destructive loss into fantastic fantasy for the next generation and beyond. She also speaks, writes nonfiction, and blogs weekly for adults and kids about living a resilient life. Learn more about Elizabeth here.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Ron Porter at Pixabay.

How Do I Protect Myself from Manipulation?

Debbie W. Wilson, who loves to point people to her big, BIG God, also loves to share His wisdom with people. In this Wisdom UPGRADE, she tackles the tough topic of manipulation.  

Debbie says, "A counseling professor told a woman in one of Larry's lab groups, 'Your tears don't move me.'"

That sounds heartless, but I (Dawn) understand that response. I've made the same response in a counseling format, and with good reason.

Debbie continues . . .

His words stunned the group, but the woman stopped crying.

“Those were tears of frustration,” he explained. “They weren’t tears of brokenness.”

I’ve thought of that many times when someone’s tears haven’t moved me and I wondered what was behind them.

Crocodiles shed tears when they eat their prey, but not from regret or sorrow.

Some people use tears to manipulate. Others use flattery.

If that doesn’t work, they pout or explode to get us to follow their script.

Emotional pain is real. And manipulators use it to control us—if we let them.

One family I know didn’t take a vacation the first twenty years of marriage. Every time they planned a trip, the mother-in-law became ill and asked, “How can you leave when I’m about to die?”

Giving in to manipulation is harmful—not just unpleasant.

Jesus said no one can serve two masters. Submitting to manipulation makes the wrong person lord over our time and lives.

How do we protect ourselves from being manipulated?

Recognizing manipulation is the first step.

The controllers in our lives may be blind to their tactics, but that doesn’t mean we have to be in the dark.

The ugly feelings we experience after allowing ourselves to be manipulated should inform and motivate us to create healthy boundaries.

Consider the following if you suspect you are being manipulated:

1. How do you feel after you leave this person or group? .

Guilt may be a sign someone is trying to control you.

A woman pulled aside a friend of mine one night. She complained that she didn’t have any friends. My friend prayed for the woman but left feeling guilty. On the way home, she experienced an aha moment.

The woman was a manipulator. Her guilty feelings evaporated with this understanding..

2. Are you making decisions based on what you believe is best or to avoid disappointing or angering someone? .

We want to be kind and generous, but when someone takes more than we want to give we feel taken advantage of and resentful.

God loves a cheerful giver. If I’m feeling resentful, I probably need a clearer understanding of where my responsibilities end and theirs begin.

3. Am I living to avoid pain or to pursue faith and love?

Giving in to controlling people won’t protect us, in the long run, from emotional pain. We despise our spineless compliance and resent them and anyone who reminds us of them. This isn’t love.

People who habitually let others control them may develop self-destructive habits. They mindlessly shop, eat, gamble, or drink to numb the pain of feeling used.

Faith and love are better motivators than fear and guilt.

4. Do I believe all conflict is bad?.

When some religious people tried to control a group of believers in the early church, Paul wrote, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Gal. 5:1, NIV).

Standing firm in our God-given freedom may upset those who want to control us. But that isn’t bad.

Paul said, “No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God’s approval.” (1 Cor. 11:19 NIV).

Conflict exposes hearts. If one arises because we won’t let someone wrongly control us, it’s okay. We’re in good company.

People with religious-sounding arguments tried to control Jesus, the Apostle Paul, and the disciples. Because these men understood God’s will, they escaped their nets.

By serving one Master, we can too.

What helps you recognize and resist manipulation?

Debbie W. Wilson, drawing from her personal walk with Christ, twenty-four years as a Christian counselor, and decades as a Bible teacher, speaks and writes to help people discover relevant faith. She is the author of Little Women, Big God and Give Yourself a Break. Share her journey to refreshing faith at Debbie's blog. 

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Yomare at Pixabay.

Avoid Drama by Choosing Your Friends Wisely

Cindi McMenamin would love to see women display more and more strength as they embrace life-changing truth. In this Friendship UPGRADE, she explains how we can have less drama and more soul-strength by choosing friends carefully.

She asks, "Do you find there’s much drama in your life? If so, it may have to do with your choice of friends."  

I (Dawn) know this is true. Today I have different "levels" of friendships—intimate, ministry-based, casual, and sad to say, "guarded." Friends are truly a blessing, but we still need to pray carefully about the people we invite into our hearts.

Cindi continues . . .

Christian women often get the idea that they must be friends with everyone. Yet the Bible tells us,

“The righteous choose their friends carefully” (Proverbs 12:26, NIV).

Sometimes you and I don’t actually choose our friends—they just find us and before we know it, we’re hanging out with someone who is either helpful or a hindrance. But if you and I want to dial down the drama in our lives, it would be wise to take inventory of our friendships.

As I was writing my book, Drama Free, I included a list of the five types of friends you and I need in our lives. As you read through this list (which is not in any particular order), you might want to take mental note of the kinds of friends you currently HAVE to get an idea of how balanced you are.

You might also use this list as a guide to praying about the friendships you might STILL need.

1. The Fun Friend

Let’s admit it. We all need someone who is fun to be with, who makes us laugh, who encourages us to set the work aside, have some fun, live a little.

You and I can’t spend every waking moment with this friend because if we did, we’d never get anything done. But if you have a friend who can balance the fun with responsibility and maturity, and encourage you to let go of work now and then and not take yourself so seriously, you have found a treasure.

Who encourages you to not take yourself so seriously?

2. The Firm Friend

I’m not talking about the woman who is constantly working out and has considerably less body fat than the rest of us. Although you and I need her too (we’ll get to her later), we need a friend who will firmly tell us what we need to hear, not just what we want to hear.

While your fun friend may encourage you to laugh it off or live for the moment, your firm friend will often remind you of what’s best for you, even if it isn’t fun or even comfortable. She does this because of her love for you and her ability to see beyond the moment to what really matters.

And if she’s able to be firm with a generous dose of grace and love, hold onto her. She is a rare gift.

Who tells you what you need to hear instead of just what you want to hear?

3. The forward-moving friend

You’ve seen her. You probably even admire her (or maybe you can’t stand her because she has it all together!).

She gets excited about New Year’s resolutions and seeks out people to join her in them each January. She talks about what she’s reading, what she’s learning in her Bible study, or the latest class she’s taking to explore something new.

Do you have someone to challenge you to be more healthy, read more books, think more deeply, hone your skills?

We all need to keep moving forward personally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

Who challenges you to move beyond where you are right now? 

4. The Faithful Friend

Every woman needs a friend who will be there through thick and thin. Through the dark days, through the sick days, through the days you are having difficulty and just need someone to understand.

Not only is the faithful friend always there, but she’s loyal—meaning she would never talk behind your back or re-evaluate the friendship if she thinks she’s giving more than you are.

A faithful friend doesn’t keep track of how many times she has called you vs. how many times you take the initiative to call her.

She will pick up with you wherever the two of you left off.

The opposite of the faithful friend is the gossip or critic. Proverbs 16:28 says “a whisperer separates close friends.” Your faithful friend is the one who will never be whispering to others about you.

Who can you always depend on, regardless of season or schedule?

5. The “Faith-filled” Friend

Do you tend to be a worrier? Do you stress out when a situation seems out of control? If you hang around others who do the same, you will fuel each other’s fire of fear and doubt.

That’s why every woman needs a faith-filled friend who doesn’t worry or talk about the “what ifs,” but trusts in the Lord and helps fill up others with her faith.

When your concerns cross the line into worry, doubt, and fear, that’s when you need your faith-filled friend to remind you Who is ultimately in control. 

If you have at least one friend in each category above (or all the categories are covered by the few friends you have), you are rich beyond measure.

And if there’s a friend on that list that you don’t yet have, you know what to look for—and the kind of friend to be as well.

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the author of fifteen books, including her newest, Drama Free: Finding Peace When Emotions Overwhelm You, upon which this post is based.  For more on her ministry, discounts on her books, or free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.                        

All Graphics adapted, courtesy of Pixabay, except for the Faith-filled friend graphic, courtesy of Lightstock.