The 7 Friendships We All Need

In this Friendship UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson shares some important things she has learned about friendships, and the "Girlfriend Power" that comes when we cultivate a number of kinds of friendships—including friendship with Jesus Christ.

This article includes some general thoughts about friendship, the four levels of friendship, seven kinds of friendship, and a little about Jesus—the friend of sinners.

Some General Thoughts about Friendship

Our Father God created us to be social creatures. Friendship is an important element of that.

The New Testament gives us three words for "friends."

• A Phlios friend - This is a friendship that is endearing or dear.
• A Hetairos friend — This is more like companionship or partnership; a common goal, but not necessarily like a philos friend.
• A Peitho friend — This is someone we try to persuade or influence, and in some cases, it can disintegrate into manipulation (which is not something we want to do).

The Bible warns us about friends who that can corrupt us (1 Corinthians 15:33) or friends who can turn on us—"false friends" like Pharaoh's butler (Genesis 40:23), Ahithophel, David's counselor (2 Samuel 15:12), Judas Isariot (Matthew 26:48-49).

But positive friendships can build us up in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a—the qualities of genuine love.  

What should be the scope of our friendships?

We need to cultivate friendships in the world (while not becoming like the world)—with neighbors, co-workers, etc.,—so we can be used of God in their lives. We also need to cultivate friendships in the family of God (Psalm 119:63), which will be a great source of strength.

Potential friends might be introverts, extroverts (or ambiverts, a combination). You will be wise not to exclude people who are not "like you." God will lead you to the kinds of friends that you need the most, or that need you the most, so that you can minister well and bring Him praise.

Most people experience FOUR LEVELS OF FRIENDSHIP. Jesus, our example, experienced all four during His earthly ministry.

1. Acquaintances

These are people you say "hi" to all the time, or even a one-time contact. But don't take them lightly; they are likely divine appointments.

Like most of us, Jesus had many acquaintances, and He took time to interact with them. He asked simple questions to get to know them better (on a human level) or help them understand or evaluate their own needs.

In the story of the Samaritan woman (John 4:1-26), Jesus asked the woman at the well a simple question, "Will you give me a drink?" He asked blind Bartimaeus (Mark 10:46-52), "What do you want me to do for you?"—and then, responding to the man's faith, Jesus restored his sight.

You might ask an acquaintance general questions—like "Where do you work?" or "Can you help me with this?"—to open the door to getting to know her better in a public way.

2. Casual Friends 

These are most of the friendships you'll make. A casual friendship can develop quickly from acquaintances. (Note: Many friendships are begun and developed online that might be described as casual or a higher level, over time.)

It's been said that casual friendships are "soulish"—connections are made through the mind, will and emotions. Casual friends may have common interests or activities. They may express similar concerns.

Jesus told wealthy Zacchaeus He was going to visit in his home, but He recognized the tax collector's curiosity and eagerness, and He turned the conversation to spiriitual things (Luke 19:1-9). Jesus' acquaintance-level encounter with the inquiring Nicodemus led to a casual (but meaningful) conversation as He taught the Jewish council member biblical truths he'd missed (John 3:1-21).

Casual friendships are built by asking more personal questions: (1) to discover strengths and weaknesses, and (2) for mutual spiritual growth. For example, ask casual friends for their opinions and goals. Seek out ways to help them, pray for them, or encourage interest in the Bible.

Be trustworthy and many of these relationships will grow closer.

3. Close Friends

These are a smaller group of friends. While the first two levels can be with believers or non-believers, for the Christian, close friendships are meant to be "spiritual." A oneness of spirit develops IN the Spirit (2 Corinthians 13:14; Philippians 2:1-2; 1 John 1:5, 7).

Jesus' relationship with most of His disciples would be this kind of friendship; and Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were likely also close friends. Mary Magdalene was a committed follower too, and likely a close friend. There are many biblical examples of how He built into their lives in spiritual ways, encouraged them, and helped them understand biblical truth.

There's a higher level of responsibility in close friendships. We are instructed to exhort one another and  "provoke one another" to love and good works (Hebrews 3:13; 10:24).

At this level, friends should invest in each other. Perhaps they might join in a Bible study togehter or work on a projects together that lead to mutual maturity and spiritual success.

4. Intimate Friends

At each level, the number of friends decreases. Jesus seemed to have a special friendship with an "inner circle" of friends. These kinds of friends are special and rare.

Three disciples are mentioned as being with Jesus at extraordinary times when His glory and power were manifest, and when He was sorrowful and needing physical strength. These three—Peter, James, and his brother, John—were with Him at the Transfiguration (Mark 9:2-13; Luke 9:28), when He raised Jairus' daughter (Mark 5:37; Luke 8:51), and during His agony in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-38).

A natural-born and proud leader, Peter led the disciples in a profound statement of faith (Matthew 16:17-19); but the Lord—in His sovereign love for His friend—had to take Peter through a tough learning process, teaching him humility after he denied the Lord (Luke 22:54-62).

The "sons of thunder"—James and John—were likely together with Jesus a lot. John was described as the "one Jesus loved" (John 13:23)—they were essentially "best friends." It was to this John that He entrusted the care of His earthly mother (John 19:26). Faithful James was the first martyr for his testimony of faith in Jesus (Acts 12:2).

With our intimate friends, our goal is to help each other mature in godly character and obey the Lord. This may take on many forms: Correction or pointing out "blind spots;" Helping discern root causes and suggesting biblical solutions; Honest conversations with humility; Discretion and discernment, etc. And loyalty, faithfulness, and prayer are givens.

(Note: In general, women's friendships tend to be more intimate and involve more emotional sharing than men's friendships, and women generally self-disclose more than men, especially in intimate relationships. Some caution should be taken to keep these intimate friendships pure and God-honoring.)

We all need a lot of different kinds of friends, because NO ONE earthly friend can meet all our needs ... except Jesus.

Expecting any one friend to be all things to you isn't fair or wise.

There are at least seven kinds of friends we all need (though not necessarily at the same time).

As you read through these descriptions, ask THREE QUESTIONS:

• Who has been that kind of friend to you?
• Does someone consider YOU this kind of friend?
• Is there a type of friendship you might need to cultivate?
  

The Seven Friendships You Need

Try to intentionally cultivate these kinds of friendships:

1. A LAUGHING Friend — Someone who helps you create fun times.

You might say to her, "I love to be with you. You make me laugh!"

Maybe she's funny. Maybe she's witty. Maybe she has a unique and refreshing way to look at circumstances that makes you giggle or laugh. She enters into your joy.

Joy is a healthy thing, and some friends will lead you to joy easier than others. Sing to the Lord in joy together. Rejoice in Him together. (Proverbs 17:22a; Psalm 5:11)

2. A LOYAL Friend — Someone you can count on!

She's someone who says, "Don't worry, I'll stick with you through this" or "I'll stand by you, no matter what."

You know you are safe with her. You can trust her to be there for you. (It's been said that a good friend is like a good bra—she'll never let you down!)

She might even rush to defend you when you're attacked (or help you trust the Lord in the midst of it).

Proverbs 18:24 says unreliable friends can lead to our ruin, but "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (Yes, we use that in regard to Jesus, but the principle is true for us too.)

3. A LOVING Friend — Someone who truly cares about you and shows it in loving ways.

If her heart could speak to you, it would say, "No matter what, I choose to love you."

She isn't put off by your foibles and failures. She knows you'll make mistakes. She know you might even hurt her. She sees past all that (Proverbs 17:17a) and simply loves you with the love of Christ. She selflessly loves you as Jesus loves her (John 13:34). 

King David and Saul's son Jonathan had a great friendship because Jonathan's love for David was "wonderful"—strong and courageous love (2 Samuel 1:26).

4. A LEARNING Friend — Someone who cares enough to confront you, desiring to help you grow in Christ.

At first, you might feel uncomfortable with such a friend, but with maturity you will treasure her wisdom and discernment.

She says, "I will always speak truth into your life."

She's not afraid to challenge or warn you. But she isn't caustic or harsh. She speaks words of truth in love to help you mature (Ephesians 4:15). She speaks words of hope, grace and truth, and she'll suggest ways you might apply truth (Proverbs 25:11-12).

This is the friend who takes the risk to share what you need to know, but then gives you room to change without pressuring you. The Bible describes this special interaction as "wounds from a friend" and iron sharpening iron (Proverbs 27:6a, 17).

5. A LISTENING Friend — Someone who listens to your heart, not just your words.

She might say, "I'm not only listening; I really HEAR you."

She's quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19)—carefully weighing any advice—because she wants you to know you're valued and really heard. She wants you to get it all out on the table. She enters into your sorrows.

[In a delightful scripture, Exodus 33:11, we see the Lord speaking to Moses, face to face, "as one speaks to a friend." It was up to Moses to listen. If we would be a friend of God, we need to carefully listen when He speaks to us in the Word—intending to obey.]

Remember that a good "listening" friend is also discreet and confidential.

6. A LEANING Friend — Someone you can "lean into" for practical help and emotional support.

She says, "I'll help you, and if you need me to be strong for you, I'm here!"

She is available to pray for you, serve or minister to you in times of need.

This is where spiritual gifts can play out to encourage our friends (Romans 12:6-8; 1 Corinthians 12:8-10; 1 Peter 4:11).

Not only does your helpful sister-friend love you, she is born for a time of adversity you might face  (Proverbs 17:17). Don't be afraid to ask for her help.

7. A LIFTING Friend — Someone who encourages you and lifts you up. She's your human sparkplug and your  "cheerleader."

She says things like, "I know you can do it" and "I'm in your corner!"

She refreshes you with encouraging counsel (Proverbs 27:9), rejoices with you (Romans 12:15a) when you accomplish great things. She helps you back up when you fall (Ecclesiastes 4:10) and help you find solutions.

What qualities do you treasure in your friends? How do you let them know you appreciate them?

A Few More Tips

• Don't make close friendships with angry, hot-tempered people (Proverbs 22:24-25). Toxic friends poison or sabotage your life ... to deal with them, think: "What would Jesus do?"
• Don't gossip with (or about) friends (Proverbs 16:28).
• Act friendly—good friendships take effort, so study how to be a good friend (Proverbs 18:24a).
• Ask God to help you choose friends wisely (Proverbs 13:20).
• Always forgive your friends (Proverbs 18:19). Remember: the friends we keep the longest are friends who forgave us the most.

The ULTIMATE Friend

Speaking of forgiveness, Jesus is the ultimate Friend, the "Friend of Sinners" (Luke 7:31-34).

• Jesus wants to rejoice with you.
• He is loyal to you and will stick closer than your nearest relative.
• He will always love you unconditionally.
• Jesus is your wise and wonderful counselor.
• You can pray to Him and He listens.
• He wants to encourage and bless you.
• He invests in your life.
• He invites you to trust Him, lean on Him.

Do you know this "Ultimate Friend"?

The Lord wants us to enjoy many kinds of friendships, including His own.

Jesus said to His followers,

"This is my command. Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends. ... You are My friends when you do the things I command you" (John 15:12-14, Msg).

It's very clear. The best "Girlfriend Power" begins with God's Love!

Now ... go back and re-read the questions about friendship (before the seven types of friends).

Did you discover some powerful friends you didn't realize you have? Did you discover new ways to be a powerful friend? Do you need to cultivate these friendships? How's your friendship with Jesus going?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Your Marriage: Pulling Apart or Pulling Together?

In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson asks married couples to examine their relationships to see if they are healthy and supportive—pulling together or pulling apart.

"When we pull apart in willful self-interest, we impede progress, but when we pull together, we can accomplish much to the glory of God."

One night when I couldn't sleep, I turned on the TV and watched the program Dogs 101 on the Animal Planet channel.

I couldn't stop laughing as I watched one segment about the training of sled dog puppies.

Two adorable pups were gently linked with a rope. They instantly tugged and pulled, trying to get away from each other. They snipped at each other and barked, each trying to get the other to stop being stubborn and go their way.

As a result, they were stuck pretty much in one spot.

But the trainers didn't give up. They kept linking the dogs every day until suddenly, the pups realized if they pulled together, they'd get somewhere. At that point, the pups almost seemed to celebrate, and they were finally enjoying each other's company. They scampered together all over the yard.

They were on their way to becoming successful members of "a sled team."

I thought, "How like a marriage."

We have it in our power to make tremendous progress as "a marriage team" and do great exploits for the Lord when we pull together.

But the opposite is also true. When we are selfish and demand our own way, we hinder what God might want to do through our marriage—and through our spouse.

The sad truth is, when a couple pulls apart, their marriage can easily come apart!

In 2020 amid the lockdowns and restrictions with the COVID-19 pandemic, many couples experienced tremendous stress. For too many, that led to divorce.

According to an article at WebMd, sales of online self-help divorce agreements rose by 34% in the spring of 2020 compared to 2019; and family lawyers surveyed in April and July reported a 25% to 35% increase in requests to start divorce proceedings.

This wasn't just among unbelievers.

The website FamilyLife shared an article by Sabrina Beasley McDonald to its Christian audience about not becoming a coronavirus divorce statistic.

I wondered if the pandemic simply amplified what was already going on in our homes.

Pam Farrel—co-founder of Love-Wise with her husband, Bill, and co-author of Marriage Meet Ups— addressed this problem.

"Many who are seeking divorce say, 'We just drifted apart,'" she said.

"So if we drifted away from one another, we can set a course to drift back together. We can choose to set a course of marital success, intimacy, and unity in love."

Dr. Crawford Loritts, pastor of Fellowship Bible Church in Roswell, Georgia, said there's always a measure of conflict in a marriage. Early on in their relationship, he and his wife had times when they didn't see eye to eye. He admitted they knew there'd be stress, but early on, "we didn't know what to do."

But Crawford and Karen were determined to protect their marriagew. As a result, stress didn't drive them apart; it drove them to their knees—together.

Joni Eareckson Tada wrote about the early days of the pandemic when the "short fuses, bruised feelings, sharp words, and cold shoulders" in her marriage with Ken became "almost commonplace that first week of sheltering in place."

After a while, they grew tired of pulling together. Ken especially was getting weary since he had to constantly care for Joni—which involves a lot!—because her regular caretakers weren't able to come during the lockdown.

But Joni and Ken prioritized their love. They quickly realized they had to "get a grip."

They came to God's Word as a couple and focused on the word "persevering" (James 1:12). They found new strength and decided not to allow the devil to drive a wedge between them.

There is so much that could be written about how to build a marriage relationship. Ministries like Focus on the Family and the Farrels' love-wise.com share great insights.

The main purpose of this post is to invite readers to examine where they might be pulling apart in their marriage—and how they can determine to pull together. I'm not an expert on marriage, but God is! Be sure to seek His wisdom.

Sometimes what creates a "pulling together" marriage is simply the willingness of a couple to regularly take stock of their marriage and make adjustments.  

Helpful Questions, Suggestions, and Scriptures

Q#1. What actions in our marriage show we are being selfish as individuals and not cooperative or sensitive to our spouse's needs?

Be specific about those actions, but share them in a loving way (1 Corinthians 13:6; Ephesians 4:15; 1 John 3:18).

Avoid harsh accusation. When sharing, say, "I feel that ...." rather than "You always/never ....."

Q#2. What words to each other serve to push us away from each other rather than drawing us closer in our relationship?

Make a conscious effort to listen in conversations (Proverbs 12:15; 18:13; 17:28). Be "quick to listen" (James 1:19).

Are you kind and forgiving—offering grace to your partner—or are you using put-downs and playing a blame game? (Proverbs 21:23; Ephesians 4:32; James 1:26)

Do you have unreasonable expectations for your spouse? Are they simply your preferences? How would you know your expectations are reasonable or not? What does God and His Word say about your expectations?

Q#3. How does our level of intimacy (personal/sexual, etc.) reflect that we are pulling apart or pulling together?

Consider the reasons (which are not excuses) for a lack of intimacy or diminished intimacy. (Intimacy may be revealed in verbal expressions; loving gestures; intimate conversations, etc.).

Study God's perspective on sexuality in marriage. The sexual relationship—especially a lack of sexual intimacy—might be an indicator of damaging stress in the relationship.

Don't allow pornography or adultery or any sexual immorality to rob your marriage of godly intimacy (Hebrews 13:4; Matthew 5:28; Proverbs 5:15-19; 1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).

Be willing to discuss sexual issues with your spouse for the health of your marriage—and don't be afraid to discuss it with a Christian counselor, if necessary.

Here's a helpful article with steps to rekindle intimacy.

Q#4. Are we just "getting along," or are we intentionally growing a stronger bond to help us face tough times?

This is just logical. If we do not intentionally put as much effort into marriage as a job, parenting, friendships, hobbies, etc., how can we expect it to be successful?

We marry our partners for their strengths, but sometimes flinch over their weaknesses. God designed marriage to be a greenhouse for growth. Consider how you might help your partner—with his/her permission—grow into maturity in Christ.

A good marriage requires continuing investment—nurture yours daily in many practical ways (serving, encouraging, challenging, giving, etc.). Use your spiritual gift/s in positive and productive  ways.

Q#5. What are our godly rules of engagement for dealing with offenses in our marriage?

Every couple experiences times of confrontation, and attitudes are important. Do you "fight fair"?

How will you know when you've overstepped loving boundaries?

For starters, read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a —as you work through problems, be loving, patient, humble, calm, forgiving, and unselfish. Honor and protect your marriage, and place trust and hope in your partner for the best for your marriage.

Q#6. What tools that God has given us do we regularly use to pull together in our marriage?

Here are some tools for growth: prayer together, reading and discussing scripture together, attending church and/or Bible studies together, and meeting with people in the family of faith who can mentor us or demonstrate a strong marriage.

Q#7. How will we know when our marriage is in trouble... and what will we do?

Take time to discuss your own marriage "stress points."

Discuss and pray about mutual accountability to build up each other and your marriage (Proverbs 27:17; Galatians 6:1-2; Ephesians 4:25; 1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Decide now when you will call for help so you can better learn how to pull together. What is the trigger for intervention?

Be careful, friend.

No matter how strong you think your marriage is right not, the enemy wants to destroy it.

• Don't take anything for granted.
• Don't assume your partner is on the same page regarding your marriage.
• Work at your marriage every day.
• Spread everything about your marriage before the Lord and ask for wisdom! (James 1:5)

Remember those sled dogs!

Pulling different directions may be comical in pups, but not in marriage partners.

Which of those seven questions struck a chord in your heart? Is there something to begin working on today?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Violetta at Pixabay.

Christmas? No Sweat!

In this Christmas UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson encourages practical and biblical responses to the holiday season that can reduce stress, even in a pandemic!

Last year, my Christmas looked so different. Circumstances made my family adapt and change so many aspects of the holiday season.

Preparing for a stem cell transplant, and caring for my husband who developed a serious physical issue that required hospitalization, I did all I could to reduce stress and still enjoy the holiday.

• Some family traditions were either set aside or left to others to fulfill.
• I put up the Christmas tree in September, because originally, my transplant was to be in October  (and then it was changed to December, and ultimately January)!
• I didn't have much energy, so I only put up one fourth of my holiday decor... and found I didn't miss the other things.
• I only made half of the holiday foods and treats I usually would make.
• We didn't put up out complicated outdoor Nativity display—disappointing our neighbors, but necessary.

During that December, I thought a lot about what makes Christmas — "Christmas."

This year, I prayed and decided to allow God to show me what is important, and what are simply "stress-builders." 

As a recovering perfectionist, I thought I had given all my expectations to the Lord, but I soon discovered my desires for the "perfect Christmas" still demanded my attention. And those unreasonable desires created stress.

That had to change.

God may bring certain stresses into our lives with purpose—usually to teach us something or mature us in our faith. But most of our stresses are of our own doing.

God wants to help us reduce or eliminate unnecessary stresses at Christmas. The Christmas season affords us many choices.

Here's how the Lord spoke to my heart.

Intentional CHOICES Can Eliminate Holiday Stress

1. Settle Who’s in Charge.

I've noticed how many of us would absolutely say, "Jesus is Lord," but we might not allow Him to take control of our Christmas celebration. We know what we want to do—why consult Him?

How ironic that we celebrate the One who came to lead us into peace, joy and love; and yet when we "take charge" we often leave Him out. And we can end up with stress and all sorts of other emotional issues.

Jesus said, "apart from Me, you can do nothing" (John 15:5), but we think we're more than capable of handling the holidays without even a simple prayer for His guidance and help.

The Lord wants to help us with our Christmas plans and relieve our stress, but we have to place our confidence in Him to know what is best for us and our families. We need to ask, listen, and obey.

Surrender your Christmas to the Lord; give Him your burdens and find rest (Matthew 11:28).

When we acknowledge God's sovereign control by faith, we may eliminate many of the holiday worries that cause us stress.

CHOOSE TRUST.

2. Stop Pursuing Perfectionism.

As I mentioned, perfectionism used to keep my head spinning. In pursuit of the "perfect" tree, dinner, gifts, etc., I pretty much ruined how I experienced so many Christmases.

No one and nothing is perfect on this earth. Only God is perfect.

We have expectations for ourselves and for others, and when those hopes or expectations aren't met, we can get heartsick with disappointment (Proverbs 13:12). (Worse, we can get angry when we don't get our way.)

I used to say, "Dawn, choose your battles at Christmas!"

Now I say, "Dawn, watch your expectations."

As we stop pursuing perfectionism, we can give everything our best effort and then relax. My new goal is to do my very best and leave the results to God.

There's nothing wrong with hard work and diligence toward a goal. That's not the same as perfectionism that drives and pressures us.

CHOOSE DILIGENCE.

3. Savor Simplicity.

Sometimes we get so elaborate, people and godly purposes get lost in the process.

Simplifying our lives is one of the best ways to remove stress.

Christmas isn't about complicated decorations and meals. It's about appreciating God's provisions and making memorable moments with the people we love.

Christmas memories are made in quiet chats with grandparents, fun baking sessions, walks in snow (or in San Diego, on the beach), drive in neighborhoods to see Christmas lights and other enjoyable moments. None of that needs to be complicated.

One of the unexpected sources of stress is the problem of "too much." I noticed something this year. I had so much Christmas decor put up, I lost sight of most of it.

It was a sparkly blur!

A wise fashion consultant once told me, "When you dress up to go out, before you go out the door, take off one piece of jewelry or accessory." She knew how easy it is to overdo, especially when we celebrate.

The concept of "less is more" works in fashion, home and Christmas decoration, and so many other areas of life.

God wants us to be content with what we have (1 Timothy 6:8) and be appreciative of the powerful simplicity in the birth of Christ (Luke 2:11).

So realistically, we don't need much to enjoy Christmas. But also—partly because of Covid-19 restrictions—we don't need a full calendar. Yes, there will be activities, especially if we have grandchildren. But sometimes drinking a cup of cocoa in front of the fireplace or munching on a Christmas cookie while watching a timeless holiday movie is all we need.

CHOOSE CONTENTMENT.

4. Set Wise Boundaries.

Setting wise boundaries helps reduce stress. I want to focus on just three areas for boundaries.

(1) Watch your budget. 

We don't need to go beyond our means. When we overspend, we not only lose sight of wise choices now, we have to deal with the stress of bills after Chrismas! Set boundaries on your checkbook and credit cards!

Ask God for wisdom (James 1:5) in the use of resources—practice good stewardship.

We seldom need "more." We often need a greater appreciation for what we already have.

Instead of buying more decor this year, I reduced what I have. A local charity got three boxes full of decorations others might appreciate, and I plan to go through my possessions this week to find coats, sweaters, blankets, mittens and other items the homeless might need as the weather turns chilly.

(2) Cut the Clutter.

Look around your room after decorating for the holiday. Does it feel "fussy"—more like a Christmas shop of displays than a home? (I'm so guilty of the over-do at Christmas!)

I know this is an individual thing, and you may want to keep heirlooms and antiques; but if your decor feels like clutter or even hoarding, rethink what you're keeping. You may need to set some boundaries for new purchases—after you cut the clutter now!

Christmas, like life, does not consist of an abundance of things (see Luke 12:15).

Notice the things that may still be in Christmas storage boxes or tubs. Why are they here? If they're not being used, do you really need them?

If you feel your decor is beyond healthy boundaries, here are a few ideas to pare down.

• Take pictures of groupings of items and email or text those photos to family members to see if they want some of your items. (You're just checking, not pressuring.)
• Can some things (good quality) be re-gifted?
• Consider giving to a charity where people can purchase decor at low cost, or use your "treasures" as gifts.
• Note: Sometimes taking a photo for a photo book to preserve and trigger memories can be just as satisfying as keeping the actual thing.

Simplifying by reducing or eliminating things—even well past Christmas—is a good way to get rid of a subtle kind of stress.

(3) Examine your relationships.

In some families, unhealthy relationships are strained throughout the year, and at Christmas, that stress can go over the top!

Set healthy boundaries, even with those you love.

• There's nothing wrong with valuing your time and doing what is best for you and your family. Don't be afraid to be clear about your time, needs or familiy's needs.
• Be kind and gentle (Ephesians 4:32; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7); but don't be afraid to say "no," when necessary.
• Antipate how relationship issues might trigger problems when you get together, and come up with good strategies to make these sticky interactions less stressful.
• Read scriptures about the tongue before Christmas—like "a gentle answer turns away wrath"(Proverbs 15:1)—because good communication goes a long way.)

We can make many wise choices when it comes to spending, our possessions, and relationships. God's Word has practical instruction.

CHOOSE DISCERNMENT.

5. Seek Moderation.

We tend to excuse bad habits during the holidays, thinking over-indulgence will lead to more joy. But overstuffed tummies and late-night binge-watching set us up for physical stress that don't help us.

Wise choices help us avoid upset stomachs and bleary eyes.

What we need is self-restraint, self-control. We can still rejoice and celebrate while practicing moderation (Philippians 4:4-5; 1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

• Yes, we can enjoy a reasonable meal and beverage—small portions; waiting between bites; focusing on people more than the food.
• Yes, we can have dessert—leaving room for it as we enjoy our meal.
• Yes, we can plan opportunities for special Christmas programs—but beware of mindless eating on the couch!

If we seek ways to practice moderation in our celebration, we'll likely be glad we did.

CHOOSE SELF-CONTROL.

6. See Christmas through Others’ Eyes.

It's easy to turn inward and only see our own circumstances. It helps to pause and think about others who have needs too. How can we relieve their stresses?

First, if you have children, intentionally take time to discuss the holiday with them.

• Many children are struggling during the coronavirus. Are they feeling additional stress this Christmas? Can you relieve some of their stress?
• What makes Christmas special for them? More than how many gifts they get (or how big), what activities with you will make these weeks memorable?
• How can you better help them embrace the true meaning of Christmas? How can you help them understand that because Jesus came, we have hope and help.

When it comes to gifts, be careful not to stoke unreasonable or unhealthy expectations. Focus on loving your children, not showering them with "more." Love may include giving, but love does not equal things.

Also, ask God to help you see other people through HIS eyes. Then, as you move through the season, determine to see Christmas through the eyes of those around you:

• a weary or struggling spouse,
• family members who have experienced loss,
• a needy family in your church,
• a homeless person or family,
• a widow or widower,
• an orphan,
• an elderly shut-in or someone who is sick,
• someone deployed in the military, or
• a single person who might be lonely.

Because of Covid-19, many are hurting. Some feel desperate. Many have lost family members or jobs.

Be kind and compassionate, ready to counsel and comfort others during the holiday (2 Corinthians 1:3-4; Colossians 3:12).

CHOOSE LOVE.

We don't have to "sweat" the holidays because of stress. We can relax and choose biblical responses like trust, diligence, contentment, discernment, self-control and love that will bring us a greater measure of joy and peace.

What is causing you stress so far this holiday season? Which biblical response could help you today?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Gratitude Is God's Will for His Children

In this Thanksgiving UPGRADE, Dawn reminds us of an important biblical truth about gratitude.

Last night, my pity party was fully operational. I wasn't enjoying the party, but I didn't know how to leave.

I pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep, but sleep wouldn't come—only tears.

"Father, this is hard," I prayed.

I fully expected the months after my stem cell transplant would enable my body to fully rejuvenate. Instead—with side effects from my daily maintenance chemo pill—I've felt tired and weak. If I don't take a nap around 2:00, I'll be ready for bedtime by six. Add to that increasing arthritic pain and sometimes I go "over the edge" emotionally.

It's not that I'm any worse than others.

Through her Facebook posts, I've "watched" a friend battle Covid-19 in the hospital. She's an example of godliness with uncommon joy. Another friend who has already gone through so much just had emergency cancer surgery; but she continues to encourage others. Another writes about how God is meeting her financial needs after losing a job. Another struggles in caregiving while wondering about her own physical need.

By comparison, my struggle feels small.

But last night, for about an hour, I felt robbed of joy and battled depression. The enemy was having his way with my emotions, and I didn't like it. Thankfully, I prayed.

"Father, my body hurts. My 'heart' hurts too. Please help me."

And more tears came.

But then I heard this:

"Gratitude is My will for you."

I instantly knew what He was saying.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

We so often say we want to know God's will, but then when we know it, how do we respond?

I've learned that surrender and obedience to God's will is the only pathway to peace, joy and hope.

Christ-followers are wise to apply 1 Thessalonians 5:18 in the hard times:

• When disease cripples,
• When disappointment comes,
• When disaster looms, and
• Even in the face of death.

I remember an article by Jon Bloom. It reminded me of the time Jesus gave thanks as He broke bread for His diciples in that solemn upper room, and then said:

This is my body, which is given for you. This do in remembrance of me (Luke 22:19a).

About to suffer a painful, horrific death, Jesus thanked God. Because of His words, I don't think His gratitude was just about the bread.

Perhaps He thought about the glory that would be His because of the cross, and the grace He would offer to others for salvation. He thought about the times in the future when His people would break bread in remembrance of His sacrifice. He focused on "the joy set before Him" (Hebrews 12:2).

Gratitude lifts us out of our circumstances into a heavenly, God-focused perspective.

Paul said we are to give thanks IN all circumstances—not necessarily FOR all circumstances—because this is the Father's good will for us.

Gratitude reminds us of the many undeserved blessings we have received because we are "in Christ Jesus."

Sometimes gratitude is the overflow of our hearts. Other times it is a matter of obedience until our hearts catch up with the truth we know.

So—with the covers still over my head—I chose to praise God for who He is. He is worthy of praise and thanksgiving because He is good and loving (Psalm 106:1).

And then I chose to enumerate my blessings big and small, thanking God for each one.

Here are just a few:

• The mercies of God and forgiveness of sin.
• A faithful pastor and caring church. Brothers and sisters in the Lord.
• A husband who dwells with me "according to knowledge," provides for me and helps me.
• Family members who love and care for one another.
• Meaningful work to do. Opportunities to write and serve.
• Friends who share in my joys and sorrows through prayer and encouraging words.
• My warm home. Carpeting instead of a dirt floor. A well-stocked pantry. An inviting patio and yard.
• A car that functions well.
• The beauties of nature. Beaches and mountains. Sunrises and sunsets. Singing birds and my sweet pup.
• Grace to endure. The ability to type for a while before the pain in my hand begins. A mind that still functions, with only occasional brain fog.
• Foods I love. Cherry Pie. Corn on the cob. Cherry Chocolate Chip ice cream. Golden Kiwifruit. Blueberries. Belgian chocolates.

My list went on and on.

Thankful When It's Hard

And then I heard the Spirit again.

"Can you thank me in your PAIN?"

It's hard to be thankful when life's hard!

I didn't thank God for my pain, but I thanked Him for the lessons I'm learning in my pain.

I thanked Him:

• For using suffering to draw me to His caring heart.
• For giving me compassion for others who hurt.
• For teaching me to ask Him for each "next step" instead of rushing ahead with my plans as I used to do.
• For wisdom and strength to live in day-tight compartments.
• For things that haven't happened as well as things that have. (We often forget about that!)
  

And I thanked Him that someday He will remove all pain, all suffering, death and every tear (1 Corinthians 15:54; Isaiah 25:8; Revelation 21:1-5).

Jon Bloom wrote that Jesus got through the cross "not by focusing on the cross but on the promised joy that would result from it. That's where God wants your eyes: on the future joy He has promised you."

It's a focus that lifts our struggles to a better place—the HIGHER PLANE OF GRATITUDE.

Gratitude changes our attitude, and it also illustrates biblical truth to the world.

"The kingdom of God is most clearly shown on earth," Bloom said, "when Christians gratefully suffer present trouble because they see a future weight of glory coming that makes everything this world throws at them as 'light momentary afflictions' in comparison (2 Corinthians 4:17)."

This Thanksgiving, many are struggling.

• Some are overwhelmed by concerns about the November 3 election.
• Some are frustrated or fearful of Covid-19, or even angry about lockdowns.
• Some are struggling financially with a lost job or pandemic-affected business.
• Some have relationships that need mending, healing, and hope.
• Some fight depression that seems to have no end.
• Some are battling aging, ailing bodies.

Yet Paul says in all these things and more, we are "more than conquerors" as we trust the Lord and walk in the Spirit one day, one step at a time (Romans 8:31-39). (Talk about a change of focus!)

I am choosing to be a grateful "conqueror" by faith.

I believe our Father has a plan. He is sovereign and in control. And He wants us to be grateful in the process as He works out His will.

So I'm not going to let the enemy or my circumstances rob me of one bit of joy this Thanksgiving.

Sometimes knowing God's will is hard.

But this is clear: Gratitude is God's will.

What are you going through right now? How does the truth that gratitude is God's will for you encourage you to choose to give thanks in your circumstance—right now, no matter how you feel?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Too Soon Old und Too Late Shmart

In this Wisdom UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson encourages the pursuit of wisdom—as early as possible!

Today is my birthday, and I've been thinking a lot about aging and what it means. As I meditated on God's purposes in my life going forward, a favorite proverb came to mind:

"We grow too soon old und too late shmart."

It is sometimes attributed to Chinese, Japanese, Swedish, Danish, and Jewish sources, but usually, it's considered a "Pennsylvania Dutch" proverb—often seen on their pottery and souvenirs. My German-Dutch grandparents on my dad's side used to talk about being "shmart."

I went to college in Pennsylvania, about two hours north of Lancaster County—sometimes known as "Amish Country." As I understand it, the Pennsylvania Dutch aren't necessarily Amish, but the Amish are Pennsylvania Dutch—but they're not really Dutch. They're German!

The Pennsylvania "Deutsch" (or Pennsylvania Germans) are the descendants of German-speaking immigrants.

I toured Amish Country and had fun learning Pennsylvania Dutch expressions during my two years at college. I remember these two:

"Eat yourself full."

"Outen the lights."

I used to say those two phrases all the time.

But it was their proverbs that captured my thoughts.

• Good marriage counsel for women: "Kissin' wears out—cookin' don't."
• Good marriage counsel for men: "A plump wife and a big barn never did any man any harm."

As I noted, my favorite proverb was "We grow too soon old und too late shmart," because I was at college and focusing on getting smart!

I should have focused on getting wise.  

Smart and wise are not the same thing.

My years of schooling taught me many things. I love to read non-fiction, and I remember that as a young girl, I devoured my Grandma Parks' "Lincoln Library" in her attic. This early encyclopedia-type resource encouraged my intellectual curiosity. I felt I couldn't learn enough! And I learned a lot of "facts."

But now, I wish I'd pursued wisdom at that young age.

Not that being smart is bad. In fact, smartness isn't just the facts we learn in school. "Street smarts" is a thing. And people are gifted with all kinds of intelligences.

One source says there are nine types of intelligence.

Wisdom, however, goes beyond intelligence, and the Bible rates it more valuable than "smartness."

• A person can have an extremely high IQ and still be counted a fool.
• A person can be a genius and have no sense.
• Some intellectually-superior people have even been considered evil. (Hitler was thought to be a genius in certain respects.)
• On the other hand, those who might be considered unlearned or slow can be truly wise.

The words "wise" and "wisdom" appear in scripture more than 450 times, so it's something the Lord wants us to consider.

The writer of Proverbs described four animals as "wise" (Proverbs 30:24-28) to illustrate the practical application of wisdom for us.

Biblical wisdom is about understanding how to behave and choose correctly in different circumstances. It's also about knowing how to complete God-given tasks well.

I think my version of that old German proverb might be: "Too soon old and too late WISE!"

There are people who face eternity with very little wisdom, because they failed to avail themselves of the wisdom that comes from God.

But as long as we're alive, we don't have to get stuck there. Our IQ might stay the same until we die, but we can always increase in wisdom—to mature and go beyond the "milk" of the Word to "meat" (Job 32:7; Hebrews 5:12).

Wisdom is so needed today.

• Wisdom is something we need to teach our children.
• Wisdom is so needed in our churches—what we need to hear proclaimed from our pulpits.
• Wisdom is what we need to manifest in our communities to the glory of God.

Here are some biblical facts about Wisdom.

1. Wisdom for living begins with knowing God and having reverence and healthy "fear" of Him (Proverbs 9:10). His Word makes even simple people wise (Psalm 19:7b). We need to choose wisdom and learn from it.
2. When we choose wisdom, we'll soon discover so many blessings from its presence in our lives (Proverbs 8:12-21; 32-36; 24:14). Wisdom is better than fine gold! (Proverbs 16:16)
   
3. There has been much talk in this year during the Covid-19 pandemic of what is "essential." The Bible says wisdom is essential, because if we fail to find and apply it, we "love death" (Proverbs 8:36).
4. One of the qualities of God is wisdom (Psalm 104:24; Proverbs 3:19; Job 12:13; Daniel 2:20; Romans 16:27); and Paul said "all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge" are found in Christ (Colossians 2:2-3).
5. We can ask for His wisdom—wisdom from above (James 1:5). He is the giver of wisdom (Proverbs 2:6; Ephesians 1:17).

Today, my birthday, I am recommiting to a scripture the Lord reminded me about last year when I faced a diagnosis of Multiple Myeloma.

In those early days, I didn't know how long I'd live. It was a hard concept to think about. Then I read Psalm 90:12.

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.

A heart of wisdom. That's what I wanted more than anything. It became a precious thought, replacing my concerns about the length of my life.

Later, the Lord gave me another verse:

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil (Ephesians 5:15-16).

If ever we needed wisdom, it is in these chaotic days. We need more than human intelligence, because God's thoughts and ways are not our thoughts and ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). We desperately need His perfect wisdom and perspective.

Wisdom sets people apart from people who are merely "smart."

Two of Jesus' disciples, Peter and John, were courageous in sharing the Gospel. People around them wondered at them, noting they were "unschooled and ordinary men," but what a difference being with Jesus made in their lives (Acts 4:13).

Spending time with the Lord and His Word will give us courage, but also wisdom. He IS our wisdom from God (1 Corinthians 1:30).

So I'm older today and maybe a little smarter; but my joy is to know wisdom can increase as I allow God's Word to transform my thinking (Romans 12:2) and help me please the Lord.

Can you pray this with me?

Lord, I want a heart of wisdom!

Are you wise? How can your wisdom increase?

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic of cross-stitched piece from Unique Treasures PA, on Etsy.