Façades: Laying Down the Mask

With the rise of Facebook, people always see our better side, but do we really minister to people that way? Melissa Mashburn encourages us to lay down our phony masks in this Ministry UPGRADE.

“Ministry is tough,” Melissa says. “I get it. But it’s time we start to lay down the masks and put away the façades so people can see us—the real us—the us that Jesus has changed.”

 Oh, how I (Dawn) have seen this issue hinder relationships and ministry in the church. Jesus is calling us to get real!

Melissa continues . . .

 If you’ve spent any time in ministry, especially with women, chances are you’ve been hurt, burned, back-stabbed or misunderstood.

It’s painful. It’s brutal. It flat out sucks the wind from your sails. And in order to protect yourself from getting hurt again, you put up a façade.

Chances are you probably don’t even remember when you started to wear that mask, but to protect your heart, you did.

I did it too. After fifteen years in ministry, I have seen it all, experienced a lot of incredibly tough stuff and had my heart broken many times.

I built a protective barrier around myself—the façade—in order to keep people from getting close to the real me.

In doing so, though, I also kept myself completely isolated. That led to feelings of loneliness, isolation and, at times, even depression. It wasn’t until about six years ago I decided to lay down the mask and let God show me how to put away the façade.

Paul told the Roman Christians,

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other” (Romans 12:9-10 NLT).

In other words, God tells us,

“Lay down your mask! Get real! Love people!”

If you are struggling with this like I have, here are a few things to help you as you learn to lay down your mask.

1. Pray First

Ask God to open your heart and allow you the opportunity to just be you. Ask Him to be your protector, and to also bring you a few truly special, safe friends who can come around you as you take these steps.

2. Talk to Your Spouse or Close Family Member

If you’re married, talk it over with your spouse. Ask him to be a part of the process with you and seek out his prayers.

If you’re not married, talk it over with a close family member who understands you and your struggle to be more authentic in ministry.

3. Talk to Your Pastor

If you’re in ministry at a local church, I encourage you to talk it over with your pastor. Ask him to pray for you as you step into new territory in ministry.

This takes another step of vulnerability. I understand that. But by bringing your pastor in on this process, he can help you venture into new territory.

4. Give Yourself Time

If you’ve been in ministry for more than ten years, you’ve probably slowly built up the façade. It’s not going to just disappear; it will take time.

Make sure you allow yourself time to release years of protective layers around your heart.

5. Give It All Back to God

Whatever steps you make, and however long it takes, if God has called you to ministry, He has equipped you to do it as well.

Celebrate the small steps. Give Him all the glory and continue moving forward.

I know it’s not going to be easy—it wasn’t for me either—but the women God has brought into our lives are desperate for women in ministry to be real, to show them what it is like to live out ordinary lives with God at the forefront.

Let’s take this step together and see what God will do.

Are you wearing a mask today? What is keeping you behind the façade? What will you do to “get real” so God can minister through your transformed life?

Melissa Mashburn passionately pursues God daily, taking her ordinary life and placing it as her offering to Him. She is an author, speaker, mom, pastor’s wife and trained communicator through CLASSeminars, with extensive background in Womens, Kids and Volunteer Ministry. Her passion is helping women “keep it real” in their lives and ministries. Melissa is married to her best friend, Matt (22 years) and they have two adult sons, Nick & Bailey. She loves to relax with a great book and giant cup of coffee. You can find her at Melissa Mashburn: Real Women. Real Life. Real Faith.

Five Tips for Upgrading Your Love Life

Ever practical and with keen biblical insight, Sue Badeau shares a post-Valentine’s Day UPGRADE for every married couple.

“Valentine’s Day has passed. Long, dark winter days lie ahead,” Sue says. “Coughs, sniffles and bulky layers of winter clothing don’t exactly scream romance. Is it possible to keep flames of passion burning brightly during this dreary season?”

Isn’t that what all married couples want? I (Dawn) know there won’t be “flames of passion” every day, but there certainly are positive ways to “stoke” the flames of marital love.

Sue continues . . .

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. Our first date, a frigid February night in Vermont, involved walking home from a dance through snow and ice. Holding mittened hands was our first display of affection.

 

We celebrate the anniversary of this first date every February. More importantly, we celebrate our love throughout the year using the tips below to build a foundation for romance to flourish even in the darkest seasons.

1. Connect

We begin every day with Bible reading, conversation and prayer. Even when one is on the road, we enjoy our morning reflection by phone. Sometimes, due to busy-ness of life, or distance across time-zones, we only have ten or fifteen minutes for this daily practice.

We’ve found that when we share our spiritual journeys, we enjoy increased intimacy as well.

“My beloved said to me, ‘Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along” (Song of Solomon 2:10).

2. Touch

Working, managing a home, participating in church and community while raising children are fulfilling and meaningful activities. The by-product is often physical, mental and emotional exhaustion and susceptibility to seasonal illnesses. None contributes to “the mood.”

Frequent small moments of physical touching are essential. A pat-on-the-back, shoulder rub, hug, tickle or snuggle while watching TV don’t require much in the way of “mood” but are critical for maintaining closeness and intimacy in the relationship.

“Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me” (Song of Solomon 2:6).

3. Move

Get off the couch and do something! A brisk walk after dinner. Cook, wash dishes, shovel snow, or dance in the living room.

Doing one or more of these activities—or something more vigorous such as skating, biking or swimming—for just ten minutes a day is not only good for well-being, but being active together improves mood and a sense of connection.

“Draw me after you and let us run together!” (Song of Solomon 1:3)

4. Text

Turn all electronics off while engaging in the activities suggested above. On the other hand, it’s a digital age, so use electronics to add zest to your relationship.

Send encoded “racy” texts, a few brief words that tell your partner, “I miss you . . . can’t wait to see you . . . you excite me.” These missives are like leaving a trail of rose-petals with the promise of more to come.

Imagine texting this verse to your hubby:

“My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, Outstanding among ten thousand” (Song of Solomon 5:10).

5. Laugh

With bills to pay and the future of children to worry about, life is serious. When you begin to feel heaviness and gloom, break out the clown nose, bubbles or anything that makes you laugh. Laugh regularly with your spouse.

Finding moments for child-like delight decreases stress, strengthens relationships and increases opportunities for romance to bloom, even in the dead of winter.  

“Your hair is like a flock of goats” (Song of Solomon 4:1).

If that verse doesn’t make you laugh, watch this video - Vonda Skelton’s rendition. It's priceless! 

Maybe I could add another tip here, but it also fits under # 5. Eat Chocolate Every Day! At least it will make you smile!

There's no Song of Solomon reference for that, but the book does make reference to milk and honey, apples and pomegranates, wine, figs and spices. All are good, but seriously . . . where's the chocolate?

You can upgrade your love life, even in dark, dreary winter months. It only takes a little effort and it is always worth it!

Which of these tips would encourage the “flames” in your relationship today?

Sue Badeau is a nationally known speaker, author, and child welfare and trauma expert. Sue and her husband Hector are lifetime parents of twenty-two children—two by birth and twenty adopted. They wrote the book Are We There Yet: The Ultimate Road Trip Adopting and Raising 22 Kids. Learn more about Sue at suebadeau.com and badeaufamily.com.

Mittens in Graphic: “Romantic Mittens” at trendhunter.com.

I Choose Grace

Those who know Mary James will testify to the sweetness of her spirit and the power in her songs. I asked Mary to share an UPGRADE Uplift to encourage our hearts.

“If you believe change is not possible when looking at a situation,” Mary says, “you are deciding what God’s grace is capable of achieving.”

So many times, I (Dawn) have allowed the enemy to weigh me down with regrets. When I do that, I can’t move forward. But God does not leave us without hope.

Mary continues…..

The message of God’s grace through Christ is the most beautiful gift any of us can ever possess—especially for those who have made significant mistakes along the way.

Though we may have regrets, the weight of God’s forgiveness covers our choices with a love so big that the past loses it power over us. 

I recently heard a message that sadly left listeners without this hope. Its focus was on parenting. In a nutshell, the message said, “If you do not do as Scripture instructs, you will have regrets.” 

Ok, makes sense. We know that Scripture has been given to us for a reason and will spare us much heartache. But all of us have fallen short of its expectations.

So then what?  Oh, yes . . . a heart full of regret.

As a person who the enemy loves to torment with the past, I began to squirm in my seat.  Occasionally, I squeezed my husband’s leg in almost uncontainable frustration. 

The message continued and my spirit grew heavier and heavier, especially for the men in the auditorium who were being held to the highest level of accountability.  Yet I remained hopeful and kept waiting for it . . . and waiting . . . and waiting.  

But it never came. 

There was plenty of truth, but no grace. Not a shred.

As my husband and I sat there—two people who have made a thousand mistakes as parents—we were left to see ourselves as only one thing: failures.     

Years ago, I heard Bunnie Wilson share about the remorse she had in raising her children. Her regret was that she had not taught them to have a servant's heart. But—and there was a but—she pointed us all to a new day, a new beginning, a Christ-centered resolve. 

Bunnie said that now, every time she is with her children, she models servanthood for them. What she did not teach them when they were young, she taught them as adults.

And they were changed by her efforts. 

Every parent in the room who had missed the boat in some aspect of parenting left with that hope.  I have never forgotten her reminder of God’s ability to redeem our less than perfect choices.    

If you believe change is not possible when looking at a situation, you are deciding what God’s grace is capable of achieving.

God has given us history so that we that we can learn from it, but Paul also understood the danger of living in the past.

As he wrote in Philippians 3:12-14,

“Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

We can live in the bondage of regret, or we can let the power of God’s grace move us into a new day. Either way it requires effort.

Regret is like carrying around that proverbial baggage, where grace requires humility: placing any limitations, grudges or shame into the hands of God.

Whether we are at the podium or in the pews, rigidity in our thinking when it comes to God’s ability to change us or restore a relationship/situation, diffuses the work of the cross. 

Oddly, our regrets can be the very things that help us understand our need for Jesus.

We must accept consequences, but God has shown us time and time again that He can take a mess and turn it into a masterpiece.  

Which do you choose? The mess or the masterpiece? Regret or grace? 

 Mary James is a Christian Artist and Speaker who has embraced the charge found in 1 Peter 2:9, that we are, “Saved to Proclaim the excellence of Him who called us out of darkness into His marvelous light.” Through her music, testimony of grace, and transparent, biblically-centered messages, Mary is devoted seeing hearts and lives healed, strengthened and transformed by Christ. Since entering ministry in 2000, she has released five full-length CDs, shared the platform with leading Bible teachers such as Dr. David Jeremiah and Kay Arthur, and is a three-time Inspirational Country Music Female Vocalist of the Year Award winner. Visit Mary's Website.

Graphic in post adapted, Image courtesy of marin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

I Choose You Today

Deb DeArmond's new book, I Choose You Today, is a perfect read for couples—and not just for Valentine's Day. But I asked her to share her heart for this special Valentine's Day UPGRADE for married couples.

"He drove in the pouring rain for eight hours to surprise me for Valentine’s Day," Deb says. "Best upgrade ever."

Don't you love Valentine's Day surprises? I (Dawn) love the way Deb's hubby, Ron, showed his romantic side; but I love even more her emphasis on the choice they made to strengthen and bless their marriage.

Deb continues . . .

When you’ve been married for 40 years, you’ve “celebrated” a lot of February 14^th’s together. Some involved hauling kids to ball practice and music lessons or a doctor’s appointment for an elderly parent. Not quite A+ in the romance department.

We usually exchanged cards, but that was often the extent of the energy devoted to making the day special.

But 12 years ago, my Valentine chose to upgrade my day in a way I never expected—and will never forget.

We lived near San Francisco at the time. I was scheduled for two weeks of work 400 miles south in Los Angeles, which meant I’d straddle the weekend and miss Valentine’s Day. I hated to be away, but we made plans to celebrate on my return. Luckily, my sweet mother-in-law lived nearby, so I planned some shopping and a Valentine’s Day dinner as a treat.

Just as we were headed out to a favorite restaurant, there came a brisk knock. When I opened the door, I was stunned to see the face of my sweet man. He was holding a dozen beautiful roses and beamed a “gotcha!” smile.

I was shocked. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been. After all, Ron’s the romantic one in this duo.

Not long after we married, he began to say, “I Choose You Today.”  Not every day, but several times each week, he spoke those words. I soon began to follow suit with my own declaration, adding a specific focus such as “I choose to love you today” or “I choose to support your goals today.”

Whether we said them aloud or just held them in our hearts, our behavior began to align with those choices.

Sometimes the words are exchanged with a hug and a kiss. Sometimes it’s through gritted teeth.

It’s on the days I least feel like choosing him that it’s most important that I do.

Our feelings cannot be the foundation of our commitment. Feelings are subject to change. The foundation of our life together must be based on God’s Word, which never changes.

Those four little words, I choose you today, have had a dramatic impact in our life, in ways I never imagined all those years ago.

James 3:5 tells us “A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything —or destroy it!” (MSG)

And in the middle of every CHOICE there’s a hidden message:

O-I-C or Oh, I See!

Choose to look ahead and you’ll never look back.

Here’s how:  

O – Open your heart (and your mouth) often to renew your commitment to one another. It reminds you of the day you stood together facing the future with little knowledge of what life would demand. It’s unifying.

I – Ignite the fire in your marriage often by making purposeful choices that support your relationship, choosing to honor, respect, and romance one another.

C – Create a connection that aligns your marriage with the Lord at the center. Focused on God is how we started life together and how we must continue if we want to finish strong. And that is our plan.

Life’s all about the choices you make. What will you choose today?

Deb DeArmond’s newest book, I Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last, is based on the principle that marriage and love is always a choice—one that benefits from a daily renewal of our commitment. It offers inspirational stories, scriptural foundations, and thought-provoking questions so readers can explore their choices and commitments to each other . . . every day of their marriage. Married nearly 40 years, Deb and Ron live near Fort Worth. Their tribe includes three sons, three daughters-in-love, and six perfect grandboys. Find Deb, her books, and her speaking schedule at www.debdearmond.com.

Is Your 'Valentine-Love' Maturing?

Joan Webb, a recovering workaholic and perfectionist, continually communicates a message of freedom and renewal. In this special Valentine UPGRADE, she shares one way to bring freedom to our relationships.

“Ahhh. It’s LOVE week,” Joan says. “All is well. Or is it?

In my 40 years of marriage, I (Dawn) discovered healthy relationships require both SPACE and GRACE!

We learn to practice the one anothers of scripture—like “Be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving toward one another” Ephesians 4:32)—and we give our partner room to grow.

Joan continues …

If you’re like some lovers, you may sense that one or both of you are trying too hard to control how the other one expresses love. Instead of increasing intimacy, it pushes you apart.

So what’s up?

Okay, no one is perfectly loving 24/7. Yet, you can grow in your Valentine-Relationship when you both commit to developing these God-honoring characteristics:

1. Allow for individuality.

Differing talents or temperaments do not threaten true love. Feelings and thoughts can be expressed without fear.

2. Avoid trying to change the other.

We may not like everything about our partner, yet when we consider the total picture we are able to be more accepting.

3. Care with detachment.

Healthy love cares, listens, and responds; yet does not try to fix or remove the uncomfortable feelings of the lover.

4. Affirm equality of self and partner.

A mature relationship treats the partners as equals. There is no sense of competition or one-upmanship.

When you practice mature love, you accept what the other person is able or willing to give.

You allow each other space to grow and develop. 

Perhaps you could pray this prayer: 

“Lord, teach me to love authentically…with joy and fun. I don’t wish to make inappropriate demands—and force my own way. Help me to be honest about what I want. And also listen to understand my mate’s needs and desires. You had a good idea when You created romantic love. Thank you.”

Although no one is perfect, which one of the four points could use some work in your own relationship?

Joan C. Webb is a speaker and author who has written thirteen books including The Intentional Woman (co-authored with Carol Travilla), The Relief of Imperfection: For Women Who Try Too Hard to Make It Just Right and a four book devotional series for children. As a Life Coach who specializes in working with writers and communicators, Joan helps set people free to become who they were designed to be and from what holds them back. For more information about becoming an intentional woman, visit Joan's website. 

Graphic Adapted: Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net