His Plimsoll Line

Pam Farrel, a relationship specialist with her husband Bill, often uses examples to help couples understand how to better love each other. In this early Valentine’s Day Marriage UPGRADE, she begins with a short history lesson.

“In the late 1800s,” Pam said, “Samuel Plimsoll discovered that nearly 1,000 sailors a year were being drowned on ships around British shores because ships were being overloaded.”

What’s that got to do with love? Stay tuned. I (Dawn) think Pam’s example is excellent!

Pam continues . . .

Plimsoll headed up a campaign to require that vessels bear a load line indicating when they were overloaded. The Plimsoll line is a mark located on a ship’s hull that indicates the maximum depth to which the vessel may be safely immersed when loaded with cargo.  

Your husband has a “Plimsoll line.” Load him up too much and his life or health or your relationship will sink.

You are the dock guard checking his “waterline” to keep him free from overwork, over commitment and over-the-top stressors.

One of my favorite verses of the Bible is a tiny phrase Boaz says to Ruth—a woman he is interested in romantically. Boaz said, “. . . all my people in the city know that you are a woman of excellence.”

This word “excellence” can be translated virtue, valor and valiant, and it’s the same word used of David’s mighty soldiers.

You are a warrior wife! God has called you to be a defender of your husband, your marriage and your family. 

There are three ways you can be a Warrior Wife:

1. Upgrade Your Attitude

How well do you know your husband’s stress? Is he carrying stress about his work (or lack of it), the kids, your finances, his health, your health, the church, the headlines and plight of evil in our society, those under his leadership, the community, the extended family, or a country or mission God has laid on his heart?

Colossians 3:12 encourages us to care:  “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”

2. Upgrade Your Understanding

To build empathy, often we need a better understanding of how our husband might process the stress of life.

In Men are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, we layer on God’s foundational truth of Genesis 1:27—God made us male and female—and share that biology explains that men and women process stress differently.

We women talk our way through stress. When I am stressed my sister knows it, my mom knows it, my best friend knows it—the clerk at the grocery store will know it!

Men on the other hand, when they are stressed, the go to their favorite easy box to rest and recharge. But God helped us girls out so we can recognize these recharger boxes, most are actually shaped like boxes (like on a waffle): the TV, the garage, the football field, baseball diamond, basketball court, tennis court, pool table, soccer goal, the computer, the refrigerator and the bed!

In fact the bed box, that intimacy box is a favorite box for men to go to when they are all stressed out. It is kind of like the free square in the middle of a BINGO card—they can get there from every square on their waffle! 

3. Upgrade Your Creativity

Since Bill and I started teaching this, we developed a new code word for expressing our desire for intimacy. One of us might ask, “Want to play some Bingo?” (Just seeing a BINGO card in his brief case or on his desk lowers Bill’s stress!)

So, where does your man like to go when he is stressed:  Fishing, hunting, for a run, TV or a movie, sports, a hobby, the garage, surfing, boating? Some choices are healthier for managing stress than others. If you offer to schedule some R and R with some physical activity he enjoys, it might keep him away from the burger and fries—or another unhealthy habit that could put him in an early grave.

Ask him about his favorite pursuits, then schedule a visit to his “favorite boxes.”

Resources can help us focus. In Red-Hot Romance Tips for Wives, there are 26 traits to help you become a more loving wife, including this “virtuous” warrior for my man attitude.

Or join the Red Hot Wives Challenge. I will send you a daily inspiration for 26 days to arm you with more romantic ideas and ways to help when your man’s load is approaching the dangerous Plimsoll level. (See resource links at the end of this post.)

God is aware the life of a leader is stressful; and if we pray, God will give each of us the discernment we need to give the encouragement our man needs. 

Take a few minutes to think about the stresses your husband may be facing today. Is there anything you can do to lower his Plimsoll level?

Couple-Building Resources:

• Book - Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti
• Book - Red-Hot Romance Tips for Wives
• Challenge - Red Hot Wives Challenge.

Pam Farrel and her husband Bill are relationship experts, international speakers and authors of more than 40 books including Red Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle; The Secret Language of Successful Couples; and Red Hot Romantic Tips for Women.” Visit their website, Love-Wise, for more information and resources, or Pam's blog.   

What's Love Got to Do with It?

Gail Purath’s One-minute Love Notes posts are short doses of mega-truth! In this Love UPGRADE, she nails the differences between love and lust.

“In 1984, Tina Turner's popular recording, ‘What’s love got to do with it?’ expressed confusion about love and physical attraction,” Gail said. “Most Americans are similarly confused.”

I (Dawn) have watched our society (and others around the world) reap the consequences of pursuing lust. It’s not a pretty picture. Cultures decay, lives are damaged and marriages are destroyed—all for fleeting moments of lust.

Gail continues . . .

Premarital sex has become normal behavior in our culture and many divorces involve adulterous affairs. 

Our culture's sexual confusion sometimes becomes very public—like the Tiger Woods scandal several years ago.

But physical relationships minus love are nothing new. Sadly, King David and Woods have similar stories: 

• Both men were respected and admired.  
• Both “had it all”—fame, fortune and family.  
• Both risked it all for sexual pleasure.
• Both paid a hefty price.

What did love have to do with it?

Nothing. Woods and David were controlled by lust. (1) 

The prophet Nathan gave an arresting illustration of love versus lust when he confronted King David in 2 Samuel 12.

Samuel compared Bathsheba’s husband Uriah to a poor man with one cherished lamb, and he compared David to a rich man who killed the poor man’s lamb for a single meal.

Uriah loved Bathsheba; David used her to feed his lustful appetite.

 Consider some characteristics of genuine love:

1. Genuine love involves friendship and respect.

David slept with Bathsheba when he barely knew her. He had no respect for her or he’d have been concerned with the consequences their affair had on her life, relationships and soul.

2. Genuine love involves honesty.

David and Bathsheba’s relationship—like all extramarital affairs—was built on deception. They dishonored God, their marriage vows and their bodies (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).

3. Genuine love involves commitment. If Bathsheba had not gotten pregnant, or if they’d successfully tricked Uriah, their relationship would probably have ended that night.

Modern secular studies confirm that commitment is essential for successful relationships:

“Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up…the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make happy marriages more difficult. (2)

Perhaps David and Bathsheba eventually grew to love each other, but nothing in Scripture reveals a close, ongoing relationship between them. When David grew old, he didn’t have a close relationship with any of his wives, but chose to keep warm at night by sleeping with a young virgin (1 Kings 1:15-17). (3)

I wonder what Bathsheba thought growing old in a palace full of David’s other wives amid the lust and murder that became part of David’s family legacy. Did she sometimes ponder the way Uriah had cherished her as his only wife? Did she ever wonder what love had to do with it?

A single night of lust changed her life forever.

Do you understand the difference between lust and love? Is there even a hint of lust in your relationships? If you have any doubt about the characteristics of love, read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

Gail Purath has been married to her best friend for 44 years, living the life of a nomad here on earth (40 homes in 62 years), looking forward to her heavenly home. Mother of two, grammy of seven, Gail writes about her joys, struggles, failures and victories in her short-but-powerful 1-Minute Bible Love Notes and shares a short Bible study each week on Bite Size Bible Study.

Footnotes:

(1) Fortunately, lust can’t destroy our most important relationship—if we repent of it. David’s prayer in Psalm 51 is a testament to this. He suffered severely for his sin but remained close to the Lord through genuine repentance. 

(2) “Top Ten Marriage Myths,” by David Popenoe, [health.discovery.com, Love and Relationships Center]. Also here.

(3) There are no good examples of polygamy in Scripture. Although God allowed it, it was not part of His original design for a healthy marriage. Bible narratives confirm this.

Tearing and Healing

Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministries, encourages us with a Spiritual UPGRADE, written from her unique perspective of dealing with a life of chronic illness and pain. 

Lisa asks, “How does one make sense of the scriptures where it says God will inflict trouble or suffering on us?”

I (Dawn) think that’s an age-old question. Remember the Patriarch Job’s friends, wondering why God allowed Job to suffer so?

Lisa continues . . .

Hosea told God’s people, “Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds” (Hosea 6:1).

This is a difficult verse to swallow when we are feeling beaten down. He tore us to pieces? He has injured us?

On purpose?!

Is this the loving God we worship?

Yes. It is.

For a variety of reasons outside of my illness, this has been the most difficult season in my life. Someone recently gave me a kind compliment on my endurance and faith and I replied,

“It is called ‘face-plant faith’ when you are on your knees–spiritually–every moment.”

So, of all the scriptures, why does this one bring me comfort? Because it reminds me God is still in control.

We don’t worship a God who specializes in leftovers, making something out of Satan’s mess. He can take our sins—our messed up life—and make miracles.

But do we really believe God is at the mercy of waiting for the evil one to play his games so He has something to build on?

No!

 God knew before we were born that our life would have seasons of joy and seasons of tears and He knew every cause of them.

God is much more interested in cleaning us out than cleaning us up.

He debrides us, layer by layer by layer.  He removes everything that impedes our spiritual healing.  

And it hurts. It hurts more than anything we will ever go through.

(NOTE: Lisa explains the painful  "debriding" concept so beautifully in this video.)

But we gradually depend on less of our own strength and more of His. The layers of sin get skimmed off in the fire and yet we still do not get burned.

He may withdraw His protection at times, but never His presence.

It is hard to read scriptures about God not just allowing pain, but sometimes inflicting it. But don’t forget, He is our Father. No pain is without a purpose.

God can only truly heal our heart by getting rid of the sin from the inside out.

Are you going through a tough time of “tearing” right now? Can you see how God might be “debriding” your life to heal you for your good and His glory?

Lisa Copen began Rest Ministries to encourage those who are chronically ill through daily devotionals, small groups called HopeKeepers, and other support. She is the author of a variety of books including Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend. She has lived with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia for twenty years and resides in San Diego with her husband and son.

(This post is adapted from Lisa’s devotional at RestMinistries.com, 11-4-13, “Is Our Suffering God Tearing Us to Pieces to Build Us Back Up?”  

Be On Purpose!

Last year, Kathy Carlton Willis shared how to set true D.R.E.A.M. goals. She continues in that theme with this encouraging New Year UPGRADE.

“Most of us set goals for 2015 at the start of the year,” Kathy says. “How many of you are already struggling to stick with the plan? Or was there even a true plan to begin with? It’s possible you had more of a wish list of destinations rather than a roadmap for how to get there!”

Do you have a roadmap for 2015? I (Dawn) think we all need one. Otherwise, how will we know when we’ve arrived at our destination?

Kathy continues . . .

January is National “Be On Purpose” Month. What a terrific time for us to evaluate where we were, where we are, and where God wants us to be, operating in the purpose He has for planting us on earth.

We’ve all heard how important it is to place ourselves in the passenger’s seat and allow God to be in the driver’s seat. (Remember calling out “shotgun” as kids, when we ran to the car at the beginning of a road trip? It was the best seat in the vehicle!)

The next best thing so we can get to our destination is to have that roadmap I mentioned earlier.

Live life on purpose, not random accidents.

Today, someone from out of town called asking for directions to our home. She was quite directionally challenged. I told her to go west and she asked if that was left or right. We realized she worked better with landmarks (such as Dairy Queen) rather than measuring blocks, or watching for street names.

Jean’s problem was, she didn’t have a step-by-step GPS to direct her. She had a map that took her to a dot on the map for our town. She had our street address. But she had nothing to connect the dots from the city limits sign to our home.

Life coaches teach the principle of intentionality.

Setting specific intentions allows life travelers to measure progress.

This is the opposite of the guy on the old donut commercial who arose from bed, still half asleep, and said, “Time to make the donuts.” He went from one task to another, with no extra effort or thought, zero passion, and nothing new to show for his work than the day before.

Donuts.

Intentionality allows you to fulfill God’s passions in your life. It puts steps to your goals.

 God’s blessings don’t rely on our work. But He is pleased when we acknowledge His purpose in our lives.

Think of each intentional choice as a step of obedience. Another mile marker on our journeys.

We don’t get to our destination by accident. It’s living life on purpose.

What Living Life on Purpose Isn’t:

• You can’t wish it here.
• You can’t fake it ‘til you make it.
• You can’t procrastinate it into existence.
• You can’t hope someone else takes care of your business for you.
• You can’t skip some of the steps to try to speed up the process.

Your upgraded life requires intention. It takes plans. It works best when you operate within your strengths and giftings. It takes strategy. It requires setting up some steps between departure and destination to act as landmarks so you know you’re going in the right direction.

“Set up road signs; put up guideposts. Mark well the path by which you came” (Jeremiah 31:21 NLT).

Questions to Ask Yourself:

• What does God want me to accomplish in 2015? What is God’s big picture for my five-year plan, my ten-year plan, my life-plan?
• How does God lead me to use my natural and spiritual gifts, strengths and personality type to best fulfill these end results?
• What are the biggest challenges and obstacles in getting to the destination? What detours can I pre-plan to avoid the roadblocks?

Define Your Landmarks:

1. Think of the steps to get from departure spot to destination. Seek God’s wisdom, allowing Him to be a Vision-Caster in your life.

“If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who ‘worry their prayers’ are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open” James 1:5 (MSG).

2. Write down your plan.

“Then the Lord answered me and said: ‘Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it.’” (Habakkuk 2:2 NKJV).

3. Get to work! A dream can’t come true without putting effort into it—not just talk.

“For a dream comes with much business and painful effort, and a fool’s voice with many words” (Ecclesiastes 5:3 AMP).

 Follow the directions, step by step.

What will you do today to live life on purpose, rather than simply going through the motions of making the donuts?

Kathy Carlton Willis writes and speaks with a balance of funny and faith—whimsy and wisdom. She shines the light on issues that hold women back and inspires their own lightbulb moments. Almost a thousand of Kathy’s articles have been published and she has several books releasing over the next three years, including Grin with Grace (release date 3/20/15) with AMG Publishers, CBD and Amazon. She and her husband/pastor, Russ, live in Texas. Learn more at: www.kathycarltonwillis.com/.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Naypong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

The Enemy in Your House

All too often wives treat their husbands like the enemy, but they've got it all wrong! In this Marriage UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson considers the real enemy in so many homes.

"Our real enemy is not our spouse, as much as it might feel that way," Leslie Vernick wrote in How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong.* "Our enemy is Satan and the evil he stands for."

Whether it feels like all hell is breaking loose or we're simply "ticked off" at our spouse's rude or insensitive behavior, it helps to remember there's more at stake then just "us two."

Satan delights in ruining relationships, especially when that relationship is supposed to picture the beauty of Christ and His Church (Ephesians 5:22-32).

Satan is an evil destroyer; he prowls around, trying to devour us as we follow Jesus (1 Peter 5:8). The devil hates what God loves and loves what God hates.

Satan hates a loving, God-honoring marriage.

And he's so tricky, so subtle. Here are some of His tactics:

1. The Father of Lies blinds us to the truth (John 8:44).

Every marriage partner has blind spots, and Satan wants to keep us in the dark about our weaknesses, pet sins, and how we can hurt our spouse. He loves it when we believe lies about our marriage.

2. He suggests evil thoughts and motives. (Examples of how he works: John 13:2; Acts 5:3)

This is why it is so crucial to stay in the scriptures, to be transformed by the renewing of our mind (Romans 12:2) so we recognize evil.

3. He promotes disunity, bitterness and an unforgiving spirit (James 3:14-15; Ephesians 4:26-27).

He wants us to focus on our partner's short-comings and forget our own. He loves it when we hold grudges and speak angry, bitter words, forgetting how much we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32).

4. He tempts us to be sexually immoral (1 Corinthians 7:1-5).

Whether through impure thoughts, or immoral temptations like pornography and adultery, Satan looks for a "foothold" or opportunity (Ephesians 4:27) in every marriage.

The Devil's agenda is simple: Total Destruction! And he is cunning; he doesn't want us to understand he's in the middle of the messes in our relationships.

As Leslie Vernick wrote,

"His tactics always involve sin, and so we often end up fighting each other instead of our real enemy.

"When we react sinfully to our spouse's wrongs, Satan wins. He accomplishes his goal—to destroy our homes and our lives, not to mention our witness for Christ."

And we can't afford to be passive about this, because Satan's attacks are relentless.

So, how can you and I deal with the real enemy in our homes? We can:

• Seek the Lord in His Word and in prayer. God's divine power can "demolish strongholds" (2 Corinthians 10:4) in our marriages.
• Submit our life and marriage to God (James 4:7a).
• Resist the enemy (James 4:7b).
• Wise up! Become more alert to Satan's tricks (2 Corinthians 2:11) in our life and marriage.
• Arm ourselves against the devil's wicked strategies (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Let me get personal.

If you're married, it's not all about you. It's not even about the two of you!

It's about the glory of God. It's about preserving the sanctity of marriage. It's about you and your partner's spiritual health. It's about a watching world. And if you have children, it's about leaving them a strong legacy.

On this last point, one of my sons once told me he is motivated to keep working on his marriage because of the examples he's seen in our and his grandparents' marriages, and other godly marriages in our extended family. Fighting the battle for marriage is so crucial for those coming after us.

What is your biggest struggle with your spouse? Do you understand who the real enemy is in your house?

 Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Ministries, is the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is the President of the San Diego chapter of Network of Evangelical Women in MInistry (NEWIM San Diego). Dawn is the co-author of LOL with God and contributed "The Blessing Basket" in It's a God Thing. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

* NOTE: I recommend Leslie's book to every married woman: How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (Waterbook Press, 2001). Quotes: pp. 66-68.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.